I am requesting some advice on what to do about my husband. We have been married over 4 years, together for almost eight years and have 2 wonderful boys who are 2 and 5. I am 28 years old, a professional woman who works shift-work as a nurse and am the breadwinner of the family. My problem in my marriage is that husband makes me feel guilty for having to work to support our family. I often have to sleep during the day to work that night and he chastises me for taking our kids to a babysitter. He does not help around the house at all (he believes it isn't his job and calls me a neat freak). I feel like I work 2 jobs full-time having to come home after a 12 hour shift and then clean up his messes and the kids messes from the night before (ie. laundry, bed-making, dishes etc) He can be very verbally abusive to me and in front of our kids. I will admit I am not totally innocent I sometimes dish it back cause I can't stand it anymore. He has pushed me a few times and thrown things at me so it does sometimes get physical as well. He also tries to deprieve me of sleep by trying to keep me awake when I have to work in the morning because he believes it's a good time to talk then.We have split up in the past for about 6 months when our oldest son was 18 months old because I was diagnosed with MS and he wouldn't accept that I had this disease and said that I was looking for something to be wrong with me. He thought because I don't take medication for it that I was "faking" it. (If you can believe that). We decided to pursue conselling which we had to drove 1 hour to, because my husband didn't want anyone in our small city to know the town family counsellor had his own marriage problems. He also didn't like what the counsellor had to say and said it cost too much. So after one session we didn't go back. He said he would change and after 3 years has made absolutely no effort to do so. I am tempted often to ask him to leave but I work such crazy shifts that I would have no one to care for my children. I know this is a terrible reason to stay with someone but it's the truth. My husband is an excellent father to our kids and often blames me for things they do wrong or their behavior, but because of the way he treats me in front of them I am very worried that they will end up treating women the same way. I also do not have much support where I live, no family other than his parents and sister that live close. He calls me down, says the decisions I make and aspirations I have, are unrealistic because he might have to work harder by looking after our kids while I go back to school so I won't have to work shiftwork anymore. I am really not sure if I love him either. He can be a great guy sometimes but has a Jekyl and Hyde personality and likes to control everything I do, who I hang out with etc. I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Any advice for me?

N0help4u

Since he is so down on you about you working tell him you will gladly quit if he can come up with a reasonable budget that allows you to be able to quit and still afford your cost of living.

simoneaugie

A lot of thoughts have been written on this subject. If he does indeed feel "inadequate" perhaps that is because he is.

Like I said before, he is being a jerk. Not only that, he's acting like a child who manipulates and abuses his mother, you. Quit playing his game. Demand that he pick up the house several times daily, and put his video game aside long enough to wash his own clothes, wipe up his own pee, prepare dinner and do the dishes too.

What is twisted is that overworked women write to sites like this one wondering if they are somehow doing something wrong. Don't doubt yourself. Do not let his verbal agression weaken your self-confidence. If this man was your 13-year-old son he would be punished for such behavior. You really can't punish him, you can only take away his free ride.

0rphan

There are lots of issues here.....was it a joint descision that you would be the bread winner or was is just the fact that you could earn more than your husband, maybe he didn't have a job to start with!! you don't say what he does so i'm assuming that he cares for the kids!!

I think he is carrying a lot of guilt.. the fact that the woman is the provider which of course is not how it was meant to be...some men would say.

This in itself would make him feel very inadequite, not only as a man but also as a husband and father, however this is not a reason to behave in the manner in which he does towards you, but if you think about it along these lines it is understandable.

I am sorry that you have been diagnosed with MS, my sister has it, so i do know how it can affect some people in differant ways, his reaction was one of fear and sheer disbelieve, something else that will add to his guilt, simply dismissing it rather than face the truth.

HE has taken on the womans roll, which obviously is not working, his behaviour..verbal abuse, throwing things, laziness, totally unreasonable behaviour that the whole family can no longer accept, therefore something has to change...he is rebelling just like a infant who does not want to do something.

If you want quality of life for yourself and your family then it maybe your rolls will have to reverse, if only for a short time.

You say your self that, you would ask him to leave, but there would be no one to have the kids and that you work crazy shifts.....think about that statement for a moment....
You look upon him as a housekeeper/ childminder, not the man you would like to get an earley night with, could it be that this is how you treat him at the end of each shift!!
Do you constantly remind him that you are the bread winner?

I don't think you need councillers you just need some basic understanding of what makes the whole family happy, ask yourselves what will work for us, even if it means a few changes to our lives, surely it has to be worth it.

Find a baby sitter,for when you will both be free, go out just the two of you, relax and clear the air, be prepared yourself to make changes if that is what will keep the family together and happy.

Give each other time to speak and voice their opinion..above all listen to each other