My husband has done many things to hurt me. To begin, he lied about who he was when we were dating. We were young and in college; he pretended to not smoke, get drunk, and go to church regularly. Thus, we seemed to have so much in common. We talked for hours; he swept me off my feet with flowers and dinners and such. Of course, I invested my time and energy also. I told him up front when things began to get serious physically once that I was waiting for marriage. He seemed okay with this, but he was always pushing the envelope physically and verbally on the subject. In short, I did give in and regretted it. I told him it could not happen again, in tears. It did because he pushed and I felt so alone, having abandoned my convictions. Later, I find out he was the big party type--I caught him smoking, he shrugged and said "busted!" Then I find out he had done drugs, funneled beer, and then much later he's into porn. He was also a horrible racist--spots he didn't show until much later. He said he lied to get a chance with me and was hoping to change. I should have walked out, but my guilt over losing my virginity to him was too great. Long story short, two years later, I find myself pregnant, ironically after finally having the courage to break up with him for a brief two weeks. (By the way, in this time, he has managed to pull me away from friends, persuade me not to join a sorority, and he becomes "it"). I was raised Catholic, and knew this would break my parent's hearts. The only reason I wasn't suicidal is that one night for no reason for the first time while I prayed I said, "God, it's too great for me to bear. It's in your hands." I am normally one to fix things, worry, and be a perfectionist. He gave me the insight to know it wouldn't work in this situation. I also realized there would be no more medical school for me. Boyfriend drives me to a pretty place and tells me he no longer loves me. I see the college counselor who advises adoption; I make up my mind to keep the child. He is invited to a session. He sides with adoption. Its he and the counselor vs. me; it was heartbreaking. He talks to his brother who asks him if he does love me, he says yes, he was scared, his brother says if he doesn't marry me now, I won't want him later so he proposes--he tells me about this conversation 3 years later--obviously knowing about it makes me feel as if his choice was more of an ultimatum by his brother. I accept and pray for the best. We had a tough start as expected; I knew the money would not be there, but some things were within his control to make better. We've weathered 12 years together now. I put him through college for a second degree and though I made it into grad school made the decision to resign because the kids were being completely neglected (he worked late hours, and he wanted me to have a full assistanceship to offset school costs--we could have made it without it--and so I was always late in too). We have more than one child; I love them dearly. He has still had a problem with porn, and has lied to me about it three times (he quit), then I find it on the computer. He breaks my heart because each day he puts himself before me, his needs, his dreams, but I have shown through actions that the kids and him are first. He talks to me harshly and calls me names; he's said I'm a bad mother, you're crazy/nuts (this is common when I tell him he's done something to hurt me or that bothers me), ugly words when he's really hot, and so forth. He has a high profile job, is handsome, and charming to others. I wanted to leave him once but he called my parents to our home and they talked me out of it. They both think he's great; my mother has a pretty short measuring stick for great because my dad was verbally abusive to her and my brother and I--and I mean really,really abusive verbally. I have no support, and I'm wondering if I am crazy to want to be alone rather than with him. He has changed in a number of ways, he's no longer racist (to his defense this happened in college as he realized how great/smart/nice various people can be--he was raised in racist home and taught bigoted ideas), he is a good father but can yell here and there if he's angry, he remembers anniversaries and things other husbands neglect, but deep down he makes me feel small and alone. This has happened over many years, probably because I let it happen, and I'm angry with myself about it. I don't know how to feel. Emotions come and go. I would love to hear from the priest or someone spiritual about this. Would I be selfish to leave if he is a good father but not husband? His lies and other things he has done that I've not mentioned here have hurt me. All our conversations are centered on him, his day, his work, his goals, him, him, him, occasionally the kids. He is very concerned with his appearance, his performance in anything--little league coaching, saying a prayer at Thanksgiving, the smallest thing, so maybe he's insecure to ask me if he did a good job, but he's so egotistical in other ways. How do I have my own value in the face of someone who does not value me, how do I take time for me and get support when he doesn't even want to hear about my day? How can I live in a one-way street for the rest of my life without feeling run over--especially when it is in my nature to give of myself? Should I? I realize the wrong choice was made long, long ago. Must I abide by it even if someone is thoughtless and selfish? I truly daily doubt he loves me or ever loved me.

