[dramirez]

My husband has been lying to me about talking on his cell phone with our daughter's daycare teacher. She is going through a break up and apparently has been crying on his shoulder. He states that he doesn't trust her and thinks that she has cheated on her husband, however he doesn't think she is after him and think's I'm making a big deal out of nothing. He tries to turn the tables on me when I confront him about seeing her number on his phone when he flat out said that he had not talked to her via phone. He says it's no big deal, but it makes me very uncomfortable. I have explained to him that ultimately the conversation is really not a big deal, it's the deception... is there a way to figure this out?

D

[Fr_Chuck]

Explain to him it is a big deal and he will understand it is when he is sleeping on the couch or at the motel 6 next week when you change the locks.

If you don't want this behavior, he should respect you enough to stop.

[dramirez]

Thanks for your opinion. I have explained that to him and he says that he will "take care of it"... when I ask him what he is going to do, he simply says that he will not initiate communication and will not take her calls. If she calls him, he will tell me. While I want to believe him, he has a company cell phone, so he's free to call whoever he wants and I would never have a clue. On the same token, he travels 2-3 nights a week with work, so I have a lot of time on my hands to wonder. Another large issue is the fact that his father (who is leaving his 4th wife) has been having an affair for 3yrs... there's the old apple and tree thing... ya know? Not to mention that he says and reacts to situations the same way his father has. It's amazing how many things come out of his mouth that I have also heard his father say... It's scary.

[iQuit]

Is she still your child's teacher?If so then its up to you answer his calls or confront her at the school and ask her kindly cause that's what ladys do,if she is not calling your husband with a concern about your daughter then she should not be calling at all.you see this is where the stupid husbands come along because it might just be that he gives good advise.If he does he should give himself some.

[sunshine303]

Trust your instict! And don't back down...

[jteller]

It is totally inappropriate for your child's teacher to be discussing anything personal with any parent of a student. Especially a father in regards to her relationship problems. I would first talk to the teacher and let her know that you do not want her calling either of you except in issues that affect your daughter. Then if doesn't work I would call the school and report her unprofessional behavior. If it gets to that point you may also want to consider moving your child to another room so you don't need to worry about any of this falling onto her. Anyway you need to stop it.

[april75]

It is totally inappropriate for your childs teacher to be discussing anything personal with any parent of a student. Especially a father in regards to her relationship problems. I would first talk to the teacher and let her know that you do not want her calling either of you except in issues that affect your daughter. Then if doesnt work I would call the school and report her unprofessional behavior. If it gets to that point you may also want to consider moving your child to another room so you dont need to worry about any of this falling onto her. Anyway you need to stop it.

If a man is having conversations with a female and only when you are not around then there is more to the story. Come on... if those conversations are really innocent then why are they taking place when you are not around? And you have really answered your own question because you stated that he's lied about the times that he's spoken with her... why? I would confront the teacher... when he is at the school with her.

[just sittin on the fence]

I'd tell him you are his wife you feel this is unfair private calls to his cell phone. You and his family are his priority. Turning the tables is in my opinion a sign of guilt.

[valinors_sorrow]

Frankly, I am going to swim upstream a little on this one... I would give him the opportunity to take care of it, as he has promised. You've given your shot across the bow, so to speak. Now let's see if it sinks in. I would also be prepared to give some stiff consequences to him (and him only, leave the teacher out of this-- besides what if he lied about who it is?) IF you find out he has broken his promise or lied to you again in any manner. Lying really is that bad. If he is just resorting to placating you and hiding it better, then my guess is that's just the tip of the iceberg. His betrayal will eventually surface - you need not go digging for it. Trust until further evidence appears. Then react to that, IF and WHEN you encounter it. Otherwise you are drving yourself a bit mad over imagined things, not good!

In the meantime, you both might work to improve your communication? I'll bet that your husband doesn't know how much genuine concern you have that he'll turn out just like his father. It would be a good thing to express your concern to him when this teacher business dies down. That kind of topic needs a pretty neutral context to be effectively brought up in, you know what I mean? And don't allow him to trivialise your feelings, that is disrepect and it slowly adds up to divorce for lots and lots of people. Make it clear your feelings count or there will be consequences to that. Otherwise you are training him to do that by making it work as a "solution". I insist on mutual solutions in my marriage because well, it's a partnership, isn't it?

Before my husband and I built enough trust to tell the rock bottom truth always, we used to have what we called "amnesty days" periodically, where we would clear up any falsehoods we had told without creating grave consequences. It turned out to be some pretty silly stuff, fortunately. And we eventually didn't need to do this anymore. But either of us could still call for an amnesty day, if we felt like it. Lies are the enemy of trust and intimacy and marriage without intimacy is a big big drag-- worse than roommates where there is no expectation of intimacy like that!

[mzdebb]

You are not over reacting to this situation and don't let him tell you that the problem is about you. There is no reason for them to be speaking, period. You have caught him in a lie and if there was nothing to lie about then he wouldn't be lying.
The fact that he is involved with another woman's personal issues is called an emotional affair and once your husband crosses the line from saying hello or having conversations about your daughters schooling it is unacceptable. There is a natural progression from sharing personal information to becoming sexually involved.
Above everything else you have to follow your gut feelings. Don't believe him when he says there's nothing going on, or nothing to it because allowing another woman to cry on your shoulders is something going on. It isn't your husbands job to be there for her during her difficult time. He is focusing outside of his marriage, when he should be focusing in.
If you would like further information and a deeper insight as to what to look for and then what to do go to Eons: Dabeta's Blog and read my story.