The Situation

So he cheated 5 years ago and you guys worked through it, now you're cheating. What's your question?
We don't need another book this one is confusing enough with all the switching from past to present.
Perhaps your boyfriend has been lying to you and is not leaving his wife. Maybe she found out about you like you found out about your husband's girl friend.
So is your concern your husband or your boyfriend?

Hi homegirl50 me cheating has nothing to do with what my Husband did 5 yrs ago. however my husband actions certainly pushed me in that direction. I love my husband because if what we share our children however because we got married at a very early age we've never really kinda feel into the role of what we Suppose to do as a husband and wife, mother and father etc. as for my friends

Wife she has no idea about us and their marriage was over before I even met him. However my problem is with my husband he has become very controlling,demanding and some what of a narcissists. He continuously blames me for everything if i disagree with him he become angry and tends to say mean things to me. Afterward he tells me how sorry he is and then he act as if everything is ok. He's a great provider and father but when he's angry he has a easy of making me feel guilty, he does like me hoping out with coworker or anyone for all that matters. I just don't know if am strong enough to keep this up he cont. To lower my self esteem but tells me he loves me he has never touched me physically but teens to tear me down emotionally i stick in there because of our children. this is how the other person came into the picture i have since stop seeing the other person because what was suppose to be a fling was becoming a bit more and he start telling me he love me this i know what not true because he had other female friends i ask that he so telling me that but he wouldnt well he text every now and than i still think about him constantly but I know in my great I have to focus on one issue at a time. I told thus long story to give a little incite as to where I'm coming from. Bottom line I'm unhappy in my Marriage and don't know if i want out he really is a good man but need to see a counselor about his anger management issue i ask but he refuse. I had never step out on my husband before but what feel good it's not always good for you this guy is no longer in the picture and hasn't been for several months actually other than the occasional text i do miss the attention and him but my situation is at home i now know that one for must closer before another opens i want nothing mite than to save my marriage but I'm still so unhappy

If you stay in your marriage you need to see a counselor, maybe this will help you cope with him, or if it is that bad and you are being abused, leave.
It does your kids no good to hear their father verbally and emotionally abuse their mother and to see you unhappy. You are not doing them any favors.

While things were rough at home, the children too, are suffering. You didn't mention how your situation is affecting them.

You had a little more credibility with me the first part of your post, which stated how your husband had been cheating on you, and his behaviour was less than supportive and kind, with his threats of leaving and taking the kids with him.

But, as it often happens in these types of posts, that is the buildup, or justification, for the cheating done, by the partner- you.

I see nothing to suggest that during the years things were not going well, that there were serious attempts at working through difficulties, and learning how to trust again, and not a mention of how repairing damage to the marriage, would go a long way in the emotional health of your children.

Things have not become better from what I read, anywhere along the line, and probably prior to him having the first affair. You say that he paved the way for your affair, and he would probably say the same about you.

So, let's say you're both right. Both of you allowed the marriage to deterriorate to a point where other parties are involved. Where did that get you...........

The lying, cheating, arguing, now verbal abuse thrown in the mix- are you actually seeking help in repairing your marriage? Is he willing to take responsibility for his actions, and you for yours, without blaming the other? Is it possible to work through this mess?

Does it really matter, when all the explanations for why and who did what to what, are explained and justified?

What's next. What do you want, and what does he want.

Maybe a post putting more information out to say what you expect here, and what you and him are willing to do to save the marriage.

You make it sound like it's over - is it?

Jake2008 you bring up some great points and a really important question...are we over??? I actually haven't really thought about it let me think about this for a moment and i well respond to your post...wow thanks!

It hadn't affected them a much but i have seen a change in the middle child

Anytime there is friction in the home, the children feel it and are affected by it.

This is address to homegirl 50 and Jake2008 as while as other but homegirl50 to answer your questions and share more insight

This is true. While after I replied last night I laid in bed last night just thinking about your questions as to how has it affected our children. If it has its really not showing... however, the oldest thats at home shes 18 will be 19 next month..... she ask me all the time "mom, why do you continue to put up with this flip flopping relationship as strong as you are". She said mom I look up to you and you tell me all the time how not to let a man or companion disrespect you any anyway and now you're not taking your own advise".

I hear her loud and clear however, she still is young and have not yet experience a real relationship and things women/mother's have to endure in order to keep the family together she don't quite understand (of course excluding physical violence). I don't want to write a novel but I do want to point out some things that people might not understand... shooo I sometime get confused I would to point out what I think makes my marriage worth saving. My spouse is a great provider, there is nothing that he probably wouldn't do to see to it that we get what we need as well as what we want. However, there lays a deeper root to this issues now I'm a neutral person and I understand there is two side to a story with one not being better than the other is the two does not intertwine.

The issue I think that we have... or to be fair I have is I feel that it is a one way relationship/marriage. He give me what I need and want and thats it!... However, as a woman I miss being around friends and just having some me time since we've been married I got rid of all of my friends male and female, I have no family here where we live and when I try to make friends but everybody that becomes an associate I can't go out with them or over to there home or even our home for that matter. Example I went out with a girlfriend of my while an associate because we had met while we were working on a project. We went out to one of the local restaurants and had one cocktail ( mind you not the rest. was exactly .75 - 1 miles away from our home). He knew I was going by the time I got to the restaurant door I got a text asking " I hope you're having a good time" I replied while I just got here we're waiting to be seated... his reply back " I hope you're having a good time spending my money while I'm at work busting my ". This is one of many example I can give you but this happens ALL THE TIME. He never likes when I want to do something for myself, he wants to be with me 24-7. When I get off of work I get a text asking me " are you off work yet" or " Have you made it home yet" of course he knows if I'm not working over which I rarely every do I got no where else to go but home. He wants to know where I am at all times. I just feel like he is smothering me. I only do the things he wants to do just to make him happy... more so just to make sure he doesn't get upset. Now why do I want it to work because I've invested so much time into this relationship repairing it as while as my heart. I just think that no matter what relationship I get into after or if this ever end would be the same thing just a different person. Everywhere we go we get compliments as to how good we look together, his family praises him and me for keeping our family together which makes me want to try. At the end of the day I'm still left with the void I love my spouse but the question I keep asking myself is I'm I still in love with him. I think I want this marriage to work more so for the kids than me. To take this a little bit further my spouse is very well in doubt and is great in bed but I have no desire to let myself go like I want. I just don't have that fizz or desire I do it just because I feel obligated to have sex with my spouse... I do sometimes but I should be able to feel it immediately. He's handsome we're both in shape and work out on a regular basis so that we can stay physically attracted to one another and I am but when we're in bed that part is gone out of the window. I know this is a lot to take in with such LITTLE details but I hope someone can grab the just of what I may be going through. Seen our last fall out he has been NOTHING but generous, kind, nice, patient, even rubbing my feet without me asking.... pretty scare but the last falling out got VERY VERY heated. I don't want it to get to the point where he does put his hands or me. I want to go seek help and I may have to by myself because he will NOT go. I did suggest that he go see someone about his angry issues he stated he knows that he has an angry issue but other than that hes fine. Its almost like admitting that you are a alcoholic and not going to seek treatment. Here I go again writing a book maybe some day I will. LOL !!!! is it me or what I know hes a good man but he tears me down emotionally when he doesn't get his way. SIGHHHHH! I would suggest that we spend some time apart but I know he will get enraged and through things out of proportion.

SORRY FOR THE CHAPTER...LOL