I have been married 3 years but with him for about 8years and i am so confused how does a person know what to do with mixed up feeling and I feel strong and everything, anyway we have been through so much stuff and I am only 23 years old when we were 1st together I chaeted on hime while he was in the military and he was away for 4 years and he did too he still says to this day he has not but i do nt believe him..... anyway now we have 2 babies and he is out of the military and we are still having trust issues and he doe snot trust me and i do trust him but I think it is because I do not care that much he has been so mean to me really really verbally abusive and a little physical abusive in the past and I have actually been physical as well not enough to hurt him but i know it is not right for either one of us but anyway he is trying ot be better it has been 2 weeks and he has been really nice but I do not know how long that will last and I have cheated on him again recently and i really like this guy that i have been with a couple times I think about him alot he treats me good but i d not know if it is because I really like him and it could be somthing great or if it just I want to feel wanted and I am tired of my husband i need help I fell really strong about this guy but I also love my husband and I think too much has happened between and he will never trust me and I guess that is trur because i cheated on him again what the F^%*& should I do??................?

Mom of 2

Good luck to you. Always know that you can find support through friends and family, as well as from this site. We may not be experts, but we have gone through similar circumstances.

freaked out

ok so I have another problem I got back with him again........ he is being really sweet and everything but i am still flirting and talking to this other guy at work what do i do what is my problem i can not stop I like the attention and i can get brave enough to tell this guy to leave me alone I guess I am scared to tell him to leave me alone because as soon as I do that me and my husband will leave eachother and I will be alone what do i do ?????

Mom of 2

My suggestion would be to go to therapy and talk to a professional. On the surface, I think you have a fear of being alone. You need to find out why, otherwise you will never be happy. You need to find comfort within yourself, be comfortable being alone with yourself and not be "co-dependant" by always needing someone to fill a void in your life. I am not saying that you are all to blame for this, but a lot of the reasons that we choose to do things (remember, no one can make us do things -- we ultimately make choices) may stem from your experiences as a child, in adolescence, etc. Did your parents divorce? Did one of them have an affair? Did one of them pass away when you were young? Did you have a relationship that was physically, verbally or emotionally abusive (either with a parent or a romantic one)? If a husband/wife/significant other does something that reminds the other person of a bad/sad situation, this triggers one to react. It is the choice of this person on how they will react. Remember, feelings are not good or bad. It is how we react to the feelings that makes the situation good or bad. Do we react with anger and retaliation? With fear? With a solution based attitude? You need to find the root as to why you choose to do the things that you do. Once you identify the why, then you can determine your next steps.

Bottom line is this, you canot have your cake and eat it too. You are married and if you want to work on your marriage, then you have to stop whatever relationship that you have with this other man, other than a platonic working relationship. If you feel that your marriage is not worth saving, then you have other decisions to make. However, whatever choice that you make, you need to follow through with it to completion and make the best of it. No one said that life was fair or easy. In my way of thinking, there is NEVER a good reason to have an affair. Let the other person go before you start a relationship with someone else. Think of how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If you were the one who was doing the begging in the relationship, thinking that you are on the road to reconciliation, while the other person has no intention of this.

Sorry to be so wordy, but these are my thoughts.

Bullistic1

First stop cheating. I imagine there are trust issues. If he is not what you want then end it, be satisfied with what you have. There are a lot of people that would kill for what you have. Is it bad or just not enough? Do you want to swim and keep one hand on the ladder for security. You need to let go and sink or swim. My parents would say crap or get off the pot. And you are setting an example for your children every second.

Mom of 2

Yes, absolutely stop cheating. There is NEVER an excuse for this.

freaked out

I have been in this relationship for about 8 years I am 23 years old and we have been married for about 3 years of that and we have been through more then I think i will in a life time so many problems we have both cheated he is very very verbally abusive more then anything else he has been physically abusive I have tried to be physical abusive but i just get hurt more so it is clearly not a healthy relationship at all i keep trying because we have 2 babies a 1 yr old and a 2yr old and I think i love him but all we do is fight and i just recently cheated on him again...... and I do not know why, I truly believe in my heqrt and in my mind that I love him but I cheated on him again and i do not know why and even after all that I still want to be with him and when we break up we always end up back together because i feel so sad and alone without him we always end up back together I need help on how to get over this i always think about being with someone else I do not know what to do if i should stay just for the kids so out family will work or if i should leave since i can not be faithfull anyway and on top of all that he is a a**Hole and has chaeted on me too and smokes weed all day can not keep a job got kicked out of the military for smoking weed and is just not a very good man ..........please help me I need a lot of advice and help

Pook_Myster

Wow.....the title of this post was 'What is real love?'

I can tell you frankly - it isn't this. From your question I detect a whole lot of anger and unresolved issues that exist between the two of you.

Firstly - Love is the want to make your partners life bliss, it is thoughtfulness, understanding, respect, admoration, gratitude.......and real love is when these things are returned to you - and this happens because you have a mutual want to make each others lives great, and you see how wonderful the other person is and it makes you want to hug them when they walk in the door from work and you smile when their car pulls up, and when they get home first they race you to the kitchen to cook dinner because doing something nice for you is important to them, and vice-versa.

Real love doesn't experience detest for each other. Your post changed from you saying you loved him and missed him and needed him when you weren't together, to calling him an a** hole and saying he isn't a very good man? And a couple who are happily in love don't feel the need for anyone else to satisfy them, so if you are cheating on each other I don't understand how you could think that was a part of being in love?

Being in love of course isn't always idialistic either. Any two people who live so closely together are bound to experience frustration, anger, they will argue and disagree at times, but the strength of your relationship is measured (I feel) by your ability to manage these times without hurting each other personally. I don't feel that it is our rite as an individual to inflict hurt on others, especially not on those that we are supposed to 'love'. If this is what is happening in your relationship then that isn't right. We live once (for all we know) and it is important firstly for you to be happy, and also for you to want to make your partners life happy - You're meant to make each other happy!

It sounds like you have some sorting out to do. You have to be prepared to have a good hard look at yourself and not blame others for your behaviours. You can't justify your cheating by saying that your partner is aweful - because you have control of your own actions - including whether you stay or go. You might just find that some open communication will show you that your partner might also like to work through some things?