[NowWhat]

Oh, startover, there are days where I love my husband, but I just don't like him very much. Some days I want to shake him and tell him to get his head out of his a$$. But, I LOVE HIM. I have always loved him. I am sure there are times where he could and would say the same thing about me.
I do think sometimes we take out our frustrations more on the people that are closest to us. We say things to them that we would never say to the outside world. Why is that? Because they know our vulnerabilites? And that we know we have to put up a front for the outside?
I know when I am being a witch. I can feel it - I have to step back and say I am sorry.
Marriage is WORK! Not fairytale.
I truly believe the for better or WORSE part of my vows. My husband had a small drug and alcohol problem a few years back. He had the best home bar in town and was proud of it. He smoked pot and I learned he was doing other things. It came to a head one night after he had a bad trip while our daughter ran a 104.0 fever. So bad, I almost called an ambulance because I did not know what was going on. The next day, I threw out ever drop of alcohol and searched his "man space" and got rid of every bit of drugs in the place. I was so afraid while doing it - but it had to be done. That afternoon, my daughter was admitted into the hospital and stayed for 2 days. When that was done, we sat down and talked. I told him that there was no way I would put up with that kind of stuff. I told him that if I had called the squad that night and they found him like that - we could have lost our daughter because of his stupidity. He is now clean and much better for it. Doing something so drastic was the best thing I could do.

I have also had to do an intervention with a family member. Not a fun thing to do. But, he was so messed up with beer that he was letting everything go. Thank God his wife stood by him because now - 3 years later, he is a productive, loving father and husband.

When it comes to drugs and such - just telling someone to stop isn't always effective - sometimes you have to take action. Like hiring a mediator and planning where your loved one is going to spend time in rehab and planning an intervention at 6am with your entire family present and ready to talk this out. It's ugly - but it is doing what is necessary to HELP the people we care about.

[startover22]

I agree completely nowwhat, I really do. Some people though are just either too selfish or just not that strong. I find it harder one day and then easier the next. I just want all of the PEOPLE OF THE WORLD TO KNOW THAT THESE FEELINGS ARE NORMAL AND TRUE!! But no grounds for divorce! Do you think they heard me? I hope so. I vowed to love my husband and he did mee too! I plan to keep being that type of person! Thanks for the long spread, I have loved everyone's take on it.

[NowWhat]

I know, I got on a soap box for a minute! :)

Marriage vows should be something like this

Do you, wife, promise to love your husband when he farts and snores all night? And do you, husband, promise to love your wife even when she has hormonal shifts each month and seems irrational for no good reason?
Do you both promise to honor each other even when you both have gained 60 pounds and seemed to let yourself go?
Do you husband, promise to take out the garbage?
Do you wife, promise to have sex even when you aren't in the mood?


My list could go on and on and on.

[startover22]

Perfect, I am actually going to write this down on a piece of paper to show my husband that me being on the computer can be a good thing!! I said yes to all of those without even knowing it. That should definitely be stated at the beginning, it might stop a lot of people who aren't very serious about their vows! Thanks Nowwhat that is too funny but more important, it is TRUE!

[Squiffy]

I think it should be harder to get married.

I got married when I was 22. My husband and I had been together for about a year, and lived together with my parents for about six months. We had got together as a fling but I very unexpectedly fell pregnant so we decided to make a proper go of a relationship, but sadly our daughter was stillborn a few months before we tied the knot. We decided to try again but found it difficult to conceive, so my dr suggested doing something to take my mind off conceiving, so we decided to get married. I was sure I loved him, and our plan worked as 4 days after the wedding I found out we were pregnant. We bought a home together, both worked hard, but soon after our second daughter was born (very premature and poorly) my husband started an affair. I found out and confronted him and he attacked me. I moved into a women's aid shelter with our daughter, who was by this time 6 months old, and I was 3 months pregnant with our son. He begged me to come back, his girlfriend had dumped him, and I wanted our marriage to work so we got back together, and though he was still hitting me, I was so desperate not to be a single mother I stayed. Our son was born, and things were OK for a few weeks, but before long I was diagnosed with severe pnd and he was off with yet another girlfriend, and then another. Each time I would beg him back because I honestly loved him, I said I could forgive him as I meant our vows and though he was just reacting to the pressures of life we were under. When our son was a year old and our daughter was 2, he beat me so bad I had to call an end to it. He begged me back but I stood my ground and said no. That was 3 and a half years ago now, and I have been with a new partner for 2 and a half years and we are still blissfully happy, never even had a row. I am divorcing my husband (absoloute due in a fortnight!) and we couldn't be happier. My ex husband is now a friend of mine, as is his new partner, and our kids have a good relationship with their father. It wasn't an easy thing to do, we had a very long period of no contact, followed by lots of fighting, before we put our past behind us. This divorce isn't painful, it wasn't hard, what we lived through before was the painful and hard part. This is the easy part now.

