I'm at my wits end.
A year ago I discovered that my husband was having a 3 month long affair with a woman at the post office that he goes to frequently. I found out thru phone records. He said he was going to tell me, just that he hadn't found the right time yet. He wanted to break it off with her first. Ok, well whatever. He didn't even break it off with her right away. It lasted another month (behind my back) all the while him telling me how bad he felt and nearly begging me to stay. He said he couldn't believe that he did something like that. He said he's always set a high moral standard for himself and he's learned from his mistake.
So a year has gone by, and I still feel like it was yesterday. I remember one night while I was so distraught, that I drank way too much and we got in to it and I went in to the kitchen, grabbed a knife and said "you've killed me already so I might as well die" and proceeded to cut my wrist. 10 stitches later I found myself at home just moping around not believing what I had done. I laid in a makeshift bedroom I made (actually a large closet) for nearly 3 weeks barely eating and I think suffering from post traumatic stress.
So that's the history on my story.
My real problem now is that I stayed. Even though he won't communicate with me and let me know what was going on in his head at the time and why he did it. All he says is that I made him feel like crap most of the time. Mind you, I'm not going to take the blame for him cheating. If he was feeling so crappy, then he should have sat me down and talked to me. He's landscaper and doesn't work most days in the winter. I would come home from work and nothing would be done. Nothing. So, what was I supposed to do? Keep my frustration bottled up? Ofcourse I was pissed off to come home to a messy house. He doesn't see it that way. I should have done all the housework, cooking and work full time while he did whatever he damn well pleased. Am I being unreasonable?
I can't tell you the amount of arguments we've had since the affair. All because he won't give me the answers that I so desperately need! why?!?!!!!! Give me the real reason please