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It all started a few weeks ago I walked in the door to my 22 year old (I just turned 23) husband acting weird and saying we need to talk. Before I go into detail let me give you a little insight on the situation I got married to my high school sweetheart two years ago september, and we have been together for 6yrs from the beginning, and I am two months pregnant. He kept insisting on getting pregnant for months and it took me a while and I finally came around and agreed so we got pregnant. Anyway, he recently told me our relationship revolves around me and I am selfish. He said he didn't know if he still loved me and didn't think he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He thinks we need to do other things than without eachother. (which I understand that) Granted we are dependent which comes with being together for so long at such a young age. So we could stand to be more independent. So he said it would be better if I left for a while. So I went to stay with my sister. A couple of days later he calls and says he is sorry and he knows he loves me and does want to be together. A week and a half pass we talk and argue but we talk about all his thoughts, then I gradually start talking about my feelings within a few days. He freaks like I am just being selfish and I didn't even listen to him. So, he relapsed and everything is back to what he said in the beginning. He said he doesn't think he loves me. I am at my sisters house again. I love him so much and this will be my first child. I was in tears because he hasn't tried to help me throughout all the morning sickness and gets upset if I ask for anything. So I have been going through this pregnancy alone. He is also a police officer and has alot of stress in the workplace. He has only been on for 8 months or so. I have never seen this side of him. Please help! P.S We are young and have alot of responsibility We own a house and are married and trying to start a family. But it seemed like we were ready what happened?
I want to start by saying I am no expert in this area but I have a little experience being married for 4 years. I am not going to necessarily give a solution as it is more of just ideas to see what might be happening. First of all, everything does revolve around you, why? because you are pregnant.
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I was in tears because he hasn't tried to help me throughout all the morning sickness and gets upset if I ask for anything.
He needs to help you more. He needs to be more concerned about the baby's health than his own needs. If he was doing this, it'll comfort you more so you can rely on him and possibly be more attentive to him. You need to fulfill each other's needs to the best of abilities. It maybe less than before but you have to try to do this.
Second of all, I can see where he might be coming from since you say you to were always dependant on each other. Now all of a sudden you are focussed on your pregnancy. I think this is normal. I can say when my wife got pregnant the first time it seemed that I was second best. I knew that wasn't the case but she was less attentive to me and I was feeling a little neglected. He may be feeling this way (or maybe not). We talked about it and worked it through. We have a second child 18 months apart and let me tell you it is no picnic.
I am not sure what living away from each other is going to prove at this point. If he was feeling smothered that is one thing. It sounds to me like he is jealous of your attention on the baby. You need to have a long talk with him.
Maybe take a moment and listen to what he has to say. Then acknowledge what he said and let him know your feelings. Better yet, write each other a list. One thing on that list should be the things you adore about each other. Another thing would be to write down your needs. How are each other going to know each other's needs unless you tell them? No one is a mind reader. There doesn't seem to be communication between the two of you. I wil leave it at that and let the others repsond. I hope this helped and I didn't ramble to much.
He questions his love for you, which signifies a few things; however, get the facts before jumping to conclusions. Take notice of his partner's lifestyle, is his partner a faithful man or one that lives vicariously. I say this because there is a Code of Conduct, official men find themselves looped up in. The inability to stand apart from such a Brotherhood, the pressure is great; which takes a Man's man to withstand without losing the respect of his peers. As I read your post, the first thing that comes to mind, have you asked your husband his meaning of saying he does not think he loves you. In his mind, he may feel that surrendering to the Code of Conduct for the men in blue somehow reflects his love for you, because if he loved you, he would not have bowed down under the pressure. I strongly believe that your husband is feeling guilty; He does not want to cause you any pain; however, he is not quite sure how to approach you about the subject. I know that you are in delicate condition, but you need to be strong, resilent and forgiving. He will reveal the source of his discontent, the agony of his actions is weighing heavy on his soul. He is not the type of man that can live in such a state for too long, he needs to release his burden, in order to feel good about himself once more; however, he does not want to sacrifice your love, care and support. If it is in you, create a safe place, an environment that will allow your husband to bear his soul without facing rejection or judgment from you. You are a strong individual, utopia would bear witness that you face this not; however, it has been deemed your portion and you are bigger than this; just remember, this does not have to signify the end, if anything...love should cover the multitude of his sin. Your lovingkindness has the power to make him think before he acts. The initial problem, he did not think of his actions; and once the performance was over, he realized just how much you meant to him. No need to confront him, he will openly confess his indiscretion. You are so prepared...just like breaking a femur or pelvic bone, the adhesiveness gained fortifies a life time of strength. It is in you to forgive, let not others who have very little to do with your happiness, marriage, security come between the love you hold for him. He is not the cheating kind, he just got caught up in way over his head, but wisdom has taught him to just say "NO".
