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Wedding in 2 weeks, feelings for x, cold feet or more?
Asked Sep 20, 2009, 11:32 PM
So here's my dilemma, Six months ago my boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up. I immediately started dating someone else. He and I fell in love quickly and are getting married in 2 weeks. I went yesterday for my final fitting of my wedding dress. When I saw the dress I almost threw up from nerves! And then broke down into tears and confessed everything to the ladies at the dress shop.
The problem lies with my ex. I have talked and met with him periodically over the last six months. He has begged me back, he even bought a ring and proposed to me at my college in front of everyone! But I have always told him that we want different things and I couldn't be with him. But now as the wedding gets closer I think about him constantly and my heart and stomach literally hurt. Especially when I am around one of my bridesmaids that I met when I was with him and we all hung out and did stuff together. She is now my best friend and when we try to hang out together I cry uncontrollably.
To add to this mess, I am already divorced, I have 2 children. My fianc? Is a wonderful christian man. My boys call him dad and he would give us the world. I do love him, and I know that we will have a wonderful christian life together. We get along wonderfully and laugh and joke all the time. But we don't hang out with other couples or do anything that I used to enjoy doing with the my ex (which includes going out dancing, going to parties and socially drinking).
I just can't stop thinking about my ex. He was good to me also but didn't get involved with my children very much. After I broke it off with him, he had a really hard time, he started drinking a lot and crying in public and a bunch of other stuff. Finally one day he went to church and spoke with the preacher and has totally turned his life around. He swears that he will take care of us and that no one could loves us more than he does. I want to believe him, but should I risk losing a wonderful man that already does all of the things that he promises he will do? I am so confused, I don't want to hurt anyone, the guys or my children. I am making everyone around me miserable because my nerves are so bad. I am grouchy and always shaking. I have even picked at my head so bad, I have made huge painful sores not to mention how broken out my face has gotten. (I have always had a hard time dealing with stress).
I know that people say you can't be in love with 2 people, but I am! I truly love them both and don't know what to do. I have talked with my fianc? About my doubts. (he kind of knows that I still think about the ex) and even though he knows, he tells me that we will work through it together. I don't want to make another mistake (the 1st marriage)Someone please give me some advice. Please please help me in deciding what to do!
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Sep 21, 2009, 12:06 AM
Slow down! Too much too soon has extreme disadvantages, as you've now seen.
This won't resolve itself in two weeks because you've been creating it for the past six months. You haven't resolved your feelings for your Ex and it's really shameful that you've continued to allow him to court you whilst another man (your husband to be) has also been on the scene. This is not 'Christian' behavior. Essentially you've been cheating and although your fiancˇe is aware of some of it, you need to tell him the complete truth.
Your priority should be your fiancˇe. You must be totally honest with him and tell him about the Ex and about your doubts. He will, understandably be very hurt. Most probably you will need to defer the wedding or you'll make a serious mistake that will affect a lot of people - you, your children, the husband to be and the Ex.
Good relationships are a privilege and you have not honored your obligations to your fiancˇe. If you really love this guy try to treat him with respect. Your lack of integrity has allowed the situation to spiral out of control - take back control, talk to your fiancˇe and defer the wedding.
Do not go into marriage with doubts - this is a complete recipe for disaster.
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Sep 21, 2009, 01:42 AM
Had to spread the rep gemini...
Gemini is right,too many people here can get hurt,I understand that you love both men,both offer you something..your fianc? Can offer you a stable home for you and your children,a life of love and commitment,the other man,can offer you,fun,frolics and says he can do the all singing and dancing too.
Think seriously here.
Sit down and talk to your fianc?,be totally honest,tell him what's in your heart,he sounds like a good man,even if the words you say hurt him,he deserves the truth about your feelings.
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Sep 21, 2009, 06:11 AM
Where to start?
I agree that you need to slow down, take a deep breath, and really look at what is going on.
You need to not be in a relationship with anyone other than yourself and your children right now. Huge Red Flags start waving like crazy when you leave one relationship and "immediately" jump into the next.
Do you love him or the idea of a stable relationship?
Are you marrying him because you "love" him or because he will provide a "home" for you and your children?
You aren't over the ex. The husband-to-be deserves to be more than you settling.
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Senior Family & People Expert
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Sep 21, 2009, 08:47 AM
We all agree that jumping to another man, and getting married within 6 months of the break up, is a really lousy idea
. You need a lot more time for yourself, without an new romantic influences to resolve your issues(moving to fast), and to heal old wounds.
If you are as loved as the new guy says, (and 6 months is not enough time to know him well
) he will give you the time, and space to do so, or you are only going to carry the baggage from the past with you in the future. Whats the hurry any way? You seem more concerned with the idea of marriage, than you do with having a happy, healthy, adult relationship. That takes time and work to build.
Didn't you learn from your divorce, that marriage doesn't solve problems, it creates them. Thats not your answer. Time, and healing is
. You can get married in 2 years if you get it together NOW!
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