My wife and I have two years and a couple months of marriage. She is from the US and since we moved here she have change A LOT with me.
We have got into agreements and she have slowly changed them ALL to her convenience and I have given up, only to make her happy I have acepted those changes. She basically does whatever she feels like without caring about my feelings or my opinions. Of course, everything ends up in a fight and further calm and happiness after I, even beeing the hurted one, tell her that I dont want to fight and I love her.
She NEVER apologizes for anything and have stablished VERY CLEAR that she DOES NOT want anything to do with me sentimentally, emotionally or phisically (Too many examples to write them all) she have even puted our marriage with a lie, just to cover up one of her messes. We are going to Marriage counseling but she gets better for a few days (only with the yelling and some actions, still not affective or intimate in any way) but at this point she is starting to act and do the same things she that were making me feel NOT important to her, NOT respected and NOT loved at all.
I have never been unfaithfull even not receiveing her attentions in any way. She says the way she shows me love is making my food and keeping my clothes clean but she rathers to go out with her friends by herself without me than going to a date night with me. She have done that several times already. I think she hasnt grown up but she is 29 years old for Christ sakes!
I give A LOT of love and I like to receive it too, I dont feel loved and the next step for me should be divorcing her since we have been separated already 2 times. The difficult part of this for me is the love I feel for her. I love her madly, I know that even if I dont feel it right now. After the last emotional punch I received I feel just empty and thats why I am asking here. She have lied to me so many times before even looking straight into my eyes that I dont belive her anymore. I suspect she is having an affair (men or women) based on her behavior, lack of attention (emotionally, sentimentally or phisycally) and other things like not picking up her phone sometimes when I call her or just not calling me using stupid excuses only for me to find out that excuse did not apply for someone else who have called her at the same time frame.
I think I gave up with her. I will suffer for a while but I think eventually I will feel better. I love my kid and thats another issue in this situation.
All answers are welcome but I would like to have answers from women to find out a possibility of why she acts like this and answers from guys that have been on similar situation and how they have solved their problem.
Thank you all.
It sounds to me like she doesn't need you any more. When you weren't in the US she needed you and could focus on you. Now she's back home and she doesn't care.
Stop with the pleading and talking. Stop with the negotiating. Stop with the pandering to all her whims.
You need to do what you want to do. Go out at 2.30 instead of 4.30 and don't invite her. Start making some time to do the things you want.
In the end you may love her, but I suspect you don't respect her. How can you? She sounds selfish and immature.
Jake 2008: I was writing when you posted your comment. Let me ask you something? are you a Psicologist or something related cause you JUST NAILED IT!!
That is EXACTLY what happens, she does NOT get it.
She is selfish, immature and in top of that something else that have caused A LOT of problems in our marriage... She is also a Daddy's girl (Ultra Spoiled).
She does not intelectualize ANYTHING, actually she does not like to think, she have told me several times "You think too much", like is something wrong to do. Definitely she cannot see two inches ahead of her nose cause she does not think what's going to happen. She always does whatever is easier for her even knowing that IS NOT RIGHT. I have explained to her several times that the easiest way is not always the best. The right way is usually a bit difficult but always pays off.
Its amazing how accurate you are. What can I do about this ?? I have told the therapist on the last session that I have given up and I did not wanted to go back. Had a couple minutes alone with her and explained how I feel and she have told me to do nothing. She told me that I needed to relax and think about it, she really understand how I feel. She have been suffering this for quite a while now. I dont know if I will go next monday anyway. Still thinking. Please tell me more, what should I do? where is my happy ending? please be honest and tell me if there is any way she can revive the love she felt for me before. If there is no way to do that let me know also and I will start preparing.
Thank you again and I'm really looking forward to hear from you again.
Hi Gem,
I was writting when you posted.
I do respect her, you dont know how much. Of course I get mad and yell sometimes, of course I hang up the phone or say something mean if our discussion gets big but... When I do stuff like that, after I calm down, I call her and apologize for whichever of the above mentioned reasons. I have had the chance to be cheat on her with BEAUTIFUL women with no way for her to find out and I have not done it cause I respect her and of course, I respect myself too.
Hi Gem,
I was writting when you posted.
I do respect her, you dont know how much. Of course I get mad and yell sometimes, of course I hang up the phone or say something mean if our discussion gets big but... When I do stuff like that, after I calm down, I call her and apologize for whichever of the above mentioned reasons. I have had the chance to be cheat on her with BEAUTIFUL women with no way for her to find out and I have not done it cause I respect her and of course, I respect myself too.
That's what I mean - you're trying too hard - apologizing for the smallest misdemeanor. She's got you tied around her little finger - she's a princess and you're the pauper. I don't know how you can respect someone that behaves like she does - I think you want her so desperately you will easily lose your own self respect and put your own needs on the back burner.
I'm really sorry, but I doubt there is a happy ending here. She's selfish and incapable of empathy or compassion. Not to mention that she's totally focused on herself. Everything will always be someone else's fault.
Brace yourself for being blamed for the marriage break up.
You are right, there is always someone elses fault. Usually me. The most ridiculous blame was a couple weeks ago. I got blamed cause "Imade her so mad that she got the hic ups" I GOT BLAMED FOR HIC UPS ! Imagine all the other things I get blamed for. Everything is my fault usually and if I'm safe is someone elses.
