My spouse continually deliberately disrespects me. The church doesn't seem to "understand" and they don't believe me that he would deliberately disrespect me. He bullies me, he tries to make it look like I am domestically violent, he lies about what goes on in our marriage, he punks on me and blames me for everything. Etc, etc. he also tries to "abuse" me by acting like he isn't doing anything. He will act normal and if I say anything in my defense, he will act like I am starting an argument. I also can't confront him for anything because of this. He plays mental games. The other day he was supposed to go cut wood for this newly young widow in the church. He kept primping himself and raising his chest and sucking in his stomach in the mirror. I said nothing. Then about 10 minutes before he was to be picked up (by a church membrer), he asked me if I wanted to go. I knew he did this deliberately because he knew I would not have time to get ready. When he came back he could not look me in the face. When I asked him some questions he claimed I was drilling him.

For instance, when watching TV he will lay down on the floor and fart right in my face. When I moved in front of him, he quit farting. He didn't fart for at least an hour. So I knew it was another game. He keeps on trying to provoke me.

In the past, he has tried to have me committed, I have found hickies on his penis, he has told the doctors that I am "mentally ill" he has done a lot of damage in my life and I don't know how to change this.

I don't know how he gets everybody against me. But he plays the victim to the church.

What can I do? I will be 50 in November and I have no skills. I am afraid to get out. The abuse shelters is a hard way to get back on my feet. I am too emotionally distraught to do anything. Also I have seen him laughing at me when he hurts me. He enjoys hurting me - but the church just cannot believe that anybody "christian" would be like that.

Okay, first off, forget about what the church or anyone else thinks!

If I were you, I would get rid of this idiot.

He sounds like an immature, rude, crude little pig if I might say so.

Do you have a job?

Do you have a friend or family member you can stay with?

He farts in your face and has hickies on his penis? What? I've never heard of a penis with a hickey on it, it sounds painful.

So you suspect that he's fooling around, that he sets you up, lies to your doctors, mentally tortures you, and tricks you emotionally in order to... what is his purpose? Any idea? And the entire congregation at church believes him, and thinks you are the one causing problems?

So, tell me what you plan to do. You say you can't, or won't leave, you don't want to go the shelter route, you have no skills, and nowhere to go.

Considering how you have described your life, I can't help but wonder why you haven't already left, and likely years ago.

Can your church not assist you with emergency funds? Do you have friends and family? Are there any social service agencies you can ask for help to?

If you leave and file for divorce, and get a separation, surely there are assets involved that you are entitled to?

So, why do you stay again?

Let me ask you one simple question...

If you had a daughter with a husband like this, what would you advise her to do?

If you have been married for over 10 years, it's about time to file a divorce and let him learn how to spell "alimony".

Good luck.

Hello, enigma1999,
I don't have a job. I haven't worked in many years. I am trying to figure out what to do to get skills. I want to go back to college but I think I am going to have to leave him first before I can even get there. I looked at some programs in college that I liked. I am also going to meetings about domestic violence. But I still feel stuck because there are many issues to getting out of a marriage like this, and usually the steps to get out are not easy.

Hello, jake.
To be quite honest, it sounds like you have anger issues yourself from the way you write. If you are an "emotional expert" then you need to be versed in all types of domestic violence, which I can tell that you aren't. But I am. First of all, I have been through it, second, I have studied it for years because of what I have been through, third, I happen to be a writer and am writing about domestic violence types. I would suggest that you study as to why women stay in these relationships first, because that is a fact that they stay. You don't provoke them. You try to work with them. It is their decision as to when they feel safe to leave.

Aside from that, jake, FYI, no hickies are not painful.

Also, why would a church that supports my husband, support me financially? I don't get that part. That is contradicting.

I do want to get out but I want to get out SAFELY. I think that is important.

I like the simple question, I would work with my daughter to help get her out. I would be patient, loving, and learn quickly about domestic violence and all the dynamics to make sure my daughter got out SAFELY. Then she could stay with me until she got on her feet. But I don't have that option.


And I thought that there might be a way to hold him accountable because I certainly wasn't able to by myself. I was trying to find some hope for the marriage but I guess there really isn't any.

You can't reason with an angry man or one who plays games and lies. But nobody has mentioned that and I am thinking that it just isn't going to happen that way.


I do NOT have family and friends where I live. An abuser isolates his victims.


If I can get a decent alimony I will go for it. We have been married for 11 years.

You can say you are a lot of things, but insightful you are not. Typically, when a poster posts a post, with a 'question' as opposed to a rant, such as you have done, and you don't get the answers you expect, you turn on the person answering your question.

