what are his true intentions?

nightwolf87 · #1 Nov 14, 2006, 11:22 AM

my boyfriend, who has a hard time communicating his feelings, approached me recently and asked my thoughts on marriage. i would like to in the future, but he has clearly stated he does not believe in marriage, that he shouldn't have to get married to commit to someone. He has been engaged in the past, but been hurt in these relationships. i don't know if his unwillingness to get married is due to past problems, or if he is testing me to see if i will still commit to him regardless of his beliefs. he brings up marriage subtly now and then, in little ways i happen to notice. I can accept if he doesn't want to get married, but i can't help but to wonder if perhaps he has other intentions in the future, and is testing me? please help, i would really appreciate someone's opinions, thank you!

valinors_sorrow · Nov 14, 2006, 11:34 AM

I think its important to take someone at face value when they offer up what their limits are. Because when it comes to marriage, contrary to how you painted him, he obviously has feelings and has stated them quite clearly. To not take them as accurate opens this up to some gigantic game-- ugh. If marriage is a deal breaker, then it is. The only way to know if it is or isn't is to communicate honestly. So, where this leaves you now is asking yourself can you live without marriage and if not, when you do want to leave because of it?

ordinaryguy · Nov 14, 2006, 02:42 PM

You don't say how old you are or how long you've been together. I agree with Val that you should take him at his word. If marriage is important to you, and especially if you'd like it to happen sooner rather than later, then you need to tell him that you can't continue the relationship. Continuing in a relationship that isn't consistent with your true desires will just keep you from finding someone who shares your goals. I do believe that the people we attach ourselves to are reflections of ourselves in many ways, so he may be showing you that you really do have some ambivalence about marriage yourself. If that isn't true, then you needn't be afraid to break it off and move on.



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