I'm having doubt about getting married, but are these doubts about getting married to him enough to end an engagement with the man I believe to be my first true love?

1. I believe he has a fetish with the way I look (being black) he is white and has a porn collection which consists of only black women

2. He is 30 and I am 20. (do men really age better than women or am I doomed to be with an old prune?)

3. He wants children now, I don't want them for atleast 5 more years.

4. Am I his fiance or his child? (He pays for everything and sets all the rules)

5. Should I be worried about the fact he said he wants to mold me into the perfect woman/ wife?

6. He goes to church and pretends to be religious yet lives a sinful life with me... ( and I don't like church or religion)

Please help me make my final decision.

kp2171

first... id suggest all posters read the other threads before answering these questions...

http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-s...rt-210855.html

http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-s...te-209465.html

http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...-a-209460.html

1) that hes attracted to a black woman isnt an issue. ive dated women of different frames and ethnicities. i have certain fetishes that tend to dictate who i dated. no big deal.

as for porn... well would you prefer he have porn of older white women only? if he has porn, is it shocking that he finds women like you attractive? whether its good he has porn in another issue.. but really... should he have gay porn? porn with people that look nothing like you??

2) i find your question, the way its phrased, insulting and rude. you have an issue with his being older. my wife is 5 years older than me and this never once was a concern. an old prune... guess what? you dont know how he is going to age, just as he doesnt know how you will. you could put on weight, you could have a terrible illness... that you ask this question this way blows me away.

3) neither side is wrong. if he has a child sooner, he will likely be able to play and be more active in the childs life. from your other posts its clear you want to run with the other friends your age to the clubs. thats not wrong, but why marry if you cant agree on this?

4) ok... so whats stopping you from paying? you are a student... fine. so? you let him pay. you dont choose to be in this situation and them blame him when you let him pay. period. my wife was a single mother at 20 who worked through college and paid her own way. if this is an issue either suck it up or dont complain. as for the "rules"... you get a say here too. if hes too authoritarian for you, again... WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM?

you have all these concerns and have yet to clearly state why you are with him... well, theres the fact you are scared to be alone

5) he wants to mold you... dont know what thats about.

6) he lives a sinful life with you... and you dont like church or religion... i give up.

make another list

WHY DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD BE WITH HIM?

pretend im a girlfriend who thinks hes too old for you and youll waste the "best years" of your youth on a perverted, control freak who will be wrinkled before you know it.

convince me that you should get married. why marry him?

Handyman2007

IMHO...He is a control freak,,,,,,,,,get out while you can.

Tuscany

KP- I need to spread the love. But I agree 100% with all that you have said. Well said and great job.

kp2171

all ive seen so far is they have a lot of sex and he pays for things.

amIwrong

1. everyone has a preference on their personal attraction

2. All people age differently, regardless of gender, race, etc. Your afraid he won't have it for you anymore once your not 20 or so I am guessing. Your asking, will he like me in the long run, like when I am 50, will he still have a fetish for younger women, that's a question for him.

3. Why have any children if things are so shaky right now?

4. Someone in the relationship does these things, it does not make one or the other a parent or child necessairly. Do you feel your roles are equal is the more important question? Does he?

5. If that is how you feel you and he should address these issues, no person is going to be perfect.

6. A lot of people do this, but you have to asks yourself if you can continue to respect him feeling that way.

Don't ask someone to change, ask yourself if you can accept them.

chrissymarie

Ok... we have a connection I have with no one else. We have exactly the same sense of humor and can talk for hours. He is my comfort. I feel so safe with him. He is extremely attractive to me and so great and considerate in bed. He has the best taste in food and teaches me something new everyday. My family loves him which is very important to me. He usually supports me 100% and helps me make the right decsions at times. He is taking care of me and tries his hardest to make sure I have everything I need and am happy. although theses are my "best years" i sometimes feel giving them to him is totally worth it for all that he can do for me. But then again there are times when I have my doubts too.

kp2171

He's your first big love, isnt he?

Lots of good in there... but being comfortable and safe isnt enough. Taking care of you isnt enough.

There are times when you write about him and it sounds like you loathe so much about him. And then this is more tender, though i think a lot of this is he is your first big love... at least thats my guess.

amIwrong

I am sure he has great qualities or you would not be with him, but the question is more about can the relationship be sustained on just the good things that you do have. Really, it's your decision and yours alone.

michellet218

Girl, this is kinda serious! It may not be enough to end the engagement, but i think it's enough to AT LEAST postpone it. Some of these are kinda serious issues. first, i'm a female, and i never see wuz wrong w/ men having sex videos. hell, i watch them with my man! lol 2)so ya'll 10 yrs apart.worrying about how ya'll gonna look when ya'll get older shouldn't even be an issue if ya'll both love each other.go beyond the looks, & don't break off an engagement jus because of how someone will LOOK when they older!! 3)he's a man, so he can have children anytime in his life.with women, we have at least until 35 maybe 40 to have children with low risk of complications. so yeah, have children, but damn, you only 20! you got bout 10+ yrs.why rush it, girl?yeah, 5 more yrs is good.he needs to understand that! Don't have the child so fast!Cuz its a handful!!! 4)WHAT??he sets all the rules? I have heard so many times that older men are controlling, and i didn't believe it until a couple yrs ago when my bf start dating a man 10yrs older than her.He is terrible when it comes to control! B4 ya'll go further u need to talk to him about how thngs need to be = between you 2.if he set some rules, you set some rules, too. no matter how old dat man is!!!how dare he. 5)and how dare he say he want to MOLD YOU???Basically he's saying he want to CHANGE YOU!!!So something about you he doesn't like.What is a"perfect wife"to him? cooking/cleaning, taking care of him??? tell him to give you a definition of a perfect wife.& if it's like i said just now, you let his a** know, you ain't down with wat they did in the 1950's. Because of that, you need to think twice about marrying him now. ya'll need to talk all these things over again and again and then get married once both of ya'll got a full understanding. 6)with #6, i'm sorry to say, but basically that's what they call a hypocryt.he needs to understand what being a true christian is.living in sin isn't a true christian life. Please don't get mad wit the advice i'm giving you, but i'm just keeping it real. you need to know the truth about this situation. Please open your eyes and reconsider this engagement, at least until yall talked about these problems.he needs to know that he's wrong w/ what he trying to do, and you shouldn't follow up wit him. love is blind, and it'll take over your mind. it'll make you not see things that's right in front of you. you must realize that some of thse aren't normal, and not acceptable! please talk to him. don't let it go on until he understands. this could mess up a marriage, so get it straightened out now.please!!
P.s. try going to church with him, because not having God in your life is a terrible thing to do. God will help you mentally and physically, so give church a try! :-)