Hi everyone,

I really need help. I'm in my third year at my university, 400+ miles away from home, and it seems that since I've left, my parents' marriage has been rapidly deteriorating. Let me start with some background info. My parents are very traditionally Chinese, and I was born and raised in California. They've tried my entire life to be open-minded and raise me the way my American classmates were brought up, but of course, as with every culture, still try to hold to a lot of Chinese traditions. I mention this fact because this has made them not so open to the ideas of marriage counseling and some American lifestyles, because they don't really want to open their marriage to complete strangers.

Anyway, I'm 20 years old and my two brothers are 10 and 11, and while I was in high school, I took on much of the responsibility for raising my brothers -- dropping them off and picking them up from school, helping them with their homework after school because my parents' English is very minimal, etc. I think that part of the reason why their marriage is under so much stress is because of the additional pressure that my leaving for college has placed on them, in addition to the fact that my youngest brother (10) has a severe case of childhood epilepsy, and his seizure-control medication makes him very temperamental, giving my parents a bit of a hard time.

I'm not at home for 10 out of the 12 months of the year, so I haven't been able to observe for myself what is really going on, so I might be slightly biased toward my dad because he's the only one of the two who talks to me about their problems, but when I am at home, my mother's behavior seems to support what he tells me.

My mother has become very immature and selfish, based on my and my father's observations. She does things that benefit her, and doesn't really pay attention to the needs of my father and brothers. She records Korean soap operas via her DVD-R and watches them for probably 3-4 hours a day. She cooks dinner only a couple times a week -- on the other nights, she pays for my brothers to have dinner at their afterschool tutor's house, and tells my father to find something for himself. I have a strong feeling that when I'm not at home, she sleeps in my bed (away from my father). My dad told me that she said to him "you snore and so I can't sleep next to you," but the thing is, he's snored in all 25 years of their marriage, and so I think she uses that as an excuse. One time, she and I were having a conversation about marriage (what age at which I should get married) and she told me to think twice about marriage, because she knows so many older women who are single (either divorced or never been married) and they are "so happy and carefree, because they don't have the burden of worrying about others." She also once advised me to never have children, because they're "cute at first, but afterwards, they just add stress "and told me that if she could go back, she wouldn't have had children. (Yes, my mother said this to me.)

For some bizzarre reason, my mother seems to lack the compassion that I think is a strong characteristic in my father and myself, and her focuses are so much on the financial. She cancelled my brother's piano lessons ($50/hr each week) and tae kwon do classes (approx $$2500/yr for both brothers) because she didn't think they were necessary, and she spends money on (excuse my language) CRAP like a $4000 Chinese dieting program for herself, where they basically give you a list of what you can and can't each, and they do this "fat burning" massage thing for you once or twice a month. Yes, she lost about 15-20 lbs (my mother is a tiny woman and did not need to lose that weight.. she now weighs about 108 at 5'2"). She's really excited because she can fit into jeans that I wore in high school (I was less than 90 lbs in high school), which is great for her, but that's one of my points. She cares about the superficial things like being thin and having great skin (she's beautiful, by the way... my mom is 45 and looks not a day over 35) but she doesn't care about things like visiting her mother-in-law when she was in the hospital on her deathbed, about things like making sure my pre-pubescent brothers are being fed nutritiously during these crucial developing age, and things like respecting my father.

My father has a short temper, and I'm sure it doesn't benefit the situation, but I can't help but think that anyone who has to face daily the things that my mother does (and the way she talks) would be fed up, as well.

Sometimes I try to respectfully point things out that my mother shouldn't do (like yell at my brothers for small mistakes) but she says things like "This is how I am. Don't try to change me."

I wish I could attribute some of this to a menopausal mid-life crisis or something, but I really don't know sometimes. I think that if my brothers weren't so young, my parents would be divorced already. Also, I know that this is a horrible thing to say, but I think that if my father didn't make so much more money than my mother (his salary is about $85k, and she makes about $40k), she would have left us a while ago.

Even with my brothers being so young, I'm scared that the reality of divorce might come up soon, as the situation is getting worse and worse. I love my family to death, but I can't stand being at home and around my fighting parents for more than 5 days at a time (and this is saying something because I HATE the city that my school is located in).

Please help. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Merry Christmas, everyone.

First, let me say that you seem like a very mature and generous daughter who is genuinely concerned about your family, and I salute you for this. I suspect that you're correct that your leaving home has contributed to the worsening situation there. You were carrying a lot of the load and now that you're gone, the slack isn't being picked up. You may be tempted to feel guilty about this, but please don't. It isn't your job to raise your brothers, and it certainly isn't your job to mediate your parents' marriage problems.

You say that your mother "has become" selfish and immature, but it doesn't sound like this is a sudden recent change. It sounds like she's been this way all along, though she may be getting worse. Sadly, middle age is a very hard time for a selfish person who places excessive importance on her looks. She has to be realizing that her youth is slipping away, and by the sound of it, she hasn't developed enough depth of character to face that fact in a healthy way. I really don't know that there's anything you can do to help her unless and until she sees that she needs to change.

I really feel for your brothers and your father since they have to be around her all the time. I'm afraid the best you can do is encourage and support them as they go through what is bound to be a very tumultuous period. Try to help your father realize that he can't make your mother happy if she's determined to be miserable, and that he shouldn't be afraid to end the marriage if she really does refuse to change. If that's what happens, it will be hard for your brothers, but so is living in a combat zone. As far as resistance to marriage counselling goes, it might help to remind your parents that a divorce will reveal their marriage difficulties to far more strangers that counselling ever would.

Ultimately, there's really nothing you can do about the problems that are your parents'. Your mother certainly doesn't sound very "Chinese" in the values and customs she holds to, that's for sure. You obviously are inclined towards your father. I'm not suggesting that that isn't justified but ultimately I think it's important for you not to take sides between your parents and encourage your brothers not to take sides either. It's OK for you to dislike some of the things your mother says and does and you can make up your mind not to be like her if you choose. However, any problems between your parents are going to have to worked out by them. It's unfortunate that you and your brothers are caught in the middle but that's how it always is in these situations.