[letmwondr]

Ok, so I have been married for five months, after knowing my now husband for over four years. I thought that we had agreed that there wouldn't be porn in our house. He has always had it before me, but said that he could live without it and didn't need it. I came home from work early one day to have him run down the stairs to hide an entire backpack full of porn from me. Supposedly it was from a friend who asked him to hold it for him( I think this was true because that friend is in a custody battle and had people coming to his house) Anyway, long story short, I told my husband how much I hated the stuff and that it really hurt me to come home to him trying to hide things from me. That's been a few months now and just two days ago I was doing our taxes and trying to get everything together so that we could have an evening together. I went into his file box and there was a magazine. I was very angry and confronted him about it to only have him tell me that he felt like a child being scolded by his mother. Then, after almost 24 hours silent treatment, he told me that he felt like he is living under me because I am supporting us while he is in school. I don't really know why it makes me feel the way it does, but now I feel like I have been a fool and blind to something he obviously doesn't see as a problem. It makes me sick though and I am beginning to wonder if I have made a huge mistake.

I don't mind stuff that's kind of cute, like fiftie's pinup, and I don't think I am really prudish, but what is a marriage with lies, hiding and disrespect? I am working myself up into thinking that I am doomed to misery.

[phillysteakandcheese]

In this case, I think you are completely justified in being upset with your husband's breech of trust.

You were completely up front with your feelings on the subject and he agreed to abide by the "no porn" policy. And then he went and broke that agrement. It should not be a surprise that this breech of trust would now call into question "what else" he's been hiding or keeping secret.

Don't get me wrong - I like "nice" and "soft" porn. But if I made an agreement to "no porn" in my relationship, I'd stick by my words and honor my commitment.

You're going to have to talk to him about this and he needs to decide what's more important - his word or his porn.

[RubyPitbull]

, but what is a marriage with lies, hiding and disrespect? I am working myself up into thinking that I am doomed to misery.

I don't think you are doomed to misery. Your husband actually said quite a lot in his comments to you about feeling like he is living under you and like a child being scolded. There seems to be a control issue here. It may be that he feels a complete lack of being in control of his life and he is turning to something that gives him some solace. Kind of like a baby with a pacifier.

I believe that both of you would benefit from marriage counseling. Porn actually is an addiction. I don't know how deep your husband is into it, but he needs help to be able to disconnect from it completely. You need an objective third party to figure out exactly what is going on and how you can help him with his problem and how you both can work through this. If your husband refuses to go for counseling, then you should go by yourself. A counselor will give you guidance on how to effectively deal with this. Confronting him the way you have, seems to be creating an adverse effect on him and making him backslide on his commitment to you. You need to find a way to get him to recognize what he is doing is damaging to your relationship. The best way to do that is to find a counselor who has background dealing with this illness.

[louie1]

Ok, so I have been married for five months, after knowing my now husband for over four years. I thought that we had agreed that there wouldn't be porn in our house. He has always had it before me, but said that he could live without it and didn't need it. I came home from work early one day to have him run down the stairs to hide an entire backpack full of porn from me. Supposedly it was from a friend who asked him to hold it for him( I think this was true because that friend is in a custody battle and had people coming to his house) Anyway, long story short, I told my husband how much I hated the stuff and that it really hurt me to come home to him trying to hide things from me. Thats been a few months now and just two days ago I was doing our taxes and trying to get everything together so that we could have an evening together. I went into his file box and there was a magazine. I was very angry and confronted him about it to only have him tell me that he felt like a child being scolded by his mother. Then, after almost 24 hours silent treatment, he told me that he felt like he is living under me because I am supporting us while he is in school. I dont really know why it makes me feel the way it does, but now I feel like I have been a fool and blind to something he obviously doesn't see as a problem. It makes me sick though and I am beginning to wonder if I have made a huge mistake.

I don't mind stuff thats kind of cute, like fiftie's pinup, and I don't think I am really prudish, but what is a marriage with lies, hiding and disrespect? I am working myself up into thinking that I am doomed to misery.

It is incredibly hard for anyone to give up an addiction, however you may both have better luck controlling it i.e. ensuring it is something that is not ever around where children could stumble across it and also something that is not bought into the boundaries of your marriage.I understand that this is hard to accept as I have finished a relationship due to the same and sadly did not feel for many years that something as natural as the female body and a mans lust was a good enough reason. It is obviously something that makes him feel good - maybe he could try concentrating on other areas of his life that give him a boost.

[Lowtax4eva]

Did you both agree or did you tell him it bothered you and you wanted it gone and he just gave you an "ok"? Guys like porn, sorry, most guys anyway. I have porn and I'm married, my wife even bought me the playboy 50th anniversary issue when it came out. It's not an issue unless you make it one, if you really can't deal with him having porn at all then I guess talk to him without getting mad and explain your side, but then again this will make him feel belittled and really piss him off that you can't understand that guys like that sort of stuff. And 50's style pinups! Cool! Can I have them? Lol

I guess its worth asking, how old is he? As he gets older it won't be as important...