I wasn't able to rate shenda's post but I do agree. I didn't know how to come out and say this or wanted you to jump to any conclusions. I am glad this was brought up. An addition to the talking to each other part is another idea to agree to set a timer up and one of you says what they have to say. Before the other one can say anyting they must repeat what the other has said. Each one do that before the timer goes off. This way you each gets to speak and each one hears the other and hopefully no arguments. Like shenda say, it will be revealed if he is feeling guilty.
Hi,
I am so sorry to read this. I hope I can help, in some small way. First, here are some facts:
The Police Officer Profession has one of the highest Divorce Rates in America; due to stress, long working hours, overtime, etc.
Over half of the marriages now in the US end in Divorce. If one makes it for 7 yrs, on an average, the marriage has a better chance.
My first marriage was at 24 yrs old, she 20. It lasted 7 yrs, with two small boys. It ended in divorce, and I though my "world" had ended. Later, after 2yrs, I remarried. I am now 63 yrs old, been married 28 yrs to a wonderful woman!
Needless to say, your marriage is in trouble. I would first trying getting him to go with you to a professional Marriage Counselor. Hopefully, he will go with you. There isn't much need for you going by yourself! He is the one with the problems, whether it's stress, or just simply wanting out of a marriage.
You are very lucky you have someone to stay with, and help you.
I know the responsibilities of owning a home, children, etc, are a dream, and of having a good marriage. But, it might not happen with him.
If things don't get better, you really need to see a lawyer, and explain it all. You need to have Separation Papers drawn up by a lawyer, if things don't get better. Also, talking with someone about this, face-to-face, might help you; such as a Clergyman, some type of counselor, in helping you accept what might end up as divorce.
I do sincerely wish you the best, and hang in there. Asking your questions here is a good start, at realizing there are problems. The sooner you make some decisions, the better off things will be for you.
To add a few updates and happenings to my story after the first time he told me these feelings and he wanted me to leave I was gone for 2 days before he called me telling me he was sorry and resinded the feelings. Within those two days I talked to our closest friends and family (the few that knew) they said this wasn't him and he was just out there. I also talked to our pastor which has been there for me times before in other situations and I pretty much had the same responses I have had. He called my husband and after my husband had talked to him he is upset at my pastor and some of the responses he has received. People that know him and I everyone has always thought of us as a perfect match, and they are concerned about my feelings and me and don't quite give him the attention to his feelings he deserves. I have tried to talk about counseling and got a definite no. And a week and a half later he wanted me to leave again. So what else could I do? To add another situation to the story one of his friends had been staying with us for about a month. And he's pretty much put himself as far in the hole as possible (no credit previous drug problem and no establishment and no car). I didn't think he was as respectful as he should have been to us. So I would say things to my husband about him being dirty and we had pretty much lost our privacy and time together (he works overnight 4 nights of the week.) In those 3 nights it was our time and he would be staying up playing video games or whatever rather than being with me. After try after try to tell my husband he needed to go he finally told him he had to leave. This guy pretty much did what he wanted before and always stayed with someone for a while. My husband wanted to help with all his problems but eventually we had a situation ourselves. I don't mind sometimes but right before I remember feeling neglected. We had shared our feelings he has not told me all but I have asked and asked and he is in his own world and has to come back to me. I feel unfortunately, like I have to give him space and let him want me again on his own, he doesn't want me home. I don't think I should keep going to him. Like I would be making it worse right now. Oh, but I want to. I love him more than ever. I need his respect and want as well as his love.
I think he feels like I am so desperate and always there because I have been fighting for our marriage and trying everything. Should I go to him again?
This is all on his terms. You get him as long as he is in control. He only wants you when he feels like it - any other time he is not bothered. Don't let him ruin your life. You have tried your best to make things work and you have done all you can and he is not co-operating. This is no way for a marriage; and he sounds like a lost cause.
Get out while you can and get your life back - it's very hard to do - but in the long run you will be much happier and in time you will come to see that he is no good for you.
P.S We are young and have alot of responsibility We own a house and are married and trying to start a family. But it seemed like we were ready what happened?
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