Is it ok for my wife to do things alone with her ex and her kids

It's too bad she didn't bring this up before you got married.

I would tell her it's upsetting to you and not something you expected. I do think you should listen to why she's trying to do it and talk it over and not just put your foot down without communicating more. Maybe there's a better solution to whatever problem she's trying to solve by doing this. Maybe someone has said things to her that make her feel guilty or someone has persuaded her that the children will suffer without this (which I personally think is nonsense). But where is she getting this and how long has it been going on? Try to listen even if it's upsetting.

You two need to talk this out, even if you have to set aside a few days of off and on talking to get through it. Melding two families doesn't just happen automatically.

Hello Total,

I'm not going to address you by your full user name, as I don't think you are an idiot. This is a common question and a concern of yours. No problem.


I too am divorced with children. Every now and then my exhusbad, myself and our two children go on our little adventures. I along with my ex believes that it is good for the children. The children need to see that we can still function as a family and that Mommy and Daddy get along with one another.

No, my ex nor I are shacking it up in the next room, just simply taking an interest in our children at the same time.

I think it's good that your husband and his ex are civil towards one another, especially around their children. You hear so many bad stories about exes that hate each other and the children see that, and that is very upsetting for them.

Now, let me ask you, did he ask you first if it was ok with you, or did he tell you he's going to do this whether you like it or not?

Basically, I was told this is how its going to be. Period. There was no discussion on what I thought. When I did hear about it, I brought up that I didn't think it made much sense to unilaterally make that decision, nor to steadfastly stick with it and act like I'm being unreasonable when I say I thinks its disrespectful to the new family, and us as a new couple. Sure tis good for kids to get along, but they aren't married anymore,. There are ways to show up at games etc and be cordial, but this is BS in my opinion.

The fact that he told you how it was going to be and didn't even think to ask you your thoughts on this is rude and disrespectful. I agree with you 100% there.

That's why I wanted to ask you that question. I found another one of your threads with the same question, and it's more imformative. I just read it now. It answered more questions for me.

I see where you are coming from. I, for one, believes that it is good for the kids to be together as a family once in a while. In my situation, we have an agreement that one a month the four of us get together and have dinner, go to a movie, to the park, etc.... Now, if I decide to date again I would be up front with my boyfriend before hand, and I would ask him how he feels about it. Not tell him how it's going to be. Bad idea.

Again, he souldn't have told you, he should have asked you, and being that you are newly weds, he shouldn't have had such a bad approach on this whole thing.

How long was she divorced before the marriage to you?
Had you two talked about this before?
I think it is a very strange and disrespectful thing to do. You two need to have a chat.

Now that this has been moved. I will comment on it. Thanks superpowers


To have a relationship with your ex about the children isn't unusual. But it is exactly that "about". There are times when you have to be in the same space to support your children. That's ok too. But in those times the new spouse should be invited too. Like sports or awards and accolades of life. You don't go off with the ex and just move on from there. To me that's plain weird.

She has already made your choice and can't respectfully go back on her decision; that is what she is displaying here and is confusing to the children. Who do they turn to, new dad, or old dad. That decision making is counter-productive to a life long goal for the children to lean on, IMO. I really don't think this is a a good way to raise children, she is instituting a double standard here, do what I say, not as I do.

I actually don't agree it's about "new dad, old dad." They will always have their dad. But in my opinion, the relationship between their father and mother should be less ambiguous than this appears to be. Again, this is partly a matter of taste and values. For some people this scenario would fly, but it doesn't for the OP (and it wouldn't for me), so they need to talk this out.


Enigma,
Can you explain in what way you think it is good for the kids? I don't agree. I think it sends them a confusing message and would make them harbor hopes you will get back together. In my opinion it is, at best, neutral, and possibly harmful. AND I think it's bound to make most other partners uncomfortable. But you feel pretty strongly about this, so can you provide a rationale as to why you think it's good for kids?

And, by the way, I totally agree about the laying down of the law being a really unfortunate way to approach such a delicate matter.

There is no way I would feel comfortable with this. You have children and I'm sure they don't call anything but Daddy.

I'll bet her children don't call you Daddy. All of you all need to sit down and talk this out.

I would think an amusement park would be better as a WHOLE family.

The kids will be happier with more kids to play with and go on rides with.

When I was little id take friends with me or my cousins with me so my day would be better!

I think it should be an open Invitation.

How would your Spouse react if you took your kids to an amusement park and didn't offer to take her and her kids? I am pretty sure you would be in the bad books for a while.

Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. If she doesn't listen then you need at ask why she wants to go alone with him.