[Matt3046]

Get over it, all guys have porn. Yes even your DAD. Go to the porn store with him,
You might like it.
If it is that big a deal start to buy a bunch of "girl porn" and always be looking at it, and telling him hoe hot the guys are.

[Fr_Chuck]

Actually no, all guys don't "like" porn, they may like tasteful photos of naked ladies, but pure porn is actually fairly sick and does not give any realistic idea of actual sexual relationships in real life.

And people can become addicted to it, just like drinking or drugs.

And "getting back" at someone by doing stupid things is merely childish like what a 12 year old does and only makes things a lot worst.

And perosnally he may feel somewhat limited but so what, honestly, when you are in a relationship we all give and take for the other person,
My wife knows I hate to put the toilet lid down but guess what it goes down.

If she asked him not to have porn in the home, and he agreed, he is breaking her trust, and no excuse makes up for it.

If he really has an issue, looking at porn is not the way to solve that issue.

[Lowtax4eva]

I still say he was brow beaten till he agreed to get rid of it, happens to a lot of guys, even ones that aren't married.

[JoeCanada76]

Honestly, I personally feel that your way way over reacting. Even if it was his magazines or a friends. Would you not prefer him to look at a little porn at home then going out and sleeping around with real women. Think of that next time you scold him like a little child because if you continue making him feel like that then, one day he might leave your controlling ways.

Joe

[Matt3046]

That's true, if you try to control someone eventually they are either going to kill you or leave you.

[Matt3046]

But hay tell us more about the cyber stalkers.

[JoeCanada76]

Lets not talk about it. Okay. Lol Thank you for your curiosity, but you know what happened to the cat. Lol

[talaniman]

This is more a communication problem than anything. I think he feels under your control since you do everything , even make the rules he has to abide by. Not good that you two can't just talk this out and get a solution you both can live with. Talk and listen to each other. Just because he goes along doesn't mean he is happy about it.

[excon]

It makes me sick though and I am beginning to wonder if I have made a huge mistake.

Hello let:

The mistake you made was trying to change your man. Women always try to do that. I don't know why. It doesn't work. The guy, like all guys, wanted to please you, so he tried to change who he is.

Well, he couldn't, nor should he have even tried. He is the way he is. That's the way he was when you met him, and if you split, that's the way he's going to be again. Maybe next time, he'll find a girl who loves him for who he is.

excon

PS> Porn makes you sick?? Maybe you should go, after all. A little porn never hurt anybody.

[gypsy456]

I won't say that all guys like porn... but guys are guys and yeah, they like to look at naked women... I am married for 8 months and geez, do you think that my husband will switch the TV off when a naked woman appears on screen ? Of course not... he's a guy.
And I can tell you: my husband is the most wonderful person who adores me, but he is a guy... and that's what it is.

In your case it sounds like an addiction... but how serious is this addiction ?
That's something the two of you may want to find out with the help of a counselor ?
We had pre-marriage counseling, just to see if there were any issues that we had in our relationship we needed to work on. It's great, I have to say: it was not my initiative but my husband said: maybe we should do that, what do you think...

Going to a counselor and talking about the porn issue may be an idea.. it gives both of you the opportunity to get things off your chest in a safe environment that is not your home... so you just "leave" it in that room and talk about what is bothering each of you.
Maybe he is addicted.. maybe you are a little controlling, who knows.
But with a third person who can guide and help you, it may just work out the way you want to...

Good luck!

Gypsy

[JoeCanada76]

I won't say that all guys like porn... but guys are guys and yeah, they like to look at naked women... I am married for 8 months and geez, do you think that my husband will switch the tv off when a naked woman appears on screen ? Of course not... he's a guy.
And I can tell you: my husband is the most wonderful person who adores me, but he is a guy... and that's what it is.

In your case it sounds like an addiction... but how serious is this addiction ?
That's something the two of you may want to find out with the help of a counselor ?
We had pre-marriage counseling, just to see if there were any issues that we had in our relationship we needed to work on. It's great, I have to say: it was not my initiative but my husband said: maybe we should do that, what do you think...

Going to a counselor and talking about the porn issue may be an idea.. it gives both of you the opportunity to get things off your chest in a safe environment that is not your home... so you just "leave" it in that room and talk about what is bothering each of you.
Maybe he is addicted.. maybe you are a little controling, who knows.
But with a third person who can guide and help you, it may just work out the way you want to...

Good luck !!

Gypsy

How does it sound like an addiction? Inquiring minds want to know how you came up with that?

[Matt3046]

Is he smoking, snorting, or shooting up the porn?
This is stupid, this is not about "his porn" it is about her uptight controlling nature.
This will destroy the relationship, she needs to lighten up, as do many of you.
Maybe if he was satisfied, sexually with his wife he would not need porn?

[phillysteakandcheese]

Maybe if he was satisfied, sexually with his wife he would not need porn?

A guy that checks out porn will do so no matter how much action he's getting... ;)

[Matt3046]

Yes I mean I agree with all, I just think there is more going on here than just the porn.

[Matt3046]

Counseling never hurt anything, or anybody for sure. Anyone ever get the feeling that some of the people who ask these questions never even check back?