I am trying to figure out if I should leave my husband or not. I am 31 yrs old. I can't even believe I am considering this. It's unbelievable. We have been together for 12 years and married for 4. we have no kids - but 2 dogs. I think he has bipolar depression. I have been trying to stay to help him - he won't go to the doctor. He explodes over the smallest things, starts flying off the handle and cussing me - telling me he wants a divorce, to leave, etc. the bad thing is that my famlily is on the east coast and I am on the west coast. I feel so far away and lonely here. Other times he is fine but I am sick of being talked down to or being cussed out and ignored and then never getting an apology. He was never like this until a while after we got married. If I would have known it would have been like this I would have never married him. My 26 yr old brother died last year in a car wreck and he wasn't even that nice to me for very long after that. It's like it's all about him all the time. I hear more complaints then nice things. When you go home it should be a safe haven not a place where you have to defend yourself. I feel like I have no one to tell. I don't want to tell my mom. He never wants me to go anywhere with friends - even just to the movies or to eat. It's not like I go out partying with girlfriends. We never do anything with couples - he hates being social. Any advice anyone please?

You've listed the negatives in your relationship quite succinctly. What are the positives? You don't need to tell us, just list them like you did the negatives. When you compare the two lists, is the sum positive or negative? Get that answer and your decision is made.

It doesn't matter what the positives are anymore. No one should ever have to suffer so much in a marriage. He's extremely controlling.

You've given him enough chances. 12 years is more than enough of your time. You don't sound happy at all. Normally we would suggest marriage counselling and work on your communication system. You could try that out and see if there is any progress, but if there's no progress, then why continue to suffer?

You definitely deserve better than this. Can't you move back to the east coast?

I would love to move back to the east coast. I definitely have the support system there that I am lacking here. My family and friends would help me move back. It's just that initial picking up and going that I keep chickening out. I moved out here to the west coast because he wanted to. I have thought about doing the positive/negative list but I haven't yet. It just seems like everything is always my fault. He would never go to counseling - he won't even go to the dr for his own problems. I know I do deserve better. I think I am a good person. I feel sometimes my husband has the same personality as my dad - which is not a good thing.

It's good that you still want to make this marriage work, but it sounds like he's not willing to compromise or put any effort. Successful relationships take hard work from both sides. Furthermore, if there's progress in his behavior, then I would agree that you should continue to give him a chance, but it doesn't seem like the case.

It's difficult to pack up and go, but once you're back home, like you said, you have a good support system in place. The difficult part is to get there in the first place. Maybe someone close to you can come over to the west coast and help you pack?

You have very good advice. I have a good friend back home (east coast) that knows a little about what's going on and she said whenever I say she will come help.

Sounds like your decision is made. Have the friend out for a week's vacation then go visit the family sounds like a non-confrontational way out. Then the anger and begging and whining will be long distance and through lawyers. Have fun with that.