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losingthebattle · Apr 18, 2007, 04:15 PM

Last September my husband and I went to see a social worker about taking his ex to court for custody of his children. He found out that he could take them that day if he wanted to. So we drove home and he went and picked up his kids and we went from a family of two with a brand new baby to a family of five with two boys aged 4 and 5. He never consulted with me about it. He never asked how I felt and how we could make it easier for me to deal with. I had hardly ever seen these kids before that and all of the sudden they were living with me. We couldn't even afford to have these kids living with us so money is very tight now. I was so unprepared and I've had a very difficult time with the boys. I hate to say it, but I don't like them. I'm angry at my husband for what happened. The worst thing about it is that I can't talk to him about how I feel. I try to tell him that I'm having a hard time and he gets very upset, telling me that I'm being selfish and that I'm the problem. I can't take it anymore. How do I discuss this with him? If we don't fix things soon, I think I'm going to have to leave. I've been so unhappy and angry. I don't know what to do. How do I talk about how I feel if he doesn't want to listen?

Rina _4 · Apr 18, 2007, 04:59 PM

First you have to talk to him about being open and honest about what how he feels and then how you feel. Keeping in mind that you should also try to understand his situation and perhaps you two may find a way to solve this situation. A marriage is something you work at and may require some adjustments on both sides. Communication is the key ingredient.

Good luck,

Fr_Chuck · Apr 18, 2007, 05:11 PM

You were with him when you went the social worker, so you had to have known what he was aringing, ( note from your post last sept my husband and I went)

And I am sorry I am going with your husband, this is his children, and he loves them ( and should love them) as much as he loves the kids he has with you. You can not make him chose, and it is selfish not to want him to have his kids with him.

Sorry but so you tighten the budget, you do without cable TV and you eat mac and cheese two nights a week.

And to be honest if you leave because he wants to be a good father, he is better off without you.

So you are unhappy about it, there is nothing to do since you have his kids there and it should be that way if he wants them. So really you need to find ways to deal with it.

letmetellu · Apr 18, 2007, 05:48 PM

Losingthe battle,, there are many different counseling services that you can go to that will help you and your husband work this out. They charge on your ability to pay so if you are really in a tight with money now I don't see that there prices would be any reason not to go. I can see where you are overwhelmed by these new additions to your family, I can also understand that part of your problem with the two new boys is the fact that you have just had a baby and even thought you don't realize it you could be suffering from postnatal depression, this should also be discussed with your Dr.
Please contact one of the helping agencies before you just decide to leave, it might be worth a try. Good Luck

nottheonlycluelesstexan · Apr 18, 2007, 06:09 PM

WOW losing... that is an UNIMAGINABLE predicament to be in. I'm torn about the answers you have received and I think I agree with PARTS of all of them:
- Communication is important but your husband has to be willing to listen and share in making things better for everyone, not just his children. You are a vital part of the family too and your happiness should be as important to him as his children's happiness.
-They ARE his kids and you promised to love him through good times and bad... To make him choose would be to dishonor the vow you made to him when you married. You really do have to find a way to deal with it or you will leave and it won't really solve anything because YOUR baby will then not have a Dad around.
-Counselling is good also but once again if your husband doesn't see it as a problem he has as much as one you have its hard to convince him to go.

Maybe you can find some kind of group or counselling for yourself. Some kind of way to help YOU deal with the situation so you don't lose yourself but gain a family. Like Al-Anon for families of alcoholics, You learn the deal with the situation even if you are the only one admitting that there is a situation.

I'm sorry Im not terribly helpful. I just wanted you to know there are people that feel your pain. My husbands kids don't live with us (THANK GOD) and I don't like them either, but they are his and to love him is to accept all who come with.

losingthebattle · Apr 18, 2007, 06:15 PM

When I went to the social worker with my husband, neither of us knew that he was going to be able to get the kids that day. He just wanted to go in and get the necessary paperwork to serve his ex. I knew that the kids would be living with us eventually but neither of us were expecting them that very day. We were both totally unprepared for it. Thank you for your input.:o I don't want my marriage to end because of my unhappiness, especially if it's something that's fixable.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 18, 2007, 07:00 PM

Anything is fixable, but it takes a lot of work, and often seems worst as it gets better.

Blending a mixed family often never gets great, and is a tag team cage match at best. ( or seems like it) We went from a family of 4 to a family of 6 overnight when my first wife died. We had a 2 bedroom home, we bought plywood and used large sheets of cardboard even and made two more bedrooms in a rough basement and added a toilet and show that I am sure violated every building code in the city.

We learned how to made make money go far, and got some free commodities and food stamps for a while with a large family and low income. * things to always check out.

We also learned all sorts of ways to save money, my kids were in their latter teens before they did not think bag day at the Goodwill was not something everyone did.

