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Hello all, we have been together for two years, in that time we have broken up before and it's always for the same reason: I feel he's being controlling and won't compromise, so I leave. Then he calls me crying and I come back, 6 months later, same thing. He used to just unbearable, but it has gotten better, but he's still "my way or no way". For instance, about money, I think we should decide how much we need for our bills, how much we need to put into savings and then have a little to play with. He says we shouldn't spend anything, only in savings. I have to feel guilty to buy myself anything. This year I spent $100 on my niece's birthday, he absolutely flipped out, said I am irresponsible with money. If I want to go to the store to buy makeup cause I ran out, he insists I go with him or bring his mother along, because she speaks the language here (we live abroad) and she knows how to find the best deals and I don't. I feel like he thinks I am totally incompotent of making any choices on my own and I feel controlled and not able to spend anything on myself. He says I am just not "calculated" and that he "can't live like this, where you think it's ok to just spend." That's not what I think at all, but to spend SOMETIMES?! Yes.
He also involves his family in all our fights and all our choices. He says this is the culture here, families are close. I said "Ok, I don't mind you being close to your family, but ummm, you shouldn't need to go to them for everything and you should always consult me first!" We live together and are supposed to be planning a wedding, he's marrying me, not his parents. I told him this makes me feel very uncomfortable around them, because of course they take his side and I feel since he continues to involve them, he obviously doesn't care how it makes me feel.
Lastly, when he has an opinion about something, it's almost always fact in his mind. Everyone and everything else is wrong. He's not always like this, but when he does get that way, there is absolutely NO talking to him at all. If I try to tell him he needs to listen to my feelings as well, he either doesn't seem to be paying attention, cracking jokes and being sarcastic, changing the subject or getting defensive and making the whole thing my fault. "I am cheap? You are not responsible!!!! You think money comes easy." Hence, he's not really hearing my point about that I am feeling controlled with money, this is just an example.
After I try to talk to him and it doesn't work, we inevitably start a screaming match, slinging insults and threats to break up. I will say "I can't do this anymore! There's no getting through to you!" Or he will say "If you aren't happy, why don't you just leave!" This ends with me packing my things and him saying "See, you're running again! You're not normal, you always run when there's a problem!" His parents apparently agree that this is wrong of me to do, but I don't know what else to do? I just don't seem to get through to him at all any other way...Some people are telling me it's my fault for running or breaking it off, but I seriously want to ask them: Do you wanna try living with this?! I don't know how to get him to compromise and so I leave cause I feel I will go insane if I don't. I don't want this to continue anymore, I want to either get counseling or leave for good. Am I wrong here?!
Yes not only is his ways his culture and ingrained in his very being, it is also the way he sees the world and rationalizes everything.
You can not change him. Even if he went along with your way for a while he would still insist his way is right and better.
He can not and will not comprehend it is about controlling you, but it is.
You need to emotionally detach that he wants you back and move on.
A leopard doesn't change its spots, neither will he.
If both of you agree to counseling you could always give it a honest try....before you get married.
As NOhelp4u said, people don't often change....unless they realize that they need to, they really want to, and they are willing to put forth the effort.
If you are not happy with how things are handled now, with money, family involvement, disagreements, communication, etc., don't expect it to change once you get married...if anything, it is likely to become worse. Those "annoyances", will become wedges in your relationship very quickly.
Loving someone does not mean they would be the best marriage partner for you.
You said it yourself....Do you want to try living with this??? I'll ask you....If he's not willing to change, if you don't think he even believes that he needs to, do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? I think you already know the answer.
I think what he's really telling you, is anything you have to say about changing him, his family, his culture, his expectations, just isn't going to happen.
You may win the odd war, but you will never win the battle.
If you choose to live in a country where the rules of living have been entrenched for hundreds, if not thousands of years, what do you expect to do to except fight every inch of the way just to buy mascara, which turned into a family event. OR, accept it the way it is.
With him always involving his family in all your arguments and decisions as you said, this is also not something you can never expect to change.
What happens when a baby comes along.
I think that counselling might be a good idea, if only to open your eyes as to what you are getting yourself into here.
The relationship will likely eventually include all of his family, so in other words you will be getting a package deal, like it or not.
I'm sorry, but I don't think that counselling will fix this. He's stuck in a narcissistic pattern of behavior that is reinforced by his culture and his family.
You will never win. Ever.
If it's like this now, imagine what it will be like in 10 years time, imagine what it will be like when you have children. You think you're restricted now? Look ten years ahead - there is only difficulty, tension and ultimately grief here.
This may be about his culture and his family, but it's also about his personality. He's controlling and paternalistic and the society he lives in supports this.
Get out while you can- you've done it before. His family will hate you and in the end he will too, but you'll have escaped literally, a fate worse that death.
I apologize for being so harsh, but I can only see sadness if you stay in this dysunctional situation.
Why would you want to actually marry a control freak? He will never change and probably it will only get worse. Get out now before you make the mistake of your life.
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