I need help. My wife and I have been married for 2 years/together for 4 total. My wife just finished grad school so we decided to move to a different state to start our "real" life. About 3 months ago she blows me out of the water with "I don't think we are happy together and I don't know if we will ever be. I don't know if we want to be ok for the rest of our lives. We're good, but not great. We need to figure out if we want to stay together or try to find that person who we're truly passionate about." So this hits me like a ton of bricks, perhaps because I had my head in the sand for the past 4 years I don't know. I start asking questions as to why she feels this way and start getting tough answers. Biggest problem for her was that we don't have that "chemistry and doesn't think we ever did, and our sex life stinks." I agreed it had been lacking, but attributed it to her school and several medical conditions that didn't help things. I feel like she's leaving something out so I keep asking and finally get that "she has chemistry with someone she works with, and wonders why she has these feelings, and the things that are lacking in our relationship is why she feels this way." We talked this out and agreed that she would have limited contact with this person since we needed to work on our relationship.

Fastforward to 10 days ago. Things have definetly improved in the bedroom and I feel we have made improvements to our relationship. She gets a phone call from an ex-boyfriend (who lives 400 miles away) whom she has always referred to as the devil (she admitedly had "the best sex of her life" with him but he had cheated on her for a year straight). It didn't really bother me since her disdain for this person was clear. But she started having extended coversations with him and I asked her why she felt the need to talk to someone who she disliked so much. She said she needed closure since it was a difficult break and she wouldn't mind having him as a friend since they went through things together. This response didn't settle my feelings about the situation and their conversations continued. I explained to my wife that the relationship she was involving herself in with him did not help the situation we were in and could only hurt. She didn't seem to think that anything was wrong b/c she was lacking friends to talk to, but she said she'd try to curb the discussions while I was around since it made me uneasy (like this helps!). Now I get the phone bill and see the amount of text messages and phone calls that were made between them and I start to "freak out" a little about the amount of time spent talking and my mistrust for her starts. I never thought that I was or would be that "jealous/controlling" person that would spy on my wife and never had the need to, but my intense sense of urgency to save our marriage made me feel like I had to see what they were talking about. BAD IDEA from my mental sanity standpoint. First she tried to hide his number in her phone by giving it the same name as one of her close friends, then the emails and text messages were disgusting. She is never one to lie to me (not in her nature), but when we had talked about how the conversations bothered me she said "it's not like we're having phone sex", LIE. The emails were absolutely horrible for me to read all the meanwhile she's going out and buying a "sex toy" to use while reading the emails and phone calls. I had brought up the situation again yesterday, but she said the conversations were very casual about work and stuff, but they didn't talk as much as before. LIE. Well last night she went out with her mom to a local bar and 10 mins after she left the house she started a text message with him where in the end she replied "I love you" and his response was "I love you too". This made my heart explode and I haven't been able to sleep all night thinking about how to handle this. She doesn't know that I have read emails and texts, and I can't stand knowing what I know only to see her lie to my face and act as nothing is wrong, so this really can't end well either way. How do I bring this up while trying to preserve this marriage, or can I, or should I bring it up or is this the end for us? I've tried to get her to come to counseling with me but she is a psychologist herself (not a counseling one though), and says she doesn't see what else they could help her with and that time really is what she needs. I'm physically sick over this situation and it isn't helping things at work. Sorry for the long post, but I don't have many people to turn to with this situation.

ordinaryguy

I know it's a bitter pill to swallow, but it sounds like emotionally, she's already gone.
You're asking the right question, but the answer may be awhile coming yet.
If she won't go with you, go by yourself. You're gonna need all the help you can get, so don't be bashful about asking for it. This site can help, but it's no substitute for face-to-face, one-on-one contact.

KalFour

It would be good to find someone to talk to in person.
You might be able to work things out with her if it's brought out into the open, but it sounds as if she's been unhappy in the marriage for a while. In the meantime, you might have reached the stage where you have to either confront her or leave. This isn't something that you'll be able to contain within yourself for a long time.

This can't be easy, and I cannot even begin to imagine what you're going through. Take care of yourself.
Kal

troubled_hubby

Thanks, for your insight-it helps. I did end up having this conversation with her, now it just adds that extra layer of crap to our issues. She says they have a unique relationship and that she would never want to be with him again, but they are trying to work through the "way they were" and break those habits so that they can just be friends. I know it's my own insecurities getting in the way, but I just don't trust this situation. Things were going fairly well before this whole event occurred, and now she just seems to resent the fact that I "broke her trust" and I'm trying to be more open to her and show affection which is just being rejected. I don't want to go on like this for another 6 months, and have it end horribly, but I'm not quitting this relationship right now. I just don't know how to get her to turn around and see things differently and for myself to remove the suspicion.

Other than seeing a counselor, does anyone have suggestions as to trust building techniques?

ordinaryguy

There are lots of ways to build trust, but all of them require two people who want it to be built. In the story you've told, I only see one.