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Maria101010 · Dec 5, 2009, 06:15 AM

I recently found out that my boyfriend cheated on me 1 time. We've been dating for 4 years, and he recently slept with this girl, after major flirting went on between them for a few months (i.e. sending sexy texts back and forth). He doesn't know that I know, and it does not seem that he plans on telling me his "secret." We've talked about marriage and I'm sensing that he is getting close to proposing. (we're 25 and 24 years old... ). Our relationship has been great / fine, and I had always thought we would marry, but now we have this secret between us, and I do not know what to do!! Help! I really love him... but do I want to marry someone who betrayed me like that and is now keeping it a secret?? I'm confused...

tickle · Dec 5, 2009, 08:38 AM

You will have to get 'that secret' out in the open, maria. Talk to him.

Tick

jmjoseph · Dec 5, 2009, 09:17 AM

Do you really want to marry a person that makes you come on here and get input for his infidelity?

And how are you so sure it was only "one time"?

Find someone to marry, that when he asks, you want to tell the whole world, and not have to worry about if he will cheat AGAIN.

If he loved you so much, and if he is that wonderful, then why did he pursue, romance, and sleep with another woman?

My answer to you is no, at least not now. This needs to be out in the open.Then, it's a matter of if you can forgive him. Most would not.

You should be angry as hell about him putting you at risk, and playing with your heart.

What would your father say?

talaniman · Dec 5, 2009, 12:59 PM

Forget marriage until this is out in the open, and discussed at length.

Personally I would leave copies of the texts messages where he can see them, so he knows you know, and see what he does.

Be advised that if he cheated once that you know of, there may be more that you don't know.

Not to scare you but cheaters are often good liars, and can never be trusted, unless the have a proven record of change, over a long time.

Cheaters are lousy marriage partners.

Alty · Dec 5, 2009, 01:20 PM

I'm going with a different angle then the rest.

I would just leave. I wouldn't give him a reason, or a hint that I know. I'd just pack my stuff and leave.

He cheated and he's lying. Instead of admitting his mistake he swept it under the rug hoping you'd never find out.

What makes you think he's not still sleeping with her? After all, why would he stop?

tickle · Dec 5, 2009, 02:34 PM

We can't all just jump out of bed (good analogy and I just had to use it cause it fits !)and say she is making a mistake. I mean, there are variables and they do have to talk. If it is a good relationship, and I guess, still solid even if maybe one indiscretion. There are always two sides to one story and we don't know the whole story, although, cheating is never a good one.

Just my take. And Alty already has some good points, sometimes in relationship problems, maybe Alty should be pets/relationship something something.:D

tick

Fr_Chuck · Dec 5, 2009, 02:37 PM

OK, so he has cheated basically for months ( all of the firting and trying to have sex with them)

Now he is ( according to your info) he is not having sex with someone else.

Does not sound like the person really to {pop} a question to me, it sounds like someone who is back to square one.

You need to address this, get into counseling and he will have to work for months and months to ever get to a point where he could be trusted.
And honestly will there ever be full trust or each day when he leaves will you wonder if he is meeting someone

Alty · Dec 5, 2009, 02:42 PM

Here's the thing that bothers me about this whole deal. He hasn't confessed to cheating. He's living each day thinking that the OP is completely in the dark about his affair.

He's not only a cheater, he's a liar. He's living a lie. He thinks she's buying the lie.

In this situation I can't see how therapy would help because he hasn't admitted his transgression.

I'd walk, but that's me and you all know that I don't put up with this kind of crap. ;)

outlawneeler · Dec 5, 2009, 05:30 PM

Just talk to him... tell him what you know and if he continues to lie to you about it, then you need to think about how your future would be with someone who lies to you...

But first, confront him, talk about it, and see if you can get past this, if you can then that's great if not I am sure there is a better man out there for you who wouldn't lie to you...

JoeCanada76 · Dec 5, 2009, 05:51 PM

Question how do you know for sure that he cheated?

ohsohappy · Dec 5, 2009, 06:47 PM

I have to agree with everyone else on this one. I wouldnt' marry this man. Funny thing, there's another post about this, when I find it, I'll post it and you can read that stuff too.

Actually, there are SEVERAL posts about this, but I just read another one today, anyway, I'll post the link. .

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nd-422421.html

jmjoseph · Dec 5, 2009, 09:29 PM

Maria, If you are checking in here to see what we are saying, will you please tell us how you "know" that he cheated?

Give us some more information please.

JoeCanada76 · Dec 5, 2009, 09:46 PM

That is all I am saying. Just because they were text messages, does not mean that he actually cheated. What did these text messages contain. What proof do you have?

Now if he did actually cheat and this does get out in the open. You need to make the decision yourself whether you want to stay with him or not.

The thing is your asking for us to make a decision for you without having all the information which is really hard to do.

Hope this helps, but in the end you need to decide how to confront him of your suspicions or whatever proof you think you have.

Then you need to decide whether you get rid of him or not. To go through a marriage or not.

If it turns out he is a cheater, you get married. Do not be surprised it happens again.

Take care.

Joe

Maria101010 · Dec 6, 2009, 05:11 AM

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

Maria, If you are checking in here to see what we are saying, will you please tell us how you "know" that he cheated?

Give us some more information please.

He told a friend who told me... and I looked at his phone and found 1 message that seemed to support what his friend told me. I'm also confused about what to do about his friend telling me, but that is another "issue." I'm tired of all the secrets! And thank you all for your feedback. I just want to get different opinions, especially since I'm not ready to discuss this with anyone who is a part of "our" social circle or may family. I want to go to him first...

jmjoseph · Dec 6, 2009, 05:49 AM

Originally Posted by Maria101010

He told a friend who told me...and I looked at his phone and found 1 message that seemed to support what his friend told me. I'm also confused about what to do about his friend telling me, but that is another "issue." I'm tired of all the secrets! And thank you all for your feedback. I just want to get different opinions, especially since I'm not ready to discuss this with anyone who is a part of "our" social circle or may family. I want to go to him first...

The point most of us are trying stress is do not put all of your faith and love into someone who has proven to be unfaithful, and not trustworthy.

Never accept anything less than what you feel you deserve.

You wouldn't take home a dog that has been known to bite.

There needs to be trust. Without that, your life will be miserable.

Good luck to you.

redhed35 · Dec 6, 2009, 06:43 AM

Seems to me your both keeping secrets,and no one is talking,except his 'friend'.

Trying to get to the bottom of this with third hand information is not going to work out so well... time to get busy talking with your could be husband.

Time to get tested,your health is important..

And maybe time to reconsider this relationship with all the secrets... there must be a big white elephant in the bed with the two of you,how is this going to get sorted out?

How are you going to find peace in the relationship unless you speck up?

I do wonder about his friend feeling the need to tell you,perhaps all is not what it seems,another secret.

My advice is to stop playing nancy drew and get these dark secrets into the light,they need a voice,and it looks like your it!