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This is the third time i've caught my husband messaging or msning other women. the first was on msn i walked in on him on the computer and he turned it off but i saw that he was on msn with a woman. The second time i was on msn and this same woman logged in and talked to me thinking i was him i pretended i was and stayed on line with her the third time was i found a text message that he'd sent to a woman at ten in the evening saying "hi what's up i'm off to bed!!" anyway when i confronted him he went very red in the face and insisted that she worked with him and they'd been friends for ten years - when i pointed out that if she was a friend how come he'd absolutely never mentioned her he admitted that she worked at one of his companies other offices (which btw hasn't been opened for ten years) - anyway everytime i push him into a corner with statements that prove he's lying he backs down. His apologies and excuses have always been the same "i didn't think before i sent her the messages and i'm sorry i promise never to do it again, please forgive me let's forget it ever happened, not for me but for our daughter' and now i just don't know what to do.
Welcome to AMHD.
I can totally understand your distress in this matter. I would feel the same.
At the moment all i suggest you do is accept is apology and make sure he keeps his word and STOPS chattin to this women. If (i hope not) u catch him again, then u may need to take this further, however for the time being be patient and see how it goes. He should comprehend the fact that you are hurt by this.
If this does carry on i would suggest marriage councelling.
There are good chances he will do this again. You do not say what the mesages entail - are they relatively harmless messages or are they more of a sexual nature? By confronting him you have let him know that this is unacceptable behavior and that he needs to change. I don't like that he brought your daughter in the discussion - as if to hold your daughter out as a shield for his behavior. So that says that he wants you to stay, to put up with him, for the sake of your child.
You can discuss going to a marriage counselor with or without him. Encourage him to get help. You can stand firm on that and say that you would consider all your options also. IF he values his real life family more than his online female friends, he will make the decent effort and do the right thing.
It is easy to become sucked into online male-female relationships. Net addiction - there are special counselors for that. I hope your husband has not developed that and this is a good time to address the problem.
If you do want to put up with his behavior, tell him. Make plans of your own - the worst case scenario kind of thing - and be prepared to follow through on what you say.
The best case scenario here is that when you bring up counseling, your husband agrees and you both go and learn how to get your marriage back on track. I truly hope that does work that way for you. Best of luck.
always kind of sexual and mostly flirtation - the msn time she actually made sure it was him when she talked to me and then passed a comment about when they went for a drink and also at one point told me (thinking i was him) did your wife wake up? she obviously had been talking to him previously while i was sleeping. We have previously been to counselling but he's done it again
we have been to counselling previously but it has obviously not worked - do you really think i should risk accepting his apology? i'm not sure if i can trust him again
That is a tough one. Even after counseling he persists. I do hope you have continued in the counseling, as you can do for yourself. You cannot make your husband change. He has broken the trust you have placed in him. More than once. However, you can accept his apology now. There is the chance he is sincere this time. But he would have to know that you would be more watchful and less likely to believe any made up story he might give up about his messaging. He is the only one who can change his behavior. Maybe this is his wake up call, for real, this time. For the sake of you and your daughter, I hope so.
But, as I said before, make a plan of action and be prepared to follow through. Even if that means leaving him, even if for a short separation.
thanks i'll speak to him tonight and let you know - unfortunately we did not continue with counselling but i will definitely insist that we start going again
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