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donf · Oct 3, 2007, 04:48 PM

OK, there's forgivness which he gave. And then there's forget- Is not ever going to happen. Whether real or imagined, this fellow is still obsessing over the initial act.

What I'm saying, is that he has the obligation to work on his problems. I do not dispute that in the least. However, there is no reason why he can't say to his wife, "Please listen to me I need our help and advice because ....."

If he can't talk to his lady in safety and seek advise why are they married still?"

Synnen · Oct 3, 2007, 04:53 PM

I get what you're saying, donf, but look at it this way.

If you lied to your wife JUST ONCE and said you were going to the office and went golfing instead of to your mother-in-law's birthday party (yes, I know this is a somewhat ridiculous comparison, but lying is lying, right?), would you want to hear about it after thinking you mended the problem with her YEARS ago? And would you want her bringing it up EVERY time you said you said you were going to the office, years later, every other day? You only did it ONCE, and you thought you worked it out with her. Wouldn't you reach a point where you just didn't want to talk about it anymore?

It sounds like she's been patient, and has tried to work this out with him, but there is a point where he's obsessing, and nothing she can say will make anything better for him.

He needs to see someone qualified to deal with it, WITH his wife, if possible, but YEARS later is NOT the time to make HER deal with it again. That is just being obsessive and holding a grudge.

talaniman · Oct 4, 2007, 06:02 AM

Picking at old wounds, will not let them heal, and can cause infections. Your wife can only do so much, and when she falls short, a professional is needed.

Greg Quinn · Nov 22, 2007, 02:57 AM

I know this is an old post, but I'm sure for "husband" it seems like yesterday. This is such a part of an affair that I remember and never knew existed... The what happened? And what was said? Torment. In the end it never helps knowing, you end up not believing it and assuming it was worse. Ya get the images in your head. But you should know the facts in order to deal with them. Conundrum... You have to be sane in the head 1000 percent to allow yourself to really accept the actions and the painful thoughts without therapy. I am not that sane, I tried therapy but she restarted her affair during that. My therapist told her to open up and no secrets, Really if I knew all it wouldn't matter today, we still would never have made it. Trust was the foundation we had, with out a foundation eventually "collapse." I hope thing are going better for you.

losthusband · Nov 22, 2007, 03:34 PM

Greg,
Thanks for your late response to my question. I've received a lot of advice from other members but none that was as meaningful as yours. You know exactly where I've been from your own experiences and your comments are very real to me. My wife and I are still together after all these years and I still love her very much. Even though I never bring it up to her it is always there and I deal with it myself daily and she never knows. I still have images of them together and still feel the need to know exactly what happened between them. The reason for me is different from others. It would make their relationship seem less meaningful to her if she were willing to say I regret what I did and this happened but I want to forget about it forever. Instead it's always going to be just between them. I know I can't change what happened and know she hasn't had anything else to do with him so I know I have to forget the past and enjoy our futere life together. Again thanks and my very best to you.

NowWhat · Nov 22, 2007, 06:57 PM

My husband had an affair. It almost killed me. When I found out and it was still going on - I felt as if they were laughing at me.
When I confronted him and when I knew it was over - I needed details. Where they would meet, how far it went - everything. I NEEDED to know. Yes, it hurt to hear. But, I didn't want any secrets left.
My husband didn't want to tell me. I didn't give him much of a choice. I needed the honesty.
I can understand you wanting to know. With so much time passed, she may feel that is is finally behind you. Does she know it is not?
Do you think 100% disclosure will truly help and be the ONLY way for you to finally move on? If the answer is yes, then you owe it to yourself to be honest with your wife on how you have been feeling.

May I ask... How many years are we talking about?

donf · Nov 22, 2007, 07:27 PM

I agree that the wife here has dealt with the problem when it was originally forced on her.

What I am saying is that he needs to explain to his wife that he is dealing with obsesions and that he knows that they are unreasonable.

Would you agree with me that until these panic attacks are under control or eliminated the wound will fester and eventually rupture?

wisethinking · Nov 22, 2007, 07:54 PM

Originally Posted by losthusband

My wife had an affair years ago and I still struggle with it every day. She says nothing happened but I heard phone calls bdtween them and she met him and stayed out one night until early morning. I needed to know exactly what happened and she couldn't remember where they went and says they only talked. I want to know everything even if it hurts more. I feel that she has kept their affair just between them because she always wants to hold on to those memories. Our marriage has become a marriage of three. What should I do? Am I wrong for wanting to know what they did? I feel if she tells me then in some way it will make it less significant to her. She says she just loves me but as long as they have their secrets then he will always be in our lives.