And add that when they were teens, we took in a couple extra teens who were turned out of their foster homes before they finished high school just because they turned 18 and the money for foster kids stopped, even though they were in high school still.

I learned not to question the fact that my chili dog may not have the dog in it, so the kids could have thiers.

nottheonlycluelesstexan · Apr 18, 2007, 08:29 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

anything is fixable, but it takes alot of work, and often seems worst as it gets better.

blending a mixed family often never gets great, and is a tag team cage match at best. ( or seems like it) We went from a family of 4 to a family of 6 overnight when my first wife died. We had a 2 bedroom home, we bought plywood and used large sheets of cardboard even and made two more bedrooms in a rough basement and added a toilet and show that I am sure violated every building code in the city.

We learned how to made make money go far, and got some free commodities and food stamps for a while with a large family and low income. * things to always check out.

We also learned all sorts of ways to save money, my kids were in their latter teens before they did not think bag day at the Goodwill was not something everyone did.

And add that when they were teens, we took in a couple extra teens who were turned out of thier foster homes before they finished high school just because they turned 18 and the money for foster kids stoped, even though they were in high school still.

I learned not to question the fact that my chili dog may not have the dog in it, so the kids could have thiers.

I don't know Fr Chuck... what you say is 100% on the ball but Im not sure her biggest problem is how to make ends meet but how to express her feelings of anger and concern to her husband who seems to have the "you're the problem" attitude. Yes, the money matters but in reading her initial question and the response later it seems to me that there is more than that. If my husbands kids came to live with us money would be tight but we'd manage, but if he suddenly came home with them tomorrow and said they were living with us and we hadn't even TALKED and planned for it, I would be more than a little upset! Not because the money would have to spread further but because I feel like as his partner I should have been part of the process that affects me just as much as it affects them. Not to do so is just plain inconsiderate. Yes the kids have to be there, but there is a right and a wrong way to do things and a pre-emptive conversation would have gone a long way in showing mutual respect.

I do understand what you're saying though. When I was a single parent of three I did the "Ramen Noodle Diet" more than once in a while so the kids could have the chicken and rice. I just learned to put an egg in it for protein!

vlee · Apr 19, 2007, 06:35 AM

Forgive me if I repeat anyone else's advice, I simply read the question, not the answers. My advice is family counseling. You all have to learn to blend as one group. Step-families are difficult. You have come to resent at least 2 of his children already. He is beginning to resent you for feeling like you are not supportive. I highly urge you all to attend family therapy. There you can talk about your feelings and so can he. The kids may have some things to share as well. A therapist can help you create open communication, and guide you as to how to best approach putting all the pieces together in your lives. I am afraid that if you don't try this, your marriage is doomed. As far as finances go, with that many kids, it will be tight, but not impossible. Where is their mom? Does she pay child support? Sue for it.

ScottGem · Apr 19, 2007, 06:41 AM

I have to agree with Chuck here. I really don't think you should be so angry with your ex. You obviously DID discuss his kids living with you. So you had to be prepared that it might happen. Maybe he felt that if he didn't take them when offered he might not get them at all. And since you had discussed it and he assumed you were in agreement and you love him, its not a stretch for him to assume you would be OK with it.

I do recommend counseling, but I think you need to see someone separately to resolve your anger about something you had agreed to.

losingthebattle · Apr 19, 2007, 08:12 AM

Thank you. I agree with all of you. You have offered some very good points. As to where their mother is in all of this, she has stated that she doesn't want them anymore so my husband is in the process of forcing her to pay child support. It's awful that she doesn't want to see her own kids and it makes me feel awful that I'm the new mother figure and I'm having so much difficulty with it. I'm definitely going to try counseling. I'm going to go alone first and then my husband and I will go together.

To nottheonlycluelesstexan, thank you for your support. It makes me feel a lot better knowing that you understand how I feel. :)

mogoverthemoon · Apr 20, 2007, 04:47 PM

I think that you should just get over it and realise that this is his children and that trying to put up this position that 'its them or me' is stupid. If you love him then you will stay with him, andif you don't love his kids then at least grow to tolerate them and care for them, very sorry to say it but when it comes to a parents choice between the children he brought into the world and the new partner (depending on how long you have been together) the only realistic choice he can make is too keep the children, and if he didn't choose the kids over you in the end wouldn't you in the end judge him for this and question the love he would have for the children that the two of you would have?

vlee · Apr 20, 2007, 10:04 PM

I am sure she is aware they are his kids, and it is clear he won't turn his back on them, but "Get over it" doesn't seem helpful to me. Her husband also needs to make concessions and allow time not just for his children, but also for his wife to adjust. It can't be done by one of them alone, it takes two people to make a marriage work, and this is a marriage under extreme circumstances. Most of us go into it knowing what we are going to get. While I agree she was aware he was going after his kids at some point, these may not have been the conditions under which they met and married. I also see she did go with him so must have wanted to support him. I don't think she lacks that same support in him now, I think she is finding it difficult to put these two previously separate families together. I think with a little help, and with she and her husband working together, this could turn out to be a blessing for them.