You are right, there is always someone elses fault. Usually me. The most ridiculous blame was a couple weeks ago. I got blamed cause "Imade her so mad that she got the hic ups" I GOT BLAMED FOR HIC UPS ! Imagine all the other things I get blamed for. Everything is my fault usually and if I'm safe is someone elses.
I keep doing this, but go to this website and see if any of it sounds familiar.
The behaviors described are sometimes extreme, but some of it may resonate. I'd be interested to see what you think.
Sometimes love is just not enough. She could very well love you in her own way, and you obviously love her. But, it is more than what you feel, it is what you do, and how committed you are to keep getting stronger- together.
Some too are priviledged, or entitled, in their outlook on life, and in their relationships. They have never really felt or shown compassion or humility, or show a conscience when others are suffering. They have never gone without that special self-status that puts them just a bit above those with whom they have little regard; which includes most people, friends, lovers, partners etc.
There is something really missing from the lives of those who have had it all, and have given little in return. Dishing out food at a shelter, is not quite the same as being the one needing the food to survive. It is superficial, even though it is the right thing to do, but there will never be an understanding of being hungry, or going without, or struggling for the basics of everyday survival, if you don't have the insight or maturity to do so, or unless you have experienced it yourself.
That is not to say that people can't change. But, change is not an easy thing. You need to have a very good reason to change, or why bother. It is very hard work to see your world not as you want it to be, but how it is. And if you are changing with your heart in the right place, anything is possible. But to change without insight and understanding, then it is just more superficial compliance, and doesn't do either party any long lasting good.
As to your son, he will benefit enormously from your influence, because you do understand how precious and meaningful your relationship with him is. That kind of love to have for a child, can never be taken away from you.
If you do decide to visit your counsellor again, discuss with her what happens when people just go through the motions, and do what they think is required, in order to maintain (but not change) the status quo. I cannot see how things can work, with only one partner giving 100 percent, and the other is stuck in a place that has been nurtured and comfortable, probably for most of her life if I read you right.
In the beginning, you could not have known, or predicted the future. You had no reason to doubt the person you married, but perhaps that person was never really there at all, and not the person you thought she was.
Day one after putting my foot down and showing self respect, my wife visited and we had sex.
I told her, I can't respect myself being the puppy dog. I feel pathetic that I can't have my own wife, and I can't respect myself by doing that either. I told her that I'm outta here unless she increases her level of commitment to working on our relationship.
The goal is to give them a thwap on the head, get a reality check, and let them know that they can't treat you like that, and if they do, you're outta there.
I know it sucks, and I fall into the same trap, even tonight, where you chase chase chase. Think of a cat playing with string. If you dangle the string above the cat, but don't let him get it. He'll play with it. The minute you put that string down on the floor, the cat will lose interest and walk away.
When you chase your wife, you're putting that string on the ground. It's not interesting.
Complaining isn't sexy, but if your wife cares at ALL about you, then she'll chase you if you establish boundaries and threaten to leave.
I'm not sure what the conditions of the previous separations were.
But, if you tell your wife 'i need this', and she refuses to meet your needs, then I'm sorry, there's only so much you can do. The threats are the only thing I can think of. Like a 'shock treatment'.
Another possible shock treatment perhaps would be to say you're going to the bar with some female friends. Something innocent, but enough to try to stir up some jealousy.
If you're at this point, don't be afraid to lose her. Try something extreme to shake up the hornets nest.
I know it hurts and it sucks. I do the same thing, I'll shake the hornets nest, and be like 'oh my god, i'm sorry I did that'. CONFIDENCE man! Do something, stick to it, don't apologize. By not apologizing, you're showing confidence. By not caring if you lose her, you're showing confidence. By caring about YOURSELF over her, you're showing self respect.
I knew a disabled gentleman that always had all the pretty girls hanging off him in college. He was *UGLY*. But what did he have? Confidence and self respect. I was much more handsome than he was, and those girls didn't give me a second look. Why? Because I wasn't confident around them.
I still haven't figured it all out. Yes, I did briefly get my wife back today (She's still living at her parents however, and went back). After we had sex, I started smothering her with kisses and hugs and 'cutesy' things while we watched a movie. This was *wrong*. Pouring affection on her put me back into the 'weak' mindset in her mind, and I'm sure that she felt she had the cards again. I dropped the string in front of her, and stopped dangling it. She stopped smiling every time I'd hug her, and just seemed to 'tolerate' it, after a while, whereas at the beginning of the night, she was visibly enjoying every hug and kiss.
You are playing a Role that you see in a movie that a sensitive, gentle, nice guy is what a woman want..... NO NO NO... you have to be a MAN.
If she is cheating on you, She is Cheating with a MAN.
Something that you are NOT (currently).
At 2 years of marriage, I would say let her go and she will continue a lifetime of failed marriages. You can't change her, but only FIX yourself.
My wife cheated on me after 16 years of marriage.
I was the NICE Guy and not a MAN.
After 2 years of her cheating, I am still married. It is not easy.
Read "The Ways of a Superior Man" by David Deida.
You will learn WHY she is yelling and testing you.
Be the Mature Man in the RELATIONSHIP by VALUING yourself.
She doesn't RESPECT you... Why would she, if you don't Value yourself, your time and efforts.
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