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Annmarie963 · Jul 30, 2007, 06:11 AM

Please help me understand why my husband can't deal with the fact the he has had sex with only me. We have been together for 35 years. He says it is very very difficult. To deal with. We have not had the best marriage and still have problems. I just can't understand why he would have such issues with being with just one woman.

hettie · Jul 30, 2007, 07:49 AM

I guess it could be a silly male pride thing you know he might feel that he missed out on his youth < how old is he?> by not sowing his wild oats. Men are strange creatures but I must admit if I had slept with only one person in my life I would wonder about it as well I reckon. Not being nosey but are you his one and only? Could he be feeling insecure? I wouldn't get too bothered about it as long as he isn't planning to make up for lost time now I would tell him stop worrying about it there are millions of people in the same boat and also that if he was not your only sexual partner he is your last and that's all he needs to know

Annmarie963 · Jul 30, 2007, 08:24 AM

We are both 50 years old. It makes me insecure when he tells me I am the only one. And it bothers him very very much. It make me feel like if someone offered he would go with her. He is my only one also. It makes me feel like I have to watch everything he does. I just don't know how to deal with this n my own mind. For peace of mind.

hettie · Jul 30, 2007, 08:33 AM

Do you never wonder about it? I thik he jusrt feelimng he has the best of his years behind him now and feeling a bit sorry for himself and wonders if he missed out on thinkgs you may well fin this is not the only thing he feels he missed out on

Synnen · Jul 30, 2007, 08:34 AM

It sounds to me like there may be other issues here. Have you talked to a marriage counselor at all? They're not just for troubled marriages, you know, but to help couples when they have a problem that may be unsolvable with just the 2 of you.

Annmarie963 · Jul 30, 2007, 08:52 AM

We are having problems. We have had problems for years. He has an abusive personality. I told him to leave many times if he is unhappy but he doesn't. I even packed his things and threw him out and he came back. I told him we should go to a counselor but he will not go.
He tells me not to talk to the kids with out problems. Ages 29, 27,26 and 22. He has trouble getting along with the kids at times. I feel like I am not good enough because of his "only one woman" problem.

Synnen · Jul 30, 2007, 08:55 AM

Well, at this point, I would REALLY suggest some kind of couples counseling, either with a marriage counselor, a clergyperson, a doctor, SOMEONE.

You deserve to NOT feel bad about yourself for someone else's thoughts. If he won't go with you, go by yourself! If nothing else, it will teach you how to deal with him on an equal basis!

SnaveLeber · Jul 30, 2007, 09:01 AM

Sexual issues are only a symptom of the other complicated issues that are in the relationship. Sex is an easy target for aggrivation and argument and is usually the first thing that goes out the window when there are complications in marriage. Monogamy is not the main issue. It is only a product of years of argument, despair, aggrivation, and worry. Men tend to be less sexual when they are worrying about things.

Annmarie963 · Jul 30, 2007, 05:39 PM

When I try to talk to my husband about what is bothering me it gets very ugly. He gets mad and tells me to leave him alone. Live and let live. He threatens me to kill himself. I don't know if he is doing that to manipulate me or if he is serious. Again today he came home and we argued. He brought it up so I said I don't understand what the big deal is about only being with one woman. He said screaming it is so very very difficult to deal with. He tells me he's a mental disaster. I again told him to leave and he didn't. I know in my heart that is I had money I would go file divorce papers. But I depend on him for support. I don't work. Thank you for all you help.

SnaveLeber · Jul 30, 2007, 06:29 PM

Originally Posted by Annmarie963

When I try to talk to my husband about what is bothering me it gets very ugly. He gets mad and tells me to leave him alone. Live and let live. He threatens me to kill himself. I dont know if he is doing that to manipulate me or if he is serious. Again today he came home and we argued. He brought it up so I said I dont understand what the big deal is about only being with one woman. He said screaming it is so very very difficult to deal with. He tells me hes a mental disaster. I again told him to leave and he didnt. I know in my heart that is I had money I would go file divorce papers. But I depend on him for support. I dont work. Thank you for all you help.

I returned from peru several days ago on a mission to tell people about christ... thse people were sick and had never heard of him. But I saw a woman who was paralized for 7 years walk. The blind see. A girl who could no bend her legs for 4 years stand up, and a little boy who was limp head to toe grasped my hand after prayer.

What am I saying? Just ask and believe and it will happen.
Your husband is sick, but not hopeless.

Annmarie963 · Jul 31, 2007, 06:08 AM

Thank you for the spiritual advice. I was raised catholic. I have been taught to believe in miracles. I have tried to believe and it did not work. I am so miserable I feel like there is no where else to turn. So I guess I will put things in His hands again and pray things get better.
I can't take much more.