Confuzzledmonkey · Apr 20, 2007, 11:04 PM

I don't think you are putting up a its them ir its me, Youa re trying to talk to him about it and that you just weren't prepared and are confused and slightly angry.

Did you actually tell him that you didn't want them in your house or did you just say that you weren't prepared for them and that money is low. I don't really know much about this as its not happened to anybody I know, My advice is maybe to have a parents night where the kids have to stay downstairs and behave (or some punishment) and you two go upstairs and talk to each other, my parents fought quite a bit and thought about breaking up but them they introduced this and it just let them calm down after stressful work or a day at home.

momtofour · Apr 25, 2007, 01:45 PM

I think as you knew it was coming you and your husband should have thought through the financials of having them live with you for the long term.. Ya, but this is life and things never work out that way.. It was a surprise that the boys moved in that day and some time earlier than anticipated. I think it would have been a decent gesture on your husband's part to at least sit down with you and dicuss it once he went to get them or after he came home, but again, this is real life and that never happens.

You don't have to like your stepchildren in my opinion, however, you will need to team up with your husband to determine what the ground rules are going to be. They are his children and always will be and he needs to make sure that you all have a unified front on all topics regarding them or you will really resent them. Such as, who will discipline them, who will pick up after them, how do balance activities now that there are three etc.. All of these things should be discussed and laid out soon before the precendent is set.
Try to get to a couselor, the both of you, and get a professional mediator who can help you communicate what you are feeling withouth him feeling as though he is being attacked.

kanicky73 · Apr 25, 2007, 02:07 PM

I think its kind of fair to say that she knew he had kids when she married him. Yes that is true but "having kids live with you" and "having kids" is two totally different things. I think the whole subject should have been discussed way before the day they went to the social worker. Its quite obvious that wasn't completely discussed from every aspect of babysitters, who does what etc.

gypsy456 · Apr 25, 2007, 02:23 PM

You went with him to the social worker... so I wonder whether it was as completely out of the blue as it sounds... I can imagine you are not happy with the situation, but for a man to take his ex to court and try to get custody makes me think that your husband sounds like a good father... it's not a matter of liking those kids... they are 4 and 5... they need to feel emotionally safe... they are just children... how would they feel?. money tight.. well, you are married and I guess you guys have to make the best of it although it does sound hard... but there are children involved... anger does not help you nor your family... right ?

talaniman · Apr 25, 2007, 02:49 PM

The worst thing about it is that I can't talk to him about how I feel. I try to tell him that I'm having a hard time and he gets very upset, telling me that I'm being selfish and that I'm the problem. I can't take it anymore. How do I discuss this with him?

I think your husbands attitude is what is making this situation worse than it needs to be, and I know this is a very tough situation. I think eventually you will adjust, and thrive but for now it seems there is a glitch in the communications between you and him. I understand the frustration, and what you feel is a lack of support from him. I think a counselor is what you need to guide you through this process to learn how to approach you husband and get his emotional support at least. In the mean time you must deal with this, and remember to take time for yourself to unstress and let hubby watch his children while you get some you time, or involve yourself in something that allows you to vent those frustrations. While I admire him for doing the right thing by his kids, he still must do the right thing by you also.

kp2171 · Apr 25, 2007, 03:37 PM

What if the mother had died? I know... its not the case... but that's just a part of being a parent, whether you are together or not. You are responsible for your children if you are worth your weight as a parent.

I don't know why it had to be that day... I do think he should be willing to talk to you more about this... but he obviously feels he needs to be there for his kids.

He does have a responsibility to you to plan financially and emotionally so this can work... so his failure to talk to you is a problem.

So... hopefully you both can get to a place where you hear each other. Kids need their parents. Spouses need to communicate and compromise.

losingthebattle · Apr 26, 2007, 02:03 PM

Just to clarify, it was never a "it's them or me" situation. I would never ask him to choose between me and his children. You have all offered such great ideas, advice, and thoughts on the problem. What I want from him is to be more understanding of how I feel and realize that I need him just as much as these children do, and that my happiness is important too. I think that when I'm happier, we'll all be happier. I totally agree with the counseling and I am currently looking into it.

I don't want to be the "wicked witch" stepmother. I want to be a friend to these kids, someone they feel safe with and have fun with, but I also want them to know that they need to listen to me and that ignoring the rules when I'm looking after them and dad's not there is definitely not okay. So we have lots to work on. Thanks.