I've been married to my husband for a little over a year. We have 5 children between us. I have 1 boy and he has 4 girls. I think they're part of the reason I've stayed (I know that's never a good idea). I love my husband, but lately I'm frustrated, and completely losing interest in making my marriage work.

When I married my husband I was under the assumption that his finances were pretty much in order. Once we were married I found out that he was extremely behind in child support, owed money to the state for unemployment he collected and wasn't entitled to, and hadn't filed taxes in two years (which of course meant he owed a ridiculous amount of money).

Before married I knew he was without a drivers license due to DWI's (yes plural). I was under the assumption that once he completed a required course he could get it back. Wrong! If your in arrears with child support, you don't get your license.

It gets better... about 5 months ago he was temporarily laid off of work. I noticed large amounts of money being spent. He had taken hundreds of dollars out of our checking, charged a ton of money on MY credit card, and charged over a thousand dollars on my COMPANY credit card. My boss was really understanding and is allowing me to pay it back a little at a time (thank god).

The money missing was... of course... because he was using cocaine and prescription pills. I told him he needed to leave until I figured out what I wanted to do. I took him back after a week with 3 stipulations: (obviously) don't do drugs, go to a drug treatment program, and get a part time job. I felt bad for him, being as his family was extremely unsupportive.

As of 3 weeks ago, I gave him a drug test, and he was clean. He worked a part time job for 2 weeks, but was let go. He went to drug counseling for about 3 1/2 months.

I feel like I'm back to square one. He has not seen or even called his couselor in about a month and a half, even though I remind him to at least 3 times a week. He has not gotten another part time job. I don't know if he's using, but I haven't been missing large sums of money. However, he has decided to get himself a credit card (another completely unnecessary bill!!!!!)

I've had to pick up a second job, and we still can't get ahead. I'm resentful and angry alot. I feel like I'm doing everything. He's the one who has created the financial mess we're in, and don't think he's doing his part to fix it. I don't want to work 2 jobs, but feel like I don't have a choice. I also have to listen to him complain about my second job (bartending) because I'm normally gone until 3 in the morning, but it works for me because I only have to work a few days to make the same amount of money I would in 2 weeks somewhere else.

On top of this, he barely contributes to the household duties. He fixes dinner almost every night (although I think he should, he gets home no less than 3 hours before me), and does the dishes every now and again. I cover everything else, laundry, cleaning the entire house, making lunches, cleaning up after the dog, etc. When I get home we eat, and then he usually sits on the couch and falls asleep until I wake him up to go to bed.

I need some unbiased advice. I've talked to friends and family, but they're typically on my side. I don't know if I have the energy or even want to make this work anymore. I love him, but I beginning to think sometimes that isn't enough.

shygrneyzs

You need to ask yourself, "Am I better off with or without him?" I would say you are better off without him.

Jesushelper76

Husband and wife are supposed to work through everything. Whether it has to do with health, wealth, poor, sick... You took those vows. If you think he is a danger to you and the children then I would worry about it. It does sound like it puts a lot of stress on you. There are different circumstances in each family and it is not always fair. You need to ask yourself could you be in there for the long haul, or would you whether be out of it. See now if your out of it. You need to ask yourself where will the children go. Would you want to keep them with you until he proved himself to have a stable work and drug free, because really if the courts new about drug abuse and no job, his parental rights could be taking away temperoarly while he getes his stuff together.

Love is the most important support in a persons life but you are right when everybody needs to find a balance because it wont be a happy life if you are always feeling like your being taken advantage of.

Joe

ordinaryguy

Sounds to me like you're the only one doing any work. Oh, I take it back, he cooks dinner and washes dishes occasionally. That's better than nothing I guess, but it hardly compensates for stealing you blind, failing to support his kids, and refusing to get help or work even part time. Does he have custody of his 4 girls, or do they live with his ex? Otherwise why would he owe child support? If you aren't pulling the rug out from under them, I'd say leave his sorry a$$ and get free of responsibility for his stupid self-destructive debts. This is obviously not a recent or temporary lifestyle he's taken up, but a well-honed act as a hopeless case. It's easy to see why you're Feeling Foolish, because it sounds like a lot of who he is was already well-documented and on display before you married him. I know, wishful thinking can overwhelm even the best evidence, but it may be time to chalk it up as an expensive lesson in the school of hard knocks and do what you can to limit the damage. Letting it go on like this is clearly not in anybody's interest, not even his. How many last chances you should give him is for you to judge, but marriage vows do not include a promise to be a professional enabler. Don't let guilt or shame keep you from doing what you know needs to be done. Courage, friend, and let us know how it goes.

valinors_sorrow

I think its time to call it a day on the basis that he didn't meet the criteria for your continued involvement. You said it yourself so now its time to act on it. It can be a rude awakening but love is not enough for sick people, and I don't mean sick pervert, I mean sick dysfunctional. And having been one myself, I can unequivocally say that life needs to hand us consequences in order to effect change. I eventually chose recovery in all its manifestations and live a happy "normal" LOL life now but not before I racked up a TON of failure. I had to take actions to get where I am now. And so will he. And if he isn't willing, then you shouldn't be either. Otherwise its like Guy said, you enable him and hurt both of you. Not good.

talaniman

If he is not willing to change and put his life in order, get out because as he falls, you will be dragged down also. Sorry, but you must protect yourself and your child from this monster, or you will feel a lot worse than foolish. Don't listen to any lies as he has proven to be good at deceit, His actions are what counts.

Feeling Foolish

To those that replied to my post, I want to say thank you. To clarify my first post, my son lives with me, but the girls live with their mothers. I finally decided to ask my husband to leave. It's been almost a month since I asked him to leave. We are going to marriage counseling, but I have a feeling it isn't going to help. He still hasn't taken any responsibility for the financial damage he's cause, and of course I get to pay for the couseling as well. He has not respected my space either (although the couselor recommended he back off for a while). I also found another credit card he opened (and spend $500 in 7 days). I have found more evidence of consistent drug use, and he's now been stealing passwords for my e-mails, etc. to check up on me. I think I've lost the fight. I pretty sure that I want to completely end this marriage. I just haven't figured out how to tell him. Any suggestions on how to tell him without me looking like a complete b#$%h???

ordinaryguy

Forgive me, but YOU'RE worried that he will think you're a b!tch for kicking his sorry a$$ out??? That's not even an issue as far as I can see. The real problem is how to actually get him to physically go. For that, you may have to enlist the police if he's as much of a leech as he seems. This has gone on way too long, and he obviously has no serious intention of getting his act together. You owe it to him, as well as yourself, to let him start to suffer the consequences of his own bad choices. Get on with it, and don't waste a minute worrying how it looks to him or anybody else.

Feeling Foolish

Physically he is out of the house... at least I've done that much. I think I'm just trying to get up the courage to tell him I want a divorce.

talaniman

Let your lawyer, or an officer of the court tell him, when he gets served with papers for divorce. Thats the easy way, and why not make it easy on yourself?