Ask Me Help Desk - Suspicious husband

I have been married for 26 years, 3 kids grown. My problem is that my husband has always been very jealous of other men to the point that I don't talk to other men unless it is absolutely necessary. It is a genetic thing I think because his father was the same and ended up in a psychiatric institution before he died. I absolutely love him to pieces and we mostly have a wonderful life however, there are times when I wonder why I put myself through the misery he causes. I have been on meds for depression for about 12 years, since we had a big blow up. He has accused me many times, not of cheating but of paying too much attention to someone else or planning to cheat. I have to be very careful if my daughters boyfriends are at the house that we are not alone, in fact it can be exhausting worrying all the time if I am doing the right thing. I have thought of talking to his Dr who is quite approachable, because I can see the pain and confusion in his eyes. I know it stems from the insecurity he had as a child and I feel that it is fixable. The last thing I would do is leave. I have been concentrating on myself with behaviour therapy, hoping I can learn to deal with the situation a little better. When we do have a fight it sends me into a spiralling depression that takes days to recover from. He then apologises because he knows he has caused it. It's like one half of him is fighting the other half. I now am running my own business so I have to stay focused and it seems to keep me going. Before I had the business I would spend days in bed not able to do much at all.
He is very shy, hates crowds and lots of people. I am outgoing, friendly, and find it easy to talk to people. He doesn't. I have never cheated, or even thought about it. All I want is a peaceful life, for him to love me as I love him, to trust me as I trust him. I know he is terrified of losing me and that is what drives this paranoia. What are your thoughts?:(

He needs to be evaluated for bipolar as a lot of bipolars are like that. This is very hard to properly diagnose properly though. Most men display symptoms later in life versus teenagers, etc. You didn't say what kind of dr he is going to, but yes, that is a good place to start as well as dr needs to help. You kind of hit it on the head when you said one half is fighting the other half. Precisely what goes on inside a bipolar's head. Most times they do not understand themselves either for that matter or why they do things either. You must be very very reassuging to him at all times also. I know it sounds dumb to be his mama too, but if that's what works, keep it up. Kids are gone and now he needs your attention more than ever.

You wrote: "I absolutely love him to pieces and we mostly have a wonderful life." Just curious, what are one or two things that your husband does for you that you absolutely love him to pieces?

He has totally renovated an old building so I could open my own business. Our home and garden are immacuate because of the hours of work he puts into it. He has worked all our married life so that we could live comfortably while I stayed at home with the kids. Now he is happy for me to fulfil my dream of running my own business doing something I love. But he is finding it hard after the first 12 months that I am not home on weekends because I am at work. He says he misses my company because we have always spent a lot of time together and he says he feels lost without me.

My thoughts are that he is dealing with a mental health issue, and needs some serious help. You are letting your own health suffer, and you are changing yourself (behavior therapy) to try to keep peace in the relationship. Those are not good signs at all, IMO.

Quote:

Originally Posted by devotedbutdepressed

He has totally renovated an old building so I could open my own business. Our home and garden are immacuate because of the hours of work he puts into it. He has worked all our married life so that we could live comfortably while I stayed at home with the kids. Now he is happy for me to fulfil my dream of running my own business doing something I love. But he is finding it hard after the first 12 months that I am not home on weekends because I am at work. He says he misses my company because we have always spent a lot of time together and he says he feels lost without me.

This certainly addresses the material issues. What about the romantic part of your life? Do you want or need one? Are you lonely within your relationship?

I get what you mean, we actually have a lot of very tender moments together, dinner out or sometimes we get take away chinese and a movie if our youngest daughter is not home for the evening. We go for drives in the evening sometimes after work or just sit out under the tree and have a drink. We constantly worry about the children 25, 21 and 17 but I guess that comes with parenthood. We talk more than a lot of couples probably do but it seems difficult to get right in underneath. It's like living with two different personalities which is why I am thinking bi polar. At present things are good as we are planning a trip to visit our son we haven't seen for 12 months and do some sightseeing along the way. We have talked about a helicopter ride over the coast so I'm considering that, bit scared of that idea. It's good to get other peoples ideas on this because it isn't something you can easily talk about with friends who may become judgemental, also living in a very small town where everyone knows your business.

You wrote: "living in a very small town where everyone knows your business." I know that firsthand! You seem to have narrowed things a lot, which helps me. I have read where there is counseling for jealousy, but I have no firsthand information. Perhaps it is like anger management. The doctor you mentioned may be a good first step; twinkie mentioned that, also: "evaluated for bipolar".

You'd better pay more attention to him and make him sure that you love him honesty.