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I am in a marriage in which I am not attracted to my husband. Although I have stuck it out for 7 years, I have hit my breaking point. I have talked to a counselor, friends, and family, and they agree it is best to leave. Although my husband is aware that I am not attracted to him, he is unaware that I am looking at leaving. I want to be prepared for the big day, as we have two children, and I want this to be as smooth as possible for them. My biggest concern right now--we cannot afford to keep our truck and camper, so how do I go about getting rid of those payments?? Also, we have no equity in our house, so how do I go about selling it?
I did marry my husband and have children with him because he was a good man and I thought that I could get over the fact that I was not attracted to him. However, it is VERY difficult to be intimate with someone when those feelings of intimacy are not there. My intent is not to take everything away from him (even if it sounded that way). In fact, it is just the opposite: Neither one of us can make the house payments without the other, so I want to be sure we can sell the house and not get stuck with two payments. I want to make sure that he is able to afford to keep the truck and camper. I am leaving everything to him (ie., furniture, etc.) and starting over. Finally, I will not take his kids away--he is their father. I have talked with a counselor. Her advise was to tell him the truth ASAP. However, I felt it was awful to bring this up before the holidays. Not sure if that is the right thing to do, but is there ever going to be a good time??!! I know I am going to be the bad guy here, but I just want everyone to know that I am tired of hurting my husband. He deserves someone who can give him what he needs in return--I am not that person!!! I myself am pushing 40--I deserve to be happy (not content) as well!!
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If you have your mind made up, I think it would be really nice ifyou could wait till after the holidays! Please! Good luck!
I would love to hear the other side of this story. The only thing you left out in this whole thing is how devastated he will be and the kids adjusting to a broken home. Do you see those realities, or care. Not to jump to hard on you but I think you should just leave, and let them fend for themselves and do as they want, because you made a mistake once, so now without discussion, your making another decision based on your own feelings, for their own good. How noble and much crap, as without your husbands input, you have no right to decide how he lives and with what. Your doing him a favor? Let him decide that. Tell him ASAP what your planning, so he can decide what he wants, not what you have decided for him.
Try to make myself feel better--I feel extremely guilty about how I feel. I am not soley leaving him based on his physical appearance. There is more to physical appearance than just how you look, its how you take care of yourself as well (bet every woman would envy someone who does not brush their teeth, take showers, wash hands after going to the bathroom, pick nose). Sorry--if you find that attractive--than I am guilty of leaving over physical appearance. As far as leaving because of financial strains--I make more money than he does. I just wanted to make sure we both were financially secure and were able to keep as much of our peronsal assets--if that is selfish--than once again I am guilty. I have been honest in the fact that I have told him I am not attracted to him. My fault is that I am not being honest about leaving. I am not bailing out because of the things you mentioned--if that were the case, I would have left a long time ago. I stayed for the sake of him and the kids, as I know they would be devasted. I am not getting any younger and for once in my life--I am going to be selfish and think of myself!!! Thanks for all your input though...
I still think you should wait till after the holidays, it is only two weeks away, if you waited 7 years, 2 weeks aren't gonna seem that bad. I can see you are ready and your mind is made up sweet. Take care of the babies best you can!
I can understand that those things are not pleasant, but I doubt that he was different before you had the children. He probably considers other things more important based on his upbringing. Sounds like he may have grown up in a poor family or at least one in which those things were not what the value of a person was based on.
If those things are so important to you, make them fun for him. He honestly might not think of them on his own, or he may be just too lazy or thinking and believing that it doesn't matter... You may feel that you shouldn't have to oversee him in these things, but I would think that if you lay down the law that it is going to be done, that you want your kids to do it, and expect him to set a good example for them, that he will eventually do it. You have to reward him for it constantly, and it might take awhile. He didn't learn the habits quickly, and it might take a while for him to change... not just because you tell him a few times...
You might find that he will seriously try if he knows that you are at the point of leaving, but dont expect him not to slip back into the old ways unless you keep after him about it. You might have to keep reminding him and stressing how important it is to you. I know it might seem like he doesn't want to change, but I believe that he will if you go after it and perhaps even get him into counseling with you to explore how he developed his habits as well as the importance of changing them.
I see a relationship with no communication in it at all. Maybe 7 years of not bonding, and working together is enough. Maybe your right, and need to set him free. I still can't see how you married a guy who didn't bath or brush his teeth, but we all are different. Good luck to all of you.
