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My husband and I have been married a year. His grown children live with his ex-wife while they are attending college. He visits them several times a year and the trip is a 13 hour drive from our home. Before he leaves, he always says he will be staying at a motel and will call me to tell me where. Once he gets there, he doesn't call and after a couple of days he calls to let me know he's staying with his "children". I've asked him many times to stay at a motel out of respect for our marriage. His children won't call our home. They will call his cellphone but are rude if I answer. He prefers that I am quiet when he speaks to them. He continues to send half of what he makes to his ex for her house payment. I'm confused and I love him but he tells me I'm paranoid. His ex would call before we were married and tell me explicitly what they would do when I wasn't around but he assured me she was lying. I'm confused and I love him. Would someone give me some insight and grounding?
that's an unusual arrangement and not one that I would personally agree to.
Did you know about this before you were married?
My boyfriend and I have discussed a lot of things, including our financial arrangements should we ever get married. This is more to reassure ourselves as we continue to getting to know each other ~ in fact, we're both a little edgy at the moment.
Nonetheless, we have said that if anything were to happen to me, my family home would be left to my children and this would always be protected. Likewise, his home and wealth is set-up to take care of his children. Should we ever marry, anything we build together, such as a house, would be owned jointly and its value split according to each individual's contribution in the event of separating or death. Neither of our ex's is entitled to a share of our current or ongoing wealth, as divorce settlement has already been finalised.
He pays a generous maintenance (which is only right) and has made allowances that if anything were to happen to him before his youngest child turns 18, that the children would continue to receive an allowance equivalent to the child maintenance he now pays. Nothing will be left to his ex wife as she is responsible for her own financial planning, and especially in their case since she received a generous divorce settlement that should have seen her right. By the same token, she is the mother of his children, and I wouldn't want to think he would let her vanquish if things turned difficult for her in any way, so I would at least remain partly open to this possibility, without letting anyone else take over control of my life, or marriage.
They have a fairly good relationship and we're all comfortable being together at his children's birthday parties and other celebrations. I've been really glad for this fact.
Ideally, you should be able to discuss your financial arrangements with your husband in a transparent and trusting way, ensuring a mutually agreeable distribution of your common wealth. If he can't do this, then I would seriously question some core foundations of your marriage. But that's just me.
Part of the reason my previous marriage ended was my partner's inability to do this ~ which was just part of bigger problems we had in our marriage. Similar principle though: emotional and financial transparency and trust are vital to a healthy relationship.
It seems as if you're being jostled about by your husband's family and haven't been able to think too straight... yes?
You married into this. Until the kids are through with college and his alimony commitments end, you have no say in it. At all. None.
Be sure you understand this because it sounds wrong and unfair, but it is reality. Where his family is concerned, butt out. Love him enough to leave his FIRST responsibilities out of your relationship. Completely out.
And as for his lack of straighforwardness, you may be contributing to that behavior. If he feels including you in all the specifics of these trips will lead to disagreement, he will avoid telling you. He will omit, he will hedge, he may even outright lie.
All of that is TOTALLY understandable since his kids come first, his ex-wife still has some say in his life, and he LOVES you and wants to keep things as simple as he can with you. You have to help him with that, though.
Again, leave him alone regarding his family. Trust him, act like you trust him. Support him and his familial decisions. Remember your place is after a lot of his pre-existing responsibilities...but you come FIRST after them. And you knew all this before, so it's all OK.
is his ex wife actually at home when he goes to see his children and stays with them? Or does she take the opportunity to have time to herself? If he is just with his children, then that's a totally different situation.
You have been married a year, but how long had you been dating? This seems like and old arrangement, and I think you knew what was what when you married him. JB is correct as this is his situation to handle, and yours to cope with. Staying out of it is the best course as any changes you suggest would be looked upon as interference, or jealousy and control. Neither is right. Back away and leave it to him to deal with. Your resentments are better handled by focusing on you, and what your doing. Be more proactive in your own business, and leave his family obligations and his ex, ALONE. Do what makes you happy and don't dwell on his past.
Couples in your situation are often stressed financially and emotionally because of previous marital obligations. You can actively think about this and collect information and resources on how other couples in your circumstances have managed and improved both their finances and relationships.
Talk with people who are willing to listen to you and help you come up with a range of constructive ideas on different ways of approaching your situation. Learning how to communicate better within the context of a step family environment as well as developing negotiation and financial skills, are ways you can be proactive that will give you a lot more confidence in knowing how to manage and improve your overall circumstances. Once you're satisfied you've been listened to properly and the arrangements etc are reasonably okay in your mind, then the jealousies and anxieties will ease. IMHO.
PS: just for now, I'd recommend you let your husband speak with his children on the phone without being interrupted or having you listening in on their conversation ~ or interrogating him afterwards
Sounds like everyone thinks you are butting in on something that is none of your business...trying to pry into his conversations with his kids or telling him when/where/how to spend time with them isn't your business BUT knowing where your husband is sleeping when he isn't at home with you is your business!
This may have been a arrangement made before he married you and obviously you were okay with it b/c you still pursued the relationship, I think if you just want to be told what's going on (doesn't mean including/inviting yourself etc.) your husband should gladly tell you as much as possible...he's forever tied to his children but you are his wife and despite what everyone else thinks You are First as his life partner and closest ally IMO!
Try not to allow his tendency to omit the truth and make this situation private drive you to paranoia have some conversations about honesty.
As I pointed out earlier, his attempt to avoid unhelpful confrontations with his current wife is probably leading to some of this subterfuge.
Once she has successfully signaled to him that she is not infringing on his pre-family obligations or decisions in any way, they develop an even fuller open dialog (as needed, keep it to a minimum) on the issues themselves. When he is confident and secure that she no longer feels threatened by the time/money obligations, my bet is that his communications with her during the trips and forthright providing of specifics with will increase as well.
I don't mind at all that my husband pays the house payment for his ex while his kids are in college. I didn't know about it when we were dating. He lied to me about the amount but I don't even care about that. I can take care of myself and wouldn't expect him to do so. It does bother me that his kids can't hear my voice in the background while he is talking to them on the phone. If I'm talking to my grown children, he would rather we were quiet if his children call. His kids are 23 and 21. His oldest goes to college and is moving away. Neither of his children work. His youngest doesn't drive so it's causing some complications. I've emailed his children (because they won't speak to me) and explained to them I want happiness for them and for their dad. I have offered to make arrangements for them to spend a week vacation somewhere else. I told them I wouldn't be around but I know how much their dad loves them and I felt it would be good for all of them. I've even gotten loans to compensate for the money that my husband has unexpectedly spent on surprise gifts for them. He often lies to me about doing this and I realize the money isn't there when I pay bills. I've tried as hard as I know how to in order to give them space and leave the relationship alone. What bothers me is that my husband lies to me about staying with his ex-wife and children. Once there, he won't answer my phone calls or return them. His ex-wife stays at the house while he is there. She often calls him crying because something in her day has upset her. I am overwhelmed and confused. I am trying to be respectful and loving to my husband but I'm feeling somewhat lost. I appreciate all the posts. I do need an answer, even if it's not what I want to hear, as long as it clears my head. Thanks!
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