When does divorce become OK? For me when a couple simply can't live together without one cheating, beating or lying or fighting to the extent that it causes harm to the children. When being together is worse than being apart. Some things can be worked through, but many simply cant. I think make marriage a harder thing to do, it took me just 3 weeks and less than £100 for the wedding to take place legally, and yet to divorce has taken me a year and a load more cash! Too many couples think marriage is the easy option, think it will make their relationship stronger, I think we should educate our kids to realise that marriage may be easy to do, but it isn't so easy to maintain. It is hard work. It doesn't always work but if you don't rush into it, it may just have a better chance!

[startover22]

Oh Squiffy, thanks for posting on this thread. It makes a big difference to me to see the "bigger" picture. Thanks and happy endings!

[talaniman]

This may sound strange but even after all the good times and fun we've had, it's the hard times that keep us so close. Well I told you it would sound strange.

[startover22]

Not strange at all. Hard times make us stronger and it is easy to link yourself to someone when you go through those rough times together. It makes you proud of one another and happy to be able to help each other.

[inthebox]

I live in a "no fault " state - you don't have to have a legitamite reason to divorce.

When my wife and I separated for what I did, we went to the same lawyer for the separation agreement. He had nothing to gain by us staying together and a lot to gain handling one side of a divorce, but he told us both to calm down, think about it longer, which is what we needed to make the huge effort on both our parts to stay together.

I commend everyone here who has stuck it out through good and bad times, that is real love and courage.



Grace and Peace

[Kutie20]

Okay I like this question. I am 20 years old. I have been married for 2. People told me when I announced my engagement that all I was going to do was raise the divorce percentage. Just for that I almost did not get married. My husband and I have had a very tough first 2 years. For 1 we lived with his brother for the 2nd we lived with my parents. Not a fun thing to do. 6 months into the marriage I found out I was pregnant. A blessing. It was very hard. We did not have insurance therefore I did not get into the doctor until I was 5 months along. It was very hard. We fought like crazy. But I love him to death and I know that he would never harm me or our son. Some people after having our first 2 years would have given up already. But if you read the bible. It says the only reason for divorce is adultry.
But then there is the case of abuse. Physical mental and emotional. My sister was married to a man who seemed perfect when they were dating. 3 weeks after they were married they got in an argument and through her so violently into the wall and threatened to break her nose. Then after their son was born he beat her up so badly that she finally divorced him. In cases like this I do not think that God would want people to stay in that kind of relationship. It is not safe.

So answer to your question... Abuse and adultry... those are about it for me.

[mellea]

I guess I am one of the selfish ones, because I think if there is no love or respect left in a marriage, it should be put out of it's misery. Sometimes people just grow apart, especially after years of marriage. Not because of adultery, or abuse, or drug use... just because the love is gone. Don't you think the kids pick-up on the misery... the fake smiles... resentment... lack of communication? Is that the idea of marriage we want to set for them? I agree it is not a decision that should be made without much consideration and soul-searching, but the fact is you get one life to live... be happy!

[Megg]

I personally feel that people divorce because they become less in love with their partner. A way to stop an affair before it happens or a way to ''get away'' from their partner. I feel these people are the one's who weren't blessed with TRUE, REAL and HONEST love. If they were it would have lasted. I feel these people ''thought'' that it was good, but didn't look deep enough to know there were issues. Ppl don't feel like fixing their differences and making a personal change if needed. It's easier to walk away and to give up. Frankly, those people NEVER loved their partner. How could they? In the good times and bad... and that fact that they gave up sums up my point.

Now some people are physically abused. This is a really BAD situation and I truly believe in this situation and ONLY this one should a divorce be needed. If you have tried to ''fix'' the issues, but it just doesn't work and all you got to show for it is a new knot on your head.. get out out that will you! Marry a person with respect and who will treat you right.

My point, I disagree with divorce. I'm engagded and been so for 3 years. I get mad at him, I get tired of him and sure sometimes I want to go away... but I know what I have is special. I make mistakes BUT I learn from them (most times lol) and we BOTH move on. Arguments happen, disagreements sure, but you always get through it and become stronger TOGETHER because of it. To the point that those things that USED to bug you don't anymore.

I think too many people ''think'' they have a love worth marrying for. Those end up badly. How do you know that what you have is REAL? I guess you get lucky, can just tell and know it is. But this is a question not so easily answered and actually the most intersting one to ask! Good luck to everyone and their relationships. Life IS NOT worth living without a special person to live it with. :-)