I did marry my husband and have children with him because he was a good man and I thought that I could get over the fact that I was not attracted to him. However, it is VERY difficult to be intimate with someone when those feelings of intimacy are not there. My intent is not to take everything away from him (even if it sounded that way). In fact, it is just the opposite: Neither one of us can make the house payments without the other, so I want to be sure we can sell the house and not get stuck with two payments. I want to make sure that he is able to afford to keep the truck and camper. I am leaving everything to him (ie., furniture, etc.) and starting over. Finally, I will not take his kids away--he is their father. I have talked with a counselor. Her advise was to tell him the truth ASAP. However, I felt it was awful to bring this up before the holidays. Not sure if that is the right thing to do, but is there ever going to be a good time??!! I know I am going to be the bad guy here, but I just want everyone to know that I am tired of hurting my husband. He deserves someone who can give him what he needs in return--I am not that person!!! I myself am pushing 40--I deserve to be happy (not content) as well!!
Don't worry about anything (bills, material objects, etc) until you talk to him. This is one more thing you two will have to work out together once the process of divorce begins. You can't really predict how he'll react anyway... you might divide/sell things amicably, you might have to get a lawyer to mediate. No sense it worrying about that now.
Tell before the holidays? Only you can decide.
It will never be the "right" time to tell him you're leaving, so you have to decide for your family. Will it hurt more to hear it NOW or to hear it later and realize that there was a black cloud hanging over your head the entire time? As for that, in time he'll realize that black cloud was hanging over his marriage long before the holidays of 2007.
First of all being a grandmother raising 2 grandbabies from a broken home I see things differently then some. My grandkids do miss their parents very badly, ( not so much the 2 yr old he doesn’t really know who they are) but listening to the oldest one who is 8 recall the tension and signs of trouble in the relationship is enough for me to say end it now. Depending on the children’s age, don’t you think they know mommy and daddy dont hug, kiss or show affection like other parents they see? This is just my 2 cents for whatever it is worth to you, I just can't understand why you even married him, I saw some not so nice things about my husband of almost 3 years, but ya know what, there were probably some not so nice things I did subconsciously that he saw. We are all human and I have to wonder if this isn't just the excuse you chose to use, (his hygiene issues) something in my gut tells me that there is someone else. I might be wrong, but you never once have mentioned that you talked to him about his hygiene issues. My friend was somewhat like your husband and I would continue to call her on it, make jokes to her about her breath, or coming out of her bathroom and telling her the bathtub said it missed her, maybe she needed to visit it more often. After about 6 months of me calling her out she is now MS Clean I know your mind is made up, but take it from me, your kids are going to suffer, your husband will suffer as well, and all over the fact he needs some help in the hygiene department? Seems to me something else is really the problem, I mean after all you must have been intimate at least 2 times that we know of. When you told him you were not attracted to him did you ever state why? How old is he? If you think the grass is greener on the other side, YOU ARE IN FOR A RUDE AWAKENING! Good luck ion whatever you do, but be HONEST as to the reason why, and I find that thinking of yourself first is very very selfish, and not something a mother with children should ever say. You think I want to be 47 yrs old raising 2 little kids? You damn right I don't, but taking them into my home was the most UNSELFISH thing I could have done for them.
Your are right--I am not being honest with myself. When it comes down to it, he is more my "best friend" than my "husband". I do love him, but I am not in love with him. His personal hygiene has been brought to his attention many times throughout the course of our years together, and although it gets better for a time, old habits are hard to break. I am 6 years older than him (he is 33), and sometimes I feel as though I am his mother--he already has one of those!! I got pregnant after being with him for only three months and thought at that time that I could overlook my intimacy issues, as I new that physical appearance was not as important as every thing else that we had in common Thus, that is why I have been with him for this long. However, being touched when you don't want to be touched is an aweful feeling (past experience) and it is getting to be too uncomfortable for me. He knows I do not want to me intimate, but he pursues until I finally give in. Selfish??? My kids are ages 6 and 5--right now, they see that we are happy, as we do not fight and we do give hugs and kisses. However, staying with him and giving my kids the wrong impression of love is very selfish of me--do I want my kids to settle at love when they get older??HELL NO!!! The grass probably isn't greener on the other side, but staying in dead grass isn't fun either--it hurts!!!. I have feelings as well. If I was only thinking of myself, I wouldn't be on this website asking for advise!!!
I know your mind is made up, but take it from me, your kids are going to suffer, your husband will suffer as well, and all over the fact he needs some help in the hygiene department? Seems to me something else is really the problem, I mean after all you must have been intimate at least 2 times that we know of. When you told him you were not attracted to him did you ever state why? How old is he? If you think the grass is greener on the other side, YOU ARE IN FOR A RUDE AWAKENING! Good luck ion whatever you do, but be HONEST as to the reason why, and I find that thinking of yourself first is very very selfish, and not something a mother with children should ever say. You think I want to be 47 yrs old raising 2 little kids? You damn right I don't, but taking them into my home was the most UNSELFISH thing I could have done for them.
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