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Hello all,
I apologize in advance for this being so lengthy! I just want to make sure you get all the facts to be able to hopefully help me out! In a nutshell, I am unhappy in my marriage. I have been with my husband for 6-1/2 years, married for 4-1/2. We have an awesome 3 yr-old daughter. I have been having serious doubts about our relationship since we got engaged (7 mos. in). Initially, the problems were because he became very needy, almost like the clichéd woman - always questioning how I felt, how I knew he was the one (I made the mistake of sharing my old diary with him, in which I “knew” time after time, that “this (current) guy is the one”. Eventually, the neediness was toned down, but now I find that I just don’t love him anymore. I questioned my feelings even before we married, but by that point felt like I couldn’t stop things from progressing (I know now, that I should have gotten out while I could). The thing is, I just don’t care about him anymore. I have tried to discuss things with him several times over the past couple years, even telling him that I wasn’t sure that I loved him, and he just goes into “Is this because the bathroom isn’t done? Is this because I played poker last night? Etc….” Then eventually I feel bad and figure, well, it could be worse. Maybe I should just suck it up and deal with it. I understand that passion fades in a marriage, but I have NO desire for any physical contact with him. Obviously, we do have sex - maybe once a week, but I could take it or leave it. We don’t fight a lot, but when we do, he makes me angrier than anyone ever has – and then rehashes the entire discussion, acting like he was the calm, relaxed one and I “flipped out” for no reason. He thinks I am negative because I am realistic, and always need to see all sides of things, and prepare for the worst, just in case. I don’t trust him as far as money is concerned, because we are seriously in debt, but he continues to eat lunch out (when he could brown bag it), buy (4) season NFL tickets (instead of splitting them with his friends/brothers), and just be generally careless with money, while I am trying to save every penny!
I feel like I am staying in this marriage because I have a stable, relatively comfortable life – I am able to stay home with my daughter (since Mar ’05), we have a nice house (even with all the unfinished projects, which is yet another story), and separating would upset everything. BUT, I completely feel like if my husband didn’t come home today, I would not even care. And that’s obviously not how a wife should feel about her husband.
On another note, I have been thinking about my high school sweetheart almost every day for just about our entire relationship. I ran into him back when I was engaged, and now I feel like that was my wake-up call, I should have taken that detour, but I didn’t. I’m sure that my memories are sugar-coated, but I can’t stop thinking about him. Now I know that if I left my husband, I wouldn’t necessarily end up with my hs sweetheart, but I also know that I am willing to take that chance and would rather be alone (with my daughter) than stay in an unhappy marriage.
I know that you are going to recommend counseling, and we have talked about that, but I don’t even want to try anymore. I’d like to go by myself, if anything, and not even tell him I’m going. I know he would go, but I don’t even want him to.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated! It’s no secret among my close friends and immediate family that I am not thrilled in my marriage, but I just don’t like to get them too involved. Thanks!
The relationship is already dead in your mind, why continue in it physically?
It sounds like you see your husband as a "wimp".
Can you ever get over that -or will he always be that in your eyes?
You've realized you made a mistake, and it's good to recognize that you have to correct that mistake as best you can. I don't think you'll ever be attracted to your husband like you think you should be - and that will always bother you.
Based on what you've said, if you're not wanting to work on your marrige anymore, the best bet is to make an amicable split and move on with your life.
Doesn't sound like much communication went on especially since you've had these feeling since 7 mo's into the marriage. Since you have already ruled out counselling then the only thing left is to get a lawyer. If you don't want to try any longer why prolong the agony and just tell the guy the truth! 4 years is a long time to live a lie!
Thank you, thank you for your input...
I know that it is very important to be true to myself, and when I do that, I know that this is not where I should be. I just want to do right by my daughter, and part of me feels like I should figure out how to make it work (even thought I feel I don't want to) for her sake. The other part of me says what am I teaching her by staying in a marriage that is merely (sometimes barely) tolerant - she will notice one day that I never show any physical affection or love towards her daddy.
There are so many more details - too many to possibly explain. I know I probably sound like a cold-hearted B**, but I really am not. He is no angel - while he doesn't beat me, cheat on me, or drink too much, there are things about him that I don't like. He makes comments all the time (that he swears are just jokes) about women - being bad drivers, being evil, etc. While he says he supports me being home, and knows I work hard, he still barely helps out - unless I ask several times, and drives me crazy by not even cleaning up after himself. Maybe this is a man thing, but it just doesn't work for me.
Thanks again for the input...I don't want to make a mistake, but I also don't want to not make a move because of fear of making a mistake. I just wish I had a crystal ball to help me do the right thing!
It was either Ann Landers or Dear Abby who asked the salient question. You need to decide whether you are better off with him or without him. Only you can decide that. Once you do, you will know how to proceed.
ScottGem,
That's the thing - I completely feel like I would be better off without him. I feel like he brings me down - financially, emotionally, and physically. Financially, because he has "champagne taste" and we have "beer pockets" - emotionally, because I so want to be TOTALLY in LOVE, and I am NOT - and physically, because I want to be TOTALLY attracted to my partner, always wanting to be in his arms, etc...and I don't feel that either...
