BACKGROND(I'm engadged to a cool guy for 3 yrs in Oct. Love him lots, ect ect no questions there. BUT of late he's been able to find job's within the feild he likes. Job's that take up all his time and force him to leave home for weeks with 2 days to see each other in between, when he comes home he either wants to watch a movie with me i dont want to watch or wants to do his own thing. I get he works a lot and needs to chill. I just am getting tired of being alone all day, then again at night. Yea i got no job and where we live at moment no way to get a job. So i take care of the house. I'm alone all day, i dont have friends nearby and no one my age nearby. All the friends i thought i had were fakes.)

What i am saying is what is the point is getting married if you never see each other? If you cant ever hangout or share time, cuz one or the other person is too tired, needs their own time ect ect. What does that do to a marrige? And why does he say he likes having me round, that hanging out isnt exciting anymore cuz we been together for 3 yrs. He's "used to me"..that dont make me feel too good. I guess im just worried that for the rest of my life im gunna be lonely when i really dont want to be. That i wolnt have a family (kids cuz he hates them). How do ppl juggle work and family...i mean honeslty. *sigh*

FYI- my fiance loves me and i love him, so there isnt the option of breaking up or taking time off. We dont need that. Ty for any help.

nauticalstar420

My husband and I have been married for going on 4 years. He is in the Navy and is gone ALL the time. When he was on a ship, he would be gone anywhere from 2 days to 6 months. It was hard, I will admit, especially since I was pregnant with our first boy while he was on deployment.

Well, he got injured and got removed from the ship, and is now in a squadron. He is STILL gone a lot. He works a normal 8 hour day, but his schedule varies all the time. For example, this week he worked 6:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m., next week he works 10:30 p.m. - 6:30 a.m., and the week after that he works 2:30 p.m. - 10:30 p.m. I honestly never know when he is going to be home.

What I have found from being married to someone with such a hectic schedule is that I always look forward to seeing him the next time I see him. When he does come home its so exciting, almost like I havent seen him forever. We go out to dinner, to the beach, to concerts or when we dont have the cash to pay for something to do, we just go for walks. We do anything to spend time together when he has the time to spend it.

I know for some people never seeing eachother can ruin their marriage, but as for me, it makes mine stronger. I feel that if you are around someone 24/7, 365 days a year, you get bored and run out of things to say and do. If you go a little while without seeing eachother, there is always something new with both of you that you can tell eachother, and there will always be something to do that you havent done in a while.

And the fact that he said he's "used to you", dont take too much offense to that. It happens to everyone. He could have said it a little more carefully, but it does happen. It just means you are comfortable with eachother in your relationship.

LearningAsIGo

Just because you love each other, doesn't mean you're in a good relationship. You have to decide if being apart is managable and if you're up to it. Every married person needs alone time and some of their own interests, but those should never come before their spouse's needs. If I need alone time, I let DH know and he does the same which works for us. However, I never take alone time if he has an event he'd like me to attend, etc. If I only ever want alone time, then why am I married? There's a fine line... I've known people who got married to be married. Never having anything in common, always alone but in the same house at the same time, etc. They were together for a long time, so tied the knot. Whoopie de do! I'm with you.. why bother?

Personally, we just made it official, but we've been together for 8 years and living together after only 2 weeks of dating. We actually met at work so we spent 24 hours a day together for 3 years and in 8 years we've only spent 4 nights apart (for work travel). We're the opposite of Nautical's example, but it works for us. Marriage isn't easy all the time, but it should still be worth fighting for and only an individual can make that decision. Individual situations, ya know? You have to be in the right situation that makes you both happy.

My concern for you is what you said about family. If he doesn't want a family, is that something you could live with? It sounds like you might regret not having one. THAT is a big factor in going thru with a marriage. I have a friend now who's become an emotional wreck. From the beginning of their relationship, her DH said No kids EVER. She agreed and they got married. Now, 3 years later she's desperate for kids and he won't change his mind. In fact, he said he'd leave her if she got pregnant. She's admitting to friends (not him yet) that she lied at the time and thought marriage would change his mind.

Be really sure before setting a date. If you have no doubts and no reservations, go for it. Otherwise, there is nothing wrong with being engaged for a while.

firmbeliever

I agree with nauticalstar that I would think I would rather not be with my hubby 24/7(dont get me wrong we love each other and love being together).
Both of us need time doing our own thing.
He is always busy with work but we make it a point to find time together even if not alone(like we take our daughter for a swim,or walk or even shopping ).

There was a time before my daughter was born that I found too much time on my hands and got easily bored (and there is only so much you can do at home or watch on tv).
I found some good books to read and took up my old hobby of painting and handmade card making.I even started to learn sewing(on my own), and even made some of my own lingerie (not sophisticated as the readymade ones,but hubby loved them).
Maybe Ray you could find a hobby to your liking and who knows it might just turn into a money making hobby.

I know and understand that each relationship works differently, maybe you two should discuss what both of you like doing and do those things when you have time.As you love each other you will find a way to compromise. Maybe you sould start writing letter to him, so that when he gets back you have something to read together.

Marriage must not be about one person but two(or three, if you have a kid).It should not be just about YOU or just about HIM,
it must be about both working towards a future where both of you can find yourselves as seperate individuals,but at the same time have similar goals, that will build a relationship to provide a healthy environment ( which if you may plan to have children will give them the best environment).

Hope you find what you are looking for in your relationship .

Megg

In regard to the family issue my hubby is 19 and i think still young in that idea, but im 21 and a girl..lol so i guess thats why the differ im opinion. It does bug me he's "used" to me. It's like he doesnt care about being with me, cuz as long as im round hes happy. But im just not. Im not the type to want alone time, i already have it lol. I love him to death and i dont want to end this relationship, in my heart i kno were ment to be. But this workinjg all the time, never having time for a life is old. Maybe im just imiture, but i cant help it.

nauticalstar420

Have you tried talking to him about the whole situation? Isnt there a well paying job he can get that he is interested in and he can still be at home? If not, are you able to move for him to be able to get a job like this?

Megg

And he's calling me selfish...that makes me sad cause i really dont understand how i am selfish

Megg

Not really, we tallked last night cuz i broke down. He thinks im selfish. As for the job, its with the government u do what they say. It's the first and only big break we had or see. Plus the money is well.

nauticalstar420

I, myself, dont believe you are selfish for wanting to spend more time with him. You're human, and you love him, so wanting to see him more is a natural feeling. And I know how it is with the government jobs, trust me. I dont personally like them, but they do provide very well.

What exactly does he do that requires so much travel? Is he in the military?

J_9

In all honesty him being "used" to you should be a compliment. He is comfortable with you, he enjoys just sitting and watching a movie with you. yadda yadda yadda

If he was not used to you after 3 years that should be cause for concern.

I think the problem is more yourself than him. You spend way too much time alone and it is cutting away at your self confidence.

Yeah, he's gone for long periods of time, but he does this so that the two of you can have a life together. A better life than the one you had when you joined this site. So, in a sense I can see why he may be saying you are being selfish.

I have been with my husband for 16 years now. I have spent almost a year with him 24/7, while it was nice, it got a little intense at times. He is now gone all day and early into the evening.

I really think you need to look deep inside yourself and find out why you are not happy. This has more to do with you than it does him. Really it does.