Hey everyone.
I'm the tough guy who doesn't cry, at all and I've been hurt really really bad. I caught my wife having sex via texting for over 30 days every day with a social friend of ours. She claims they never met and never had actual sex. They also shared pictures with each other and you know the pain I'm going through, it hurts really bad. I married my wife 6 years ago and knew her for 6 years prior to that. One of the biggest reasons I married her was her family values and core beliefs of a family. Now after 6 years she was caught. She did at least come clean after telling me several lies through 3 days of denial. How do I know that more of this wont happen and something else happened that I don't know about. She is actually in counseling as i type this, but I'm really hurt. WE have a beautiful home on the water, two beautiful girls and I'm in shock! I knew things weren't right cause she bought the new iphone and was texting all day and all night and i knew something was up. Our sex life has always been good and like so many other couples, marrige is hard on everyone, but I just don't know what to do. I'm an awesome father, a successful business owner and I am so weak right now that I don't know what to do. any help would be great!!!
thanks for reading.

donf

First off this didn't happen in a vacuum. The person she was exchanging text messages with is no social friend. In fact I would seriously consider using his name and friend in the same sentence. Would you consider yourself a friend of a person whose wife you are chit chatting about all manner of sex escapades with? That's not the actions of someone I would consider to my friend.

My questions to you are, even tougher, because they will force you to look down the road with her.

Setting your anger and hurt aside (I understand how difficult that will be, believe me) Have you asked your wife why she started this type of behavior? Did she think it was funny or cute and then let her fantasy run rampant? What in your behavior towards her let her think it was harmless?

Given that she knew the behavior was wrong from the start (as proven by hiding her actions refusing to open up after she was caught) how is she justifying what she did.

Something in your relationship has changed and the result of this change is manifesting itself in her actions. Or there is an internal or external struggle going on peculiar to herself. They say us guys go through a mid-life crisis. Why would believe that women don't get bitten by the same type of bug.

We (guys ) are known to fantasize about other women, food, NY Giants football and miscellaneous stuff. Women have stuff that they daydream about.
What I'm trying to get at is why did she go to the next level. Did she believe its harmless fun or is she thinking that texting sex message or phone call is the better between actually having an affair.

This is really going to require both of you to put emotions off to the side and discuss what is missing or lost from you relationship. As to her continuing sending sex messages via text, make sure she has your mailbox number and ask her to send them to you (who will actually appreciate them) than strangers.

gotcaught

Thanks for the response. It gets deeper again.
She suggestec counseling--I just got back and she told me there was more than texting. They had oral sex 3 different times and also tells me she was having sex texting with another guy before this loser xfriend.
I'm really hurt and I am going to go out with a friend tonight to talk, but I divorce is the only way that I know how a man needs to react in this situation. I can't imagine living with her and remembering these occurences. I love my kids, but I always said I'd never stay together for my kids because I saw my parents fight all the time.
Thanks you have great insight and right now I need all the help I can get.

donf

Whoa, step back and give yourself some breathing room! Do not have a knee-jerk reaction and run head long into a divorce.

Some think of oral sex a meaningless. I am not one of them, nor am I suggesting that you should be. Looking straight into this mess, the worst may have already happened, you just don't know it yet.

Does it matter? It can't be denied nor can you ever make it go away. From now through the rest of your life you will carry the trauma of these events as they are unfolding. Sure you can forgive her infidelity, but you will never forget it! I would suggest that spend some time with a Pries, Pastor or Rabbi before running to a friend with personal information like this. It will not lessen your load and it will impose a load on your friend that he may or may not want to carry.

This needs to be centered in your home where it happened, for the time being. As to counseling, I would not suggest you jump into any session the involves discussing her extra curricular actives. Don't make it any worse on yourself then it already is!

Marriedguy

I understand that you are hurt and if you read my posts I'm all of leaving when a person cheats. But I think you should sleep on this. The knee jerk reactions is to start talking divorce when I dont think that is necessary in all cases. She decided to come clean and tell you all the details. Which is in my opinion the worse thing she could of done. She is reaching out and saying that she wants to be completely honest with you from this point on. It may or may not be to late. The choice is yours.

gotcaught

thanks, I will consider all your views.
The counselor has suggested she leave and go home with the kids for 3 days and that's what she's going to do. We'll see, but I really don't think I can live with myself knowing what she did.

troubled_hubby

I'm going through a very similar situation with my wife. She got into an emotional relationship with a coworker that ended in them sleeping together. I had been having "gut feelings" that something was going on and through a bunch of stuff, she confessed that she had slept with him. This has completely changed my world and everything that I thought I knew was gone. I immediately wanted to leave and have nothing more to do with her. When I would think about it all I could do was dwell on what she had done and how I could I possibly sleep in the same bed with her. I'm still going through these emotions that keep me up at night. The important thing here is that she is willing to work on this and WANTS to work on this. Something was definetly missing in the equation and she went looking for it. I know that I tell myself that I would not do this to her, but as many times as I've tried to explain this to myself, it still hurts know that she did this to me. Try and sit down with her and really get a feeling for where she is in the relationship and that she understands where you are in the relationship. It definetly takes two to make this work and she has to be there completely, no contact with the "friend". The part that I've had the most difficulty with is her understanding that am still going through the rollercoaster of emotions involved with finding out that my wife cheated and that somedays are going to be better than others, she had 2 months to deal with that fact, I've had 2 weeks. Good luck with whatever your plans are, I hope that there is a way you can uncover the hidden issues and find a way to make things work again.

donf

Wait a minute, pick up a big stick and metaphorically, whack that counsellor over the head.

It's fine if she goes home for a few days, but what have you or your children done to warrant them being separated from you.

Take some time off from work and keep the kids with you! Also, I'm not sure what the gain is by her leaving your home. If it's because she needs time to think, if she stays at home, she can think all day if she wants.

Going home, frees her to text away without concern of being caught. I'd suggest that she stay at home and see what she would be losing by continuing her actions. Home is where the solutions will come from because this is a problem that is happening within the walls of your shared home.

Once you two agree on a plan of action, then you need to slowly bring the children into it. They have to understand that are not the cause or affect in any part of the adult problem. They do not need to know the details of the issues, because it is not their battle.

George_1950

Fellows, this is really tough to read, much less have to experience. My conclusion: she does not love you. The only way you stay in the relationship is if your are either: 1) very forgiving, or 2) taking some responsibility for what she did. Let's say you own your business and don't really show your only employee a lot of respect and treat her poorly. After an audit, your accountant proves to you that your employee is stealing from the cash register. Does it matter whether it is $50 or $5,000? Would you trust her?

gotcaught

wife is with family and counselor suggested it because of my concern on how I could handle the truth. I grew up with two very violent parents and I have never and will never be a parent that physically abuses my wife and I was concerned that this may have crossed the line and I don't know what I would do to her. It is best. I through her fancy iphone in the water by the boat dock, so no more texting for her. Also I told the wife of the cheating husband that was messing around with my wife. Had to do it. I had to find a way make him hurt without violence. 3 friends came over last night we drank beer and I cried until 6:00 am this morning---all my friends say let's see if there is a way to work it out, but I don't know how I will ever overcome the thoughts of my wife with this other man.