The issue, I guess, is...do I really want to begin the huge hassle & struggle that a divorce will entail? I know that's not what I should be worried about, but I am...also, I don't think I should have to worry about this, but...while I have no problem sharing custody of our daughter (I would NEVER fight that for her sake and for his), he is originally from another state (5 hrs away)...so I have no idea if he would want to move back there (probably), and what that means for custody. Will I get penalized for initiating the divorce as far as custody goes? I ABSOLUTELY will not give up my daughter...you would think that he would stay local to be in her life...but I know he would want to go back...
Perhaps this is a question for a different category...?
Thank you again...you have all been more help than you could possibly imagine...
I can't see anything horribly wrong with your husband. He jokes around about women, but most men do. Generally, you just joke back and have a good laugh together. He enjoys splurging on NFL tickets. Most people have *something* that they enjoy splurging on. Spoiling yourself every once in a while helps to make ordinary life more tolerable. Life would be pretty drab and mundane if you devote your entire purpose of living to pinching pennies.
Your husband bought the family a nice home and makes a living comfortable enough to allow you the luxury of staying home with your daughter. He's not very good about helping around the house, but if that's the worst thing you can say about him, that's small potatoes.
It seems that you're simply dissatisfied with your life. Perhaps you're suffering from "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" syndrome. Perhaps, if you get rid of the "dissatisfying" husband, life will suddenly become more satisfying? Perhaps you're just confusing your general feeling of dissatisfaction with no longer feeling in love with your husband. I think your husband is merely the victim in this scenario. You're allowing petty grievances about your married life to overshadow your thinking and thwart your ability to be happy.
If you take the time and effort that you regularly focus on your complaints and redirect that time and effort toward rekindling your love for your hubby and focusing on the positive, you might discover how truly lucky you are. If you spend your time loving, cherishing, and respecting your man instead of focusing on his perceived faults, the rewards will be so amazing that you'll forget you ever had any complaints.
The ball is really in your court. You can make this an amazing, loving, fullfillling marriage--or you can make it the dissatisfying marriage that you want to leave. If it's the latter, be sure to get a job and child care lined up before you go. Take care.
I never said there was anything "horribly wrong" with my husband. And no, there's nothing wrong with having a good laugh together, BUT, when the "jokes" are always sexist and not even remotely funny, then I have an issue with them. I am certainly no prissy, tight-lipped woman - there is not one of my friends or family members that would even remotely describe me that way. I am completely open-minded about pretty much everything.
My husband did not "buy the family a nice home" - we paid for this house and everything else we have together, I worked my entire life up until one year ago, when we could finally afford to get by on one income.
I am by no means a penny pincher either - but when we have credit card debt up to our eyeballs, and can only make minimum monthly payments, and our incoming $$ is exactly what our outgoing $$ is each month, how is it okay to "splurge" with a credit card for $3000????
I know what most men probably don't help out around the house, and the fact that I am home means I will handle the majority of the household chores, but the fact remains that even when I was working 40 hours a week as well, I was STILL doing everything around the house. I don't feel it's my job to clean up after him as well as the other tasks that I handle.
I never said I was so sure that life will be more satisfying without him, that's the chance I take if I leave.
I am NOT constantly focusing on my complaints, I try every day to focus on the positive. I know that I am lucky to be able to stay home with my daughter, BUT, I cannot MAKE myself be madly in love. And I don't think I should have to live every day feeling like I'm wasting my life in a loveless marriage.
I know you are trying to help, but you don't know all the details here, and you don't know my husband or me. Trust me, if I were to annouce to my friends and family that we were separating, not one person would be surprised - and these are people that know both of us very well.
So,thanks for your input, but I have to disagree that it is all on me to make this work. And also, I do know that I will have to go back to work and arrange for child care (lucky for me, I have Grandmom - THAT'S where my life is truly lucky - my awesome, supportive parents)
No, I don't know you personally. I do, however, know a lot of people like you. You are a complainer. It would be nice if you could post something nice about your husband, but I'm not expecting it.
You're kidding me right? I'm starting to think you ARE my husband masquerading as "Debra". I came to this forum for advice - obviously anyone looking for help and/or advice is going to be sharing their issues (or "complaints", in your eyes). You must either be unmarried, or you have found the most wonderful, never-do-wrong man in the world to be your husband. You want some nice things? Okay, he's a wonderful Daddy, he can be funny, he can hold a conversation with anyone, we have a lot of the same interests, and I'm sure there's more. A lot of the people who know him, like him, BUT, they are not married to him. Happy? That's a huge part of my confusion in figuring out what to do - he doesn't do any HORRIBLE things (hit me, drink, gamble, whatever).
It's not easy to admit that I probably made a mistake in getting married, and I came here, sharing my concerns out in the open, to find support and advice, not to be called a "complainer". I am the most laid-back person you could ever meet, but there comes a point where enough is enough.
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