At Ask Me Help Desk you can ask questions in any topic and have them
answered for free by our experts. To ask questions or participate in
answering them you must register for a free account. By registering you
will be able to:
Get free answers from experts in any of our 300+
topics.
My husband and I have had a rough last year and half. My husband lost his job last year august, we had to live with his family for a while... then I lost my job in April. We actually ended up becoming homeless in July and did not find a steady place to live until September.
During all of this, I became pregnant in July. We had been married for over two years... and even though it wasn't the best time for us to start a family; my personal beliefs warrant keeping the baby. Fortunately I got a job 3 months after becoming pregnant, we found a nice place to live and things to be fine. except...
My husband will not work. He spends his days sleeping, his nights playing video games. He refuses to speak of the baby, go to doctors appointments, go to ultra sounds, look at the ultrasound photos, or attend prenatal classes. He says that he will be staying home and taking care of the child, whom he admits that he dislikes or even hates right now.
The most hurtful thing is the fact that he absolutely refuses to even touch my stomach. At twenty weeks he brought up abortion. Last week he brought up adoption. People have said that eventually the pregnancy will seem more real to him and he will come around. I am now 25 weeks along, and no matter what place we were in before I became pregnant, this baby means the world to me.
Now I'll say this and mean it, I love my husband, but I feel so incredibly alone. Pregnancy is supposed to be a wonderful time, but mine has been ruined. I don't think that I can forgive my husband for this... and I don't think that I can continue to be married to a man that refuses to even acknowledge our child. I've told him on multiple occasions that I am very scared about becoming a mom, but he refuses to support me in any meaningful way.
Should I seek a divorce now? After the baby is born and wait and see? Is there anything that I can do to save my marriage?
littleone, you aren't alone. You have your baby. Also, please reach out to social services and see if they can help. You have many options, now-a-days. And yes, your husband should get off his butt and get a job. But he maybe depressed and need help as well. Maybe they could advise you and help support you during this time of struggle? What you are going thru isn't easy. But you aren't alone. Just put your hand on that little tummy - and you will know you will never be alone as long as you feel the miracle inside of you or hold that child in your arms for the first time. Many of us feel as if being touched by god during that moment. It is a feeling of peace that is just indescribable.
What your husband is demonstrating is signs and symptoms of depression. Here is how it works in your case:
He lost his job, you lost yours, you both became homeless, and now you have a job and a home thanks to your new job. In his eyes he has failed you as a husband and a man, now he fears failing your baby.
Yes, he should get off his butt and get a job, but it is not easy for him to do. Believe me, I have walked a mile in your shoes. Granted I was not homeless, I had cancer instead. My husband went through the same depression that yours is going through. My husband is a "fixer" and this was something he could not "fix" he was afraid of losing me, so he sunk deep in the depths of depression.
You need to get him into the doctor and on medication, he needs counceling, therapy to get over his fear of failure.
I don't know if you have family to help, but the first thing is to talk to your partner and either he gets help and get a job or he has to go. How dare he not give his full support to his family in your time of need. This is unacceptable. No way should you be doing this alone, with his healthy rusty azz just sitting looking stupid.
Yes, Tal, how DARE he, and I agree. However, depression, if in fact this is what it is, is a paralyzing disease.
He feels worthless because of the loss of his job and home. He feels worthless because she got a job and a home, he did nothing to help. He could be feeling suicidal without verbalizing it.
From what I am reading, this is excatly what is happening. It is easy to tell a depressed person to cheer up and be happy, but it is another thing for them to actually be able to do.
The money was only part of the issue... and I've had a feeling that he's been depressed for a long time. I actually have a history of bipolarism and have a bit too much experience with depression. Him not working isn't so much the issue, as him not being a part of the family, in mind or body. I actually make a good amount of money and can easily support the family.
My husband has really withdrawn himself, and I have tried to be supportive of all his positive activity, ie taking regular showers, making plans to exercise, talk of going back to school... I really wish my family were closer to offer more support. His family basically abandoned us (another reason why he is sad).
I can work through the money problems. I grew up very poor... and know how to live off mac and cheese and applesauce, what is really hurtful is that he just will not talk to me about any of his hurt feelings, what upsets him... he just shuts off.
I have brought up professional help to him. How it isn't just about helping him, but us. He is very reluctant because of what most of the medications do to me, I have some pretty crazy side affects/mood swings when on medication.
I'll keep bringing it up, and hopefully he will consent eventually, hopefully before the baby comes.
Oh, now you really showed me that he is suffering from depression. You have to be supportive if he takes regular showers? Yup, he suffers from depression alrighty. There are many forms of depression, not just bipolar. There is situational, general anxiety, etc. He may be suffering from the situational because if the situation he FEELS he put you two in. This may not be the case, but he may feel that it is his fault.
Men do tend to shut off if they feel like they have failed their wives. Look, you both lost jobs, lost home, and he lost his family. I know you have a good job, and you make money, but he does not see it like that.
Most likely he is not thinking rationally, and you proved that by having to be supportive of what should be ADLs (activities of daily living) that he does not seem to be able to do on his own.
I don't know what meds you SHOULD be taking, but if you are having these side-effects then maybe the meds are not the right ones for you. The right meds would not have these side-effects. They would be calming more than mood swings. Maybe you should have your meds re-evaluated and take him with you to the doctor.
Your husband is no doubt afraid of becoming a father, probably because of your financial situation right now. This is an understandable if not rational response. Right now he needs encouragement and a little motivation. Why is he not working? He should be pouring all of his time and energy into finding a job. Make sure you apply for whatever financial assistance you may be eligible for. WIC (Women, Infants and Children) is a particularly helpful program, for which you'd probably qualify. You may also qualify for Medicaid. I think a little financial stability will put your husband's mind at ease and hopefully encourage him to be a more supportive dad-to-be.
Linear Mode