Why are you staying in this dishonest relationship?

losthusband · Nov 22, 2007, 08:22 PM

Now,
I appreciate your response. The thing that makes this so difficult is the length of time it has been. I begged my wife to tell me what I needed to know when this happened but she refused. I spent months asking for answers but I soon realized the only choice I had was go on and try and forget the best way I could. We had young children then and I wasn't going to let this man take my sons away from me. They were mine to love and raise and I did whatever it took to keep them. People say after all this time of 21 years I should forget about it and not bring it up again. I know I can't bring it back up so I am willing to live with it for the rest of my life. I never mention it even when we are upset with each other. I am only saying I needed to know things then but never had the chance so I could deal with them. It's too late for me to get my answers and I plan to go on with my marriage and continue to love my wife. I know I can't stop the things in my mind from coming back but I can try to deal with them. Staying together after an affair can be more painful than breaking up. It's so hard to be with someone you loved and trusted with all your heart and finding out they didn't love you the same way. After I found out she never spoke to him again so I never understood why she would chance our marriage for someone she could let go of so easily. There is a lot to deal with, no one unless you've been there knows. My best to you!

wisethinking · Nov 22, 2007, 08:39 PM

Originally Posted by losthusband

Now,
I appreciate your response. The thing that makes this so difficult is the length of time it has been. I begged my wife to tell me what I needed to know when this happened but she refused. I spent months asking for answers but I soon realized the only choice I had was go on and try and forget the best way I could. We had young children then and I wasn't going to let this man take my sons away from me. They were mine to love and raise and I did whatever it took to keep them. People say after all this time of 21 years I should forget about it and not bring it up again. I know I can't bring it back up so I am willing to live with it for the rest of my life. I never mention it even when we are upset with each other. I am only saying I needed to know things then but never had the chance so I could deal with them. It's too late for me to get my answers and I plan to go on with my marriage and continue to love my wife. I know I can't stop the things in my mind from coming back but I can try to deal with them. Staying together after an affair can be more painful than breaking up. It's so hard to be with someone you loved and trusted with all your heart and finding out they didn't love you the same way. After I found out she never spoke to him again so I never understood why she would chance our marriage for someone she could let go of so easily. There is a lot to deal with, no one unless you've been there knows. My best to you!

I still don't understand why you are staying in a dishonest relationship?

NowWhat · Nov 23, 2007, 04:27 AM

An affair is so painful. Sometimes I think forgiving is the easy part - it's the forgetting that can take a long time. It hasn't been that long for me, but I still have nightmares of it happening again. When I think of the other woman, I fume. Somedays it feels like it just happened. Those feelings take time to go away.
Maybe because you didn't get full disclosure you feel like there is still something there. I don't know. But after 21 years, I would guess that your wife has moved on. She probably never thinks of this. You are giving too much power to your memories and insecurites. She may not of told you not because she wants to hold on to a memory, but she doesn't want to add any more pain to what she has already caused.
My husband realized just how much he hurt me when he walked in on me balled up in a corner crying uncontrollably. He had never seen me that way. Even though it was because of a situation he created - it was like a wake up call for him. (if that makes any sense)
I would agree with many of the posts - counseling would do a lot of good for you. I would say just do individual - but it can help you deal with these feelings that have festered all these years.

N0help4u · Nov 23, 2007, 09:28 AM

I agree with Nowwhat but want to add
You need to figure out how to put it all behind you until she gives you reason to believe she is up to her old ways.
As long as you hang on to it it will be a problem. She isn't going to tell you
And what if she did?
It might be harder because then you would have the mental images of WHAT she told you she DID to deal with on top of just knowing they were up to no good. So in the long run it would only complicate things. Accept the fact that she has been faithful since then and she still wants YOU.

maninthemiddle · Nov 23, 2007, 12:06 PM

Originally Posted by losthusband

My wife had an affair years ago and I still struggle with it every day. She says nothing happened but I heard phone calls bdtween them and she met him and stayed out one night until early morning. I needed to know exactly what happened and she couldn't remember where they went and says they only talked. I want to know everything even if it hurts more. I feel that she has kept their affair just between them because she always wants to hold on to those memories. Our marriage has become a marriage of three. What should I do? Am I wrong for wanting to know what they did? I feel if she tells me then in some way it will make it less significant to her. She says she just loves me but as long as they have their secrets then he will always be in our lives.

She has betrayed your trust no matter how you look at it. If she has apologized for the betrayal and committed to never making the mistake again and never making contact with the person again, you could accept that and move on. On the other hand, if she is still denying the betrayal, she is still not being honest and you will not be able to move on unless she comes clean.

losthusband · Nov 23, 2007, 05:06 PM

Thanks so much for all the responses. I have had several comments about marriage counseling. About eight years after my wife's affair she started spending a lot of money. She maxed out several credit cards and had loans from credit companies. I borrowed money to pay them back and she promised she wouldn't do it again. Only three days passed and she started spending again. I didn't find it out until about twelve months later. We were so much in debt with nothing to show for it. I asked her how she spent the money and she told me it was none of my business. Again I was left with no answers. Our teenage sons begged us to work things out so we tried again. Our friends advised us to see a marriage counselor so we did. I really felt good about it and just knew he could help us. I was hoping that privately we could discuss everything and he could help me forget about her affair. The first meeting he saw both of us together and we explained about the spending problem. He assured us he could help restore our marriage. Then he told me something I didn't expect to hear. He said "money was no problem what if she had turned to another man, then you would really have something to worry about". I sat there stunned and when we left I never went back. So I am not really fond of counseling. I wished I had never gone because it made things worse for me. I hope this all makes sense because I certainly don't understand it myself. So much has happened I can't believe we are still together. Thanks!

N0help4u · Nov 23, 2007, 05:17 PM

If it is your money that she expects to pay back her debts then you have every right to know where it went and why. Don't let her get any cards with your name attached to them in any way. She sounds like she is leaving you in the dark and she is not trying to make a workable marriage. I don't think I could put up with it. She is hiding more than meets the eye if she is still pulling anything.