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My husband of 30 years has fantazied with every woman he comes in contact with, even as we are together. He sneaks winks, touchs and speical connections with any woman, regardless if he knows her or not. It seems to be a challenge to see if he can get them to respond. When we are in public he is constantly browsing for a woman. It is his sneaky nature that nauseates me. No telling how he acts when I am not present. I never travel with him anywhere because his energies are so overwhelmed with the possibilities that it is like I am not even there...not a fun guy, but he sure thinks he is Don Juan!
Sorry, I needed to vent... just wondering how to psycologically remove myself from this irritating situation. It has a serious affect on my attraction to him and that is not good for our relationship. I lack respect for him when he is so sneaky and foolish! I guess I need to know how to overlook this habit.
No problem, I just wasn't sure what you needed. I am in awe that you have been able to tolerate this for 30 years. I can't imagine. I really don't know what you can do. He is being really disrespectful and needs to know how hurt and bothered you are by his actions. I can understand you not being attracted to him because of this, as it would be a complete turn off for myself.
Besides marriage counselling I don't know what else is possible. What would his reaction be if you acted the same way? Have you ever tried? It might make him see how it feels. I know that is probably the immature thing to do but it might open his eyes.
Do you know what he gets out of it? He keeps doing it for a reason. You could really embarrass him and I'm sure it would stop cold turkey. You could respond in public with a loud remark like "why don't you bring her home for us?" or "would you like me to go and ask her out for you?" I may be way out to lunch here but I really wouldn't tolerate these actions. It is a little fun to think about doing it anyway.
I can appreciate the strange situation you are in but pease bear in mind I am not a doctor, nor should a doctor on a website take the place of your real doctor.
It may ease your mind to realise this may or may not be within his ability to control and I would personally want that to be established first. Compulsive flirting is an entirely different problem than simply an insensitive spouse.
As you suggested, it would be very interesting to know what he does when you aren't there... is there anyone you could discreetly ask about that?
Also, has he done this a long time and at the same rate of intensity, apart from the fact that it increases when you travel (which may be a reaction to the stress more than anything)?
And for the obvious question, have you tried talking to him about it?
The reason I am asking all this is because what you are describing sounds similar to behaviors found in delusional disorders, which is cause for talking to his doctor about it.
Although some might argue that acting out a mild delusion hardly makes for a mental illness (just look that the movie "Don Juan De Marcos") losing track of the line between fantasy and reality might be.
And it is something that is making you uncomfortable. It would me too.
reverse the situation....time for you to have some fun....see what he does then and tell him if it bothers him that much how do you think you like it after 30yrs...
my dear,
first of all, you state yourself that he has no respect for you. beside this intolerable behavior, is he being disrespectful in any other ways?
my guess is, he is.
respect is something you must have in any relationship, a marriage can't do without it.
you haven't mentioned if you ever discussed it with him, but even if you haven't, he must know how you feel, because you can't hide such strong resentful feelings - they'll show through your expression, through your body language, through your voice intonations.
he might find this a way to annoy you, and by this he feels he has a power over you.
i don't think you should deal with the question of why he's doing it - if it'd because of a delusional prob;em, he badly needs care.
but: you can't make him do anything about himself if he doesn't want to.
the only thing you can do, is understand why you've put up with it, and how can you change yourself so as to stop this.
it doesn't really matter so much what he does behind your back: the issue here is that he makes you suffer,and there's no reason under the sky for you to go on taking this in.
you must take care of yourself and stop this suffering. for this you'll need a very good counselling help.
remember that people change only if they really suffer the way they are - you can't change him, and if he doesn't suffer, he won't even think about changing.
please write again,
and take really good care of yourself - your feelings are your first priority,
millie
Hi, frebeckil,
Is this the only thing in your 30 yrs of marriage that bothers you??
I've been married now for 29 yrs to a wonderful woman (the second marriage for both of us).
I personally still look at a pretty woman, am not dead yet! I am 64.
Looking is normal, but that's all there is to it. Ever thought your husband might be cheating on you? Actually having an affair?
I seriously doubt it. He is trying to prove something to himself; that he is still attractive to others. I know he shouldn't be going to these "extremes", but if this is all you have in your long marriage that bothers you, I would try overlooking it.
I think your marriage is "stable" enough, at this point, that you don't have to worry about him actually "following through" with any of his Don Juan approach. If you have talked with him about it, and he still does it, then you can either just accept him the way he is, or keep worrying about it. "Worry" only makes for more worry, and more "nauseas" feelings.
Best wishes.
WOW!! I really appreciate all the responses and it is amazing how every single response hit on exactly my thoughts! The most benefit I have recieved from all of you is to assure me I am not totally crazy....I already know I am very insecure.
In response, yes, I am a communicator by nature and have talked this and explained in various forms how much all this has always bothered me. He more then knows and I do not think he is doing it to bother me because of his sneaky nature. He just gets caught once in awhile. No, he is a peace lover, he would much rather get away with it. I realize it is a strong need for him and have tried to overlook it by saying it helps him feel better about himself. That is the delusional part, he thinks he is attractive to all women. His flirting has had different degrees of seriousness through the years. No, Fredg, this is not the only problems we have had...do you consider lying for the best part of 25 years a marital problem???? In the last few years with us having serious problems with his dishonesty and sneakiness he finally did resolve to work on his lying and I do give him credit, he has done very good. It was a lifestyle for him and I believe in impeccable honsesty so we were not matched in heaven!! Do you consider "looking" at a pretty woman the same as making eye contact, smiling, saying hello and brushing against them if he is so lucky? I came to a point where I simply asked him to refrain when I was with him, because I feel embarrased and put down for another woman....yes, I know I am too dependent on him for my self esteem and that is where I agree with Tommyp...I need to do the same and not for the reason of spite , but to make myself feel good. I have done that and it works since I am an outgoing person. I just think that in a good marriage you build each other up and you don't need outsiders to make you feel good....oh, that's in a GOOD marriage! That is kind of the solution I am taking...I am jumping out of his pool of charmed women and throwing in the towel.
I really appreciate the support from all of you and I know I cannot change anyone except myself and that has been my biggest mistake, thinking if I talked to him about it he would honor me and stop it but, I am a slow learner, 30 years of talking hasn't helped!! OK...plan B!
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