I have been married for close to 17 years. I am 47 and my husband is 3 and half years yonger than myself. We have 2 wonderful girls who are 16 and 13. Before I start, let me just say my husband is not gay nor is he having an affair (trust me I have checked). There has been no extra marrital affairs outside our marriage. With that said..........
My husband is not loving, nor affectionate to me in anyway. He is not the least bit interested in sex. Even when I try to intiate anything (sex, touching him, kiss him or anything intimate in anyway) he either ignores me, turns away or turns me down. This has been going on for years. But actually has gotten much worse. I think we have had sex maybe 3 times in the last 3-4 years and its always me that intiates it. I have told him for years that I am lonely. I am dying for any type of affection from him, but literally have exhausted all means. What makes it worse, is when I do talk to him about it, he acts like he could care less about my wants or needs. I take great care of myself and men tell me all the time how attractive I am. I work hard at looking nice and taking extra care to be esp. attentive and show that I am happy to be with him and even try flirting. Again, nothing seems to ever work.
I know that he is not totally void of affection, because he is very affectionate with my girls. He kisses them, hugs them...etc. But then when it comes to me, zilch. He has told me lately (in one of my many talks) that he has never been fond of touching people or people touching him. He tells me he just tolerates it with me, when I try to put my hand on his leg or something. I can try to snuggle next to him on the couch, and I can tell he will not reciporcate. If I ask him for a kiss or a hug, he gives me a fake one. Like its killing him with no sincereity behind it at all.
I am dying inside. I have told him and he knows I am on the verge of making some sort of change. But still...never a change in him. I am scared that when my girls are gone, that I will be even more lonely than I am now, if that is possible at all. My husband is a good provider and wonderful dad and he acknowledges the fact that he isnt a very good husband to me when it comes to this. But that is as far as it goes. I am so torn inside. I am a very loyal person, but honestly now I wonder if I should leave to have that second chance with someone else who can give me what I want or need. I fight the tears back everyday..............help!
Wow - then I have no advice at all. I can't imagine living like you are, I really can't.
Is your husband at all concerned/worried about the lack of initimacy?
No, he doesnt seem to be, at all. It is beyond frustrating and yes Judy, I am literally dying inside. Everyday is difficult and I cant help but to start doubting my self worth. I have been married so long, that I am truely scared of striking out on my own and seem to keep putting it off.
Thanks for your reply tho! Just wondering what others would do in my place!
Have your girls to your sidefirst ,tell them that you re leaving their dad,you dont want to end up losing the three of them.Have divorce on the spot,have your chance and have sex everyday,kisses hugs and everything,,fair enough what you ve done.
It is an issue that you will both regret, if you don't tackle it now. To go on this way for so long, has become the status quo. This requires a big change in him to find a loving side, and a healthy sexual relationship with you, which you have every reason to expect.
Judy suggested a Doctor, and I agree. He needs to be physically checked out. He may be putting up a false front if he has erectile difficulties, or is self-conscious or feeling pressured to have sex, when he knows he cannot perform.
There may be underlying problems too. Is he a workaholic? Is he putting in long days and extra hours? Has he ever had a problem with alcohol or drugs?
When the desire goes, there is a reason for it. It is not a healthy man you are dealing with, when the intimacy isn't there naturally. That is a huge chunk of married life that he chooses not to address, and I don't buy for a second that he realizes that it is a problem. He's just hoping it will go away. And of course, it won't.
Address this with him in a calm way. Tell him that it is really important that the two of you get to the bottom of this. Be willing to accept what he tells you, because it may not be what you want to hear. See if opening up some conversation might not steer him in the direction of the Doctors office.
I think it would be a terrible life to live with a man you love, and he doesn't love you back.
What your husband is saying is that he is not prepared to make the effort - either to meet your needs, or even to understand why he is like this. Perhaps he thinks it will go away?
It's interesting that he is affectionate with your daughters, but not with you. Do you think that he actually loves you, or that he just stays becasue it's easier than leaving?
I agree that it would be useful to see a doctor, have the hormone levels checked, etc.
But. And it's a big but. What I see is that this is a pattern that has persisted for 17 years. Clearly it doesn't distress him and he's not worried that you're distressed. This is the part that worries me. He's not concerned about you. He's not concerned about what you're feeling.
Time to up the ante I reckon. Tell him that it's a deal breaker for you. Appointments with doctors and counselors are a must. His response will tell you what you want to know, and if he agrees to see them you will be in a better position to make a decision for yourself.
No, he doesnt seem to be, at all. It is beyond frustrating and yes Judy, I am literally dying inside. Everyday is difficult and I cant help but to start doubting my self worth. I have been married so long, that I am truely scared of striking out on my own and seem to keep putting it off.
Thanks for your reply tho! Just wondering what others would do in my place!
I would get my thoughts in order and tell him exactly how I feel. I wouldn't be confrontational but I would be sure he understood what I was saying.
It's entirely possible the marriage is dead for whatever reason; it's also possible that it is not.
Only you know how much time and effort you want to put forth in a continuing attempt to get some affection from your husband.
I know all about being married and being afraid to be out there on your own - it's a big, scary world full of couples. On the other hand, you are still young enough to pick up your life and go on if that is your decision. Believe me, you're a lot stronger than you think you are.
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