Synnen · Jul 31, 2007, 06:15 AM

You need to do more than just put yourself in God's hands. You NEED to get some counseling! Please, go to your church and talk to your priest. The way your husband manipulates you is WRONG. You do not need to stay and have him say the same things to you, driving you into despair, for the NEXT 50 years.

Annmarie963 · Jul 31, 2007, 07:05 AM

I was a stay at home mother for my 4 kids. I have not worked for 30 years. Other than babysitting for a few years in my home. I currently take care of my 2 year old Grandson. It would tear me apart to have someone else take care of him. So you see I am stuck is a situation that has no solutions. I depend on my husband financially. I have no family other than my kids.

Canada_Sweety · Jul 31, 2007, 07:12 AM

I'm almost 100% sure that it's a male right-of-passage thing to sleep with more then one woman. Of course, this is only suposed to be an issue until they've matured completely. As for the financial situation, where there is a will, there is ALWAYS a way... just try taking a bath and relaxing a bit or just do something for yourself. You're clearly stressed and if you're stressed then how can you care for your family. Just take a day or even a few hours for yourself and de-stress.:)

Synnen · Jul 31, 2007, 07:14 AM

Honey... just because you don't have a job, doesn't mean you are "stuck" financially.

There's this terrific thing called "Alimony" out there, meant really for people like you, who have stayed home to raise kids.

You do NOT have to stay where you are miserable. There IS help out there for you!

Look... my sister's husband was emotionally and verbally abusive. He made her feel worthless. We kept urging her to leave him, but she wouldn't. One day, he finally hit her. She took her FIVE kids and left. He's currently responsible for more in child support and alimony than my sister EVER saw in a month from him before. Do you really need to wait until the day he crosses the line far enough to hurt you physically?

I'm not saying that your husband is like my ex-brother-in-law. What I AM saying is, in the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you unhappy without your consent"

Please... at least TALK to your priest or doctor. Talking to someone isn't leaving... it's getting help with how to deal with staying, if that's what you choose.

Annmarie963 · Jul 31, 2007, 07:31 AM

He has hit me. A few months ago. I told him he had to see a counselor. He told me he went to a counselor. I over heard him say to a female friend that he went to the counselors house. She opened the door in her robe took him to her back yard where she had strawberries and cream on the table. When I questioned him about it he said she had a masters degree in counseling. Oh yeah and she was free too... I will go talk to someone. I need to decide what I want to do. If it means losing my house then I guess I will loose it. His alimony check will not cover it all and support himself. Thank you again.

Canada_Sweety · Jul 31, 2007, 07:34 AM

Good.. get out. If he hit you then that's giving you the right to leave his stupid a$$!

DodgeBlue · Jul 31, 2007, 07:56 AM

Originally Posted by Annmarie963

He has hit me. A few months ago. I told him he had to see a counselor. He told me he went to a counselor. I over heard him say to a female friend that he went to the counselors house. She opened the door in her robe took him to her back yard where she had strawberries and cream on the table. When I questioned him about it he said she had a masters degree in counseling. Oh yeah and she was free too...I will go talk to someone. I need to decide what I want to do. If it means losing my house then I guess I will loose it. His alimony check will not cover it all and support himself. Thank you again.

As far as only being with one woman, who knows. Maybe it is male pride. Maybe buddies of his started telling their sexual expoit stories when they were younger and he didn't have any to trade. . Believe me. Men tend to get set off by petty stuff like that. Do you know for certain he hasn't been with other women?
Also sometimes during midlife, some spouses at this point feel repressed
But someone brought up earlier : Does he know if you've been with other men as well sexually? Also how is the intimate relationship? Does it seem forced or are you really engaging in it because you want to? Does he seem like he's thinking about others while you're engaging in it? Sometimes men show signs during intercourse.

Ok so now you've come up with: Verbally Abusive, Alcoholic, probably two timing, AND physically abusive. To put it bluntly : How many more red flags do you need?

Question that always has to be asked with situations like these. This isn't the first time was it? Regarding the physical aspect? A lot of woman say they'll change or get themselves help for a better position in a situation like this but many never go through with their plans. My mother was like this. She always took my step dad's crap and abuse, always said she'll do something about it after a big fight or argument, then next thing you know she's making and having dinner with him,watching television together and doing his laundry, etc like nothing happened. It's like she was all bark no bite.
It really made me sick that she didn't have the... ahem, "BALLS" . Talk is cheap. Action is golden.

Is getting a job out of the question? So you start feeling independent and not have the albatross of only him making money for the both over your head. Not to generalize, but it seems most couples problems/arguments generally root to financial or money issues.