I have been married for many years, but have never been happy. Looking back, I don't think the love was ever there, but I was at what seemed to be a point of no return. My wife is a great person. She certainly doesn't deserve this and doesn't have any idea that there is no love there, I don't think. I sometimes just don't like being around her, most of the time in fact. My happiest times is when she isn't around. We aren't compatible at all, and have very few common interests. I am a Christian and don't believe in divorce, but if I had a way out, I would take it. We split up within a few months of getting married and then I learned she was pregnant. I wouldn't leave her. We have raised our family, I am in my early fifties, and I have learned to cope without love. I treat her well, and she treats me well. I can't tell you how badly this hurts. I have talked with my pastor, counselor and others, but nobody can believe or relate that there had NEVER been love there, so there isn't foundation to build on. Sometimes, I fantasize about her telling me that she has found someone else and she wants out. That would give me my out. I would not hurt her in any way, and have now lived nearly a quarter century of my life without loving my own wife. I don't think anybody in the world understands me. I am very well liked and respected by my church, community and my profession. People like my wife as well.
You are behaving cowardly. You are using "I am a Christian and don't believe in divorce..." as your excuse to not do anything about your situation because you are afraid "I don't think anybody in the world understands me." and you're worried about loosing repsect from "my church, community and my profession".
You have to make a choice - Do something about your unhappyness or accept it and quit complaining.
Talk to your wife. Discuss how you feel - openly and honestly.
Why in the world did you ever do this to this woman? She deserves someone so much better than you. If you think she does not know that you don't love her you are crazy, a female can tell those things just by the way you touch her and talk to her and make love to her. Have you ever thought that maybe she loves you but wishes that you would leave her so that she does not have to suffer the resentment of her that you are bound to show.
I can imagine how she must feel when you two ore intimate, she has got to feel like a prostitute, giving you sex for the security that you give her.
You say you are a Christian, then do the best you can and find a way to love her, and try to show her that you mean it, either that or divorce her so she will have a chance to find that other person that you are wishing she would find.
Yeah for the most part you are correct. I have faked all of it pretty well. I don't think I show her resentment. I try to do all the things. I bring her coffee in bed every morning so she can get up leisurely, when she wants. I give her cards and sometimes flowers. I open the door for her, etc. etc. I really do try to give her a good marriage. She truly believes I love her with all my heart. I'm in it deep, as you can tell. She has never done anything to deserve any of this; thats why I've stuck it out for all this time. And you are correct, she deserves someone so much better than me. But I have never cheated on her, I keep myself very fit physically, I talk long walks and talks with her every day, and I have tried to make it work to make it happen. It's just not there in my heart. Before we were married, I didn't think it could work and she called me and told me that she was praying, and she felt God had spoken to her and said that we should be together. I was struggling in my life at that time, and so was she. I did believe at that time that maybe we should be together and that the feelings would follow. Thanks for listening
i understand that you are no longer interested in her it must be very dificult. be honest with her. it helps so much. take some time apart and give seperation a thought if you are not willing to divorce. for some reason i belive that we should never sacrifice our own happiness for anyone else. also you will be doing her a favor maybe she will have the opportunity of meeting someone that will love her. Good Luck!
I think your whole problem is you have no clue what love really feels like.
I do know what love feels like. I was married once before for four years. I loved her with all my heart. She left me for a friend of mine. We had a little boy together and she left him with me, and he was 11 months old at the time. I harbor no ill will to her. He's grown now, and she is doing fine with her marriage. Linda and I raised him. She had three children of her own from a previous marriage who were older and almost out of the house. Then, we had two of our own. We put together a home for all of them and it worked. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed in many, many ways and am very thankful. But you're right partly. I no how love feels, but it's somewhere that just isn't there. I have learned to adapt. My point to my posting wasn't to be a complainer. I am estremely positive. In my life it's just the one issue; and that is that I'm living a lie, but I'm living it out pretty well. It's just sad though. Thanks for the answers.
Yes it is sad, Almost destroys all the good things you've done. Could you be comparing the feelings you had with your first wife, and they come up short with the second one? We all change and our experiences change us and our feelings as well. You may be carrying a burden you should have dealt with years ago, having been hurt by the abandonment of the first wife. Have you been burying feelings for so long you no longer feel?
Sometimes, we don't know how good we have had it until its gone. Maybe you need marriage counseling so that these feelings can be confronted. Maybe your wife feels the same way that you do and is also unable to confront the aspect of not being happy due to your religious belief system? Sometimes, when we aren't able to be up front and honest about how we are feeling about our loved ones it causes resentment. Which can kill any marriage, eventualy.
I think its wrong to attack someone who is trying to find an answer. I also want to add that your probably not going to find the answer today-if only it could be that simple. It takes two. I am in a similiar situation... and I've left my husband who I did love at one point, very much. I left him for someone else and he forgave me which was very unexpected... and I went back. I thought that no one could love me as much as that and it must be where I'm suppose to be. I think we try to make good choices and they don't always turn out like we thought. Usually once we even realize this a little we have kids, or a dream home and so much tied into it - beliefs, guilt ect that we don't know how to realistically say we are done. There are so many things involved, families split, money... and the what if. Some of us just can't be alone. You just have to try and beleive that everything happens for a reason. Now me... My husband knows exactly how I feel, and I sometimes feel very bad about it... but again, it takes two and he did much to me before I left that caused so much resentment that I don't always feel bad for not loving him like I use to. The difference is that you say you don't love her, where as I am just always confused. If you are sure... then at most you owe it to her to tell her... and maybe deep down you really do love her. Maybe this will help you to see it... and maybe that is why you really haven't told her, because deep down you might not really want her to be gone forever.
Life is a funny thing... and I'm only 28.
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