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I am 27 yrs. old and have been married to a wonderful man for 2 yrs. now, he is 29 and is a very hard working, honorable, person and he treats me like gold, usually giving most anything I want within reason. We have been together a total of 3 1/2 yrs. and the first 2 were blissful, we were so in love and inseperable. The last yr has been complicated, more for me then him...we have been trying to conceive for almost 2 yrs. now and it has really taken a toll on me. About a yr ago, I found some questionable porn that he was looking at (we are very open sexually, we HAD a great sex life, incl. watching pron, using toys, sharing fantaise, etc...) I asked him straigt up why he was looking at it and he said that he was curious, (it was pics of a she male) I asked him if he was gay and he said, to be honest, I don't know, I have never thought about it...that statemnet has haunted me ever since...everytime I see him with his guy friends, I watch his body language and I am constantly wondering if he acting in a homosexual manner... I have never confronted him about it since and Im afraid to beacause of the affect it has had on our relationship already. Our sex life isn't as romantic or playful as it was before, I feel like I have put up a wall because Im scared it might be true. I know I am depressed and I am taking the steps to seek treatment, this issue is just the first of many that are causing me to spiral deeper into a hole that Im afraid if I don't get honest with myself and my husband, I am going to have a breakdown... I just don't know where to start?!?!?
hey girlie buck up!!!! check this out, if he were definitely gay, he would know. if he never really thought about it before, then he's still not thinking about it, and the unknown is not as perilous as you think. the question you need to ask is does he love you? is he in love with you? does he find you sexually attractive (if you walk up to him and seduce him without touching him, then you are attractive to him)? if he finds you attractive then at worst he's bi, and you dont chastize your female bi friends do you. his being bi could even open up more sexual possibilities for both of you. thats a moot point though i think, because we are worried about the sake of the relationship, right? those things aside, you seeking some counsel will help. maybe you just need to start thinking about what you see in him that you love, and not cloud it with this possibility of gayness. women i think (im judging from my wife) are very hypersensitive to what they believe to be thier sixth sense or whatever. trust me you dont have a sixth sense, and your brain is overwhelming your heart to make you feel justified. are you looking for a reason to be angry at your husband, or worry about him? were you comfortable in your life and content in your life, that your mind is making things bigger than they are to add a little drama, instead of forever love story. if it were my guess i'd just say hes straight, but he has feminine qualities, and he's sensitive, and he definitely loves you or else you would have a whole lot more than circumstantial evidence. and contrary to popular belief, we guys can tell when you girls are a little off, and we gain some fear of asking you to put out, if you're giving us wierd looks, or looking lost. Just trust your man to love you, we guys dont get enough of that in modern society, he loves you love him back.
at worst he's bi, and you dont chastize your female bi friends do you
Are you freaking serious?
What makes you think someone knows immediately they are gay, or has the ability to admit it to themselves, much less their spouse? I have a friend who's parents were married for over 20 years, had two children, very happy together and one day, her dad came home and said, "I think I'm gay". It's not as clear-cut as you make it sound.
As for your second boneheaded comment... Perhaps OP would have a problem with her husband being bisexual, and how the hell do you know if she has female bi friends? My my, someone is rather ignorant!
cnfsdblnd my advice to you is to seek counseling. You admit you are depressed and looking for help for yourself, but your marriage could use some help to. A marriage counselor could provide a lot of insight for both you and your husband about your relationship and hopefully, with that, you will be able to figure out if you can make things work. One last bit of advice? Don't listen to a damn thing wiggitywackiraq said!
I dont know what all the beef is about with the other responders, but I would not write him off a gay just yet. It worries me that he was willing to show you other porn, but hid the questionable one. If you have a feeling in your heart or gut follow your feelings. Make him use protection or simply don't participate until this issue is solved to your satification. The situation that you are describing is real, and is blamed for the disproportiante amount of married heteroxesual females contracting HIV in the US.
he may not have been looking at the he-she for excitement maybe he was just curious...you did say that looking at porn was part of your sexual exsperience.so if he didn't want this included in your sexual experience why should he show the he-she to you. I'm sure if you questioned him about his manhood immediately and began acting strangely toward him..it would have an effect on his ability to approach you in the future. He did tell you that he didn't know if he was gay " he never thought about it" I'm sure if he was gay or bi- That he would have thought about it alot...and you would have found more than one instance of bi or gayness on your computer. If he still seems attracted to you when you approach him. I don't think you should be so worried.
This is a non issue. As far as I can tell from what you wrote. He is a great person. Treats you well. Loves you, you love him. When there is ever a communication break down, even if it is for things that seem minor or hard to bring up it will cause a relationship ripple in your life. It will seem small or you might be able to hold things in just because your afraid to bring up an issue but believe me this is just a blow up waiting to happen.
I think what you need to do is bring up a discussion about the time you found porn and you were wondering why he responded the way he did. You were curious about why you responded that way and it bothered you a bit.
It may be hard, but if it is on your mind. You need to let him know.
Also would like to add that after being together for a while now, sex and intimacy and romance it is normal in a normal relationship for it to settle down a bit. Does not make him gay.
Nor do I personally from what you wrote think he is gay. I think you took this comment out of proportion and made it bigger then it is, but that is just my opinion. You will not know for sure until you approach him about this.
Now after getting your thoughts out in the open, do not be surprised if he is hurt by this. Do not come out and say I think your gay because of one of his comments, that would not be a good thing. Bringing up something from the past could be hurtful, but after you bring it out in the open about the comment and porn that bothered you, and if you feel like you both talked reasonably and your satisfied with his response. You need to learn how to let go and stop looking for trouble.
Enjoy your time together. Be together and just be happy for each day your together. Stop worrying about the past, stop worrying about the future. Just live each day in the moment. You will be much happier.
Thank you all for your insight...I do know one thing is for sure and that is that he loves me more then anything, I think I am looking for something to go wrong, the bottom line is I am one of the very few women who are lucky enough to find such a good, devoted, honest man. I still do want to get the courage up to talk to him about it, just to give me closure. The whole trying to conceive is the other thing that is spiraling me deeper into depression, I have never felt so let down, and even though we have both been tested and we have now been put into a category of unexplained infertiltiy because everything came back normal, I still worry constantly " Why Us?" We are finally getting art. inseminated in 2 wks. so I am praying that it takes, and that hopefully this will elp to lift a huge burden off of our relationship. Cross your fingers and keep us in your prayers. Thanks Again!
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