What you don't understand is, reaction is to your words, and whether you like them or not, it is never okay to be rude, and turn on the person providing the answer to you. Kindly stick to your own words, and accept or dismiss the answers you get, but do not turn and attack.

That, is anger.

It is also a good idea to post your thoughts in one post, rather than several as you have done.

I don't know your church, or your husband, and no doubt, actually without a doubt, they would offer their own opinions of your opinions of them. When you paint yourself as such a helpless victim, with self proclaimed no way out, then what do you expect?

Now suddenly you are an expert in domestic violence, and a writer. You did not happen to mention that in your first post. What makes you an expert other than you've been there and done that. That kind of thinking- that you have all the answers, is confusing, as you can't figure out how to use resources to get out of an allegedly abusive home, and away from an abusive man.

So, you have been provided with many options, and I presume you have the ability after what you have said in your second post, to follow through.

You've gone from hopeless to heroine in two posts.

And, you can't help yourself- why? Have you talked to your family Doctor for advice on local women's shelters? Perhaps another church might help you because you do not trust the people in the one you attend now? A service organization? A women's resource centre?

If you are serious and you need to leave your husband, there are many, many opportunities for assistance, counselling, advice that are available to you.

So, try to start thinking in that direction, and again, it is not appropriate, and it is uncalled for, to turn on a person because you do not like what they have to say. This isn't a debate.

It's your question, and you will get different answers.

I find your attitude hostile, and I will not respond to you again.

This is a strange thing to say from someone who is being abused.

Mostly they are so whipped and under the thumb they can't see straight never mind knowing that an abuser isolates his victims.

You seem quite strong minded not weak from abuse, or scared to move because of the hold he may have over you.

There is no quick fix to leaving.

My advice is to look for legal aid and go through your options.

Also as you say your are well versed in domestic abuse,so you would have come across articles etc where you know how and where to find help.

You are not a typical victim,in fact by your words and posts you don't sound like a victim at all.

Have you spoken to any of your family about this? Even if they don't live near you.

I guess I'm confused... If it is so bad to the point you have been made to feel like a victim, I would leave fast.

You have to have some family or at least a close friend to turn to.


I'm not saying that your situation will be easy. It's going to be hard.


The first step is to get a job. Any job. A gas station, Mcy D's, Burger King, Walmart, anything. Start making an income. Sock that money away for now. Worry about college later.

It may be hard, but no harder than what you have been through and they have counselors and legal aid people to help. Its you best option.

Does he fart in Church? I certainly hope not. I'll bet he doesn't treat the members of the Church as he treats you. Leave him.

Regardless of how much knowledge I have on domestic violence, from what I have gone through, that does not make me NOT a victim. I am aware of the dynamics of what have all gone on. No wonder I started studying it and writing about it. Many victims do this. That doesn't mean that I have all the answers. That was why I wrote the question in the first place.

Regardless of the original attacks from jake, I too should have the right to respond back to that kind of writing, which I considered abusive, so I did respond. Sometimes abusers are attracted to victims.

I am looking for more resources not personal attacks which is ridiculous. Looking for hypocritical things in somebody's plea for help is just ridiculous.

I am a victim of domestic violence. Just because I have learned from what I have gone through does not make me a non-victim anymore. I started studying up on it. Then I started writing about it. That is pretty common. I ask a question to get more resources, I get personally attacked instead of being helped so I respond. I am looking for more resources. If anybody wants to give resources, please do so, but I do not need for someone to find places where I have "lied" etc. or where it sounds suspicious. Just move beyond the personal attacks, please. I am looking for resources and fresh ideas on what to do.

It looks like you are the one who is hostile. As I said in your first note, you are angry. You are too hung up on personal instead of professional.

I like to think of myself as being strong. That helps me and it keeps giving me hope.

Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. The only person
You have to answer to is the good Lord.
Don't worry about what people in the church think. Most of them probably have skeletons in their closets.
God is your judge not them. See a lawyer. If you have a good background you could probably work in a school or in a church
Job.

If everything you say is true, then we can understand why you feel trapped and helpless. So even though leaving an abusive relationship is quite terrifying, the risk of staying is even worse. We understand that you are psychologically beaten down, financially controlled, etc, etc. So if all is this is true, then you can start as others have mentioned, by getting yourself to a women's shelter {domestic violence shelter} where they will be able to house you and help you find a permanent home, job, and refer you to other services that are available. But only you can take that first step.

I stand behind my advice whether you agree or disagree,you want out safely you need,

1. legal advice.

2.some councilling

3.anger management.

You can find things resources from your local citizens advice,your doctor,legal aid in your area.

I honestly believe she is in an abusive relationship.

I was hoping to do it another way but I think that may be the only way out.