God loves marriage and takes those vows seriously.

There were a lot of issues, one while you got into a relationship with him long before it got to where it is now, you knew and saw who and what he was. It had to be there, one can not hide that much, so at some point you decided that allowing or putting up with his behavior was worth being with him. ( now that is your choice to make and many make that choice)

I don't believe in divorce, but knows it happens, but it seems he is not taking your seroius nor your needs.

My first advice would be to require him to go to marriage counseling with you. And if he just won't go, do a trial separation, assuming you are still catholic and don't believe in divorce, the church does understand and recommend a separation for a time in order.

Porn is an adiction and a seroius one, as is drinking. Both of these can cause other seroius issues in life style.

But in the end, the value we each place on our life is always in each of us, we don't or should not get our vaule from someone else. The marriage and perhaps private counseling will be of great help for you.

Thank you, Father Chuck. I think you are right about the counseling; I hope he will agree to it. It was hard to see that we might need that because we don't have fiery fights or have lasting anger in our hearts toward each other. He does say hurtful things and he's very oblivious to them sometimes--then again sometimes he deliberately says them. FYI--I am Catholic as is he, and we go to church together as a family. Yes, you are right, at some point he did let his true self show and I did make a conscious decision to stay with him.. . But all of this came out after I lost my virginity to him; at that point I was young and thought that by staying I was "righting" or making my wrong better. He told me after we were married that when we first dated he was at a place in his life where he wanted to change things about himself--to get on the "right track" (his words) and he said he thought that if he was with me he could (we met through one of my girlfriends so she probably told him about me). This is how it was possible for me not to see who he really was in the beginning of our relationship--he was trying to be someone else or a different version of himself, and did a convincing job for quite a while.
In some ways he was right because I have been a catalyst (not the whole reason, but very supportive) for many changes in his life that he sees as positive. I suppose we have grown together over the years, outwardly our marriage is functional and our kids are loved and happy, but I do think my spouse should value me and love me as well. Even with all the things we have been through, I do value and love him. If I didn't value myself I wouldn't want any better for myself in our relationship. I will talk to him tonight about marriage counseling. Do you have any advice in choosing a couselor? For example, not all counselors would even see porn as a problem these days, I bet, because it is so widespread. It wouldn't help to have someone tell him it's okay as long as she doesn't know about it--it seems that's the code he's been working under for some time now and it doesn't work for me. Thanks again.

socratesimnot, why don't you start with counseling from your church? Is there a priest you trust and admire? He will not discuss this with anyone else. You might very well benefit from going by yourself first. You need an objective third party to help you sort through all of this. Sometimes just having someone listen to you, can make all the difference and give you strength. You seem to have lost yourself somewhere along the line here.

You make a good point, RubyPitbull. I only wonder that if he knows that I am going to counseling first, this will validate his perspective that the problem is only me (when I found the awful porn (two guys with one girl in sexual poses), he said he was a "normal" male and I was being too sensitive, it wasn't meant to hurt me, it had nothing to do with me ALSO when he makes hurtful remarks or does something and I point out that what he did made me feel a certain way, I'm crazy or too touchy). I did ask him about joint marriage counseling and he said, "I'm willing to give it a try." I may also go for individual counseling later or along with the marriage counseling, but I didn't think it wise to go before the joint counseling. I hope I made the right decision. Wish us luck!

We do wish you luck! As long as he is willing to go with you and make an effort, that is always a good sign! His agreeing to this is a sure sign that he does love you.

I thought of this verse

Romans 2:4 (NIV) Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?

My wife reminds me that love never fails.

If that seems to cliché I would ask that you remember your love for your kids. (Especially because he is a good Dad) I know your husband doesn't deserve your love. But please don't let him get in the way of your happiness. Be the woman God wants you to be. We only have the control to change ourself. Commit yourself to counseling and make God your foundation. The joy of our Lord is our strength! He will bless and honor you. Your sacrifice will be repaid. Forget the past; love keeps no record of wrongs. Besides God has offered to take away all of your burdens.

Sounds like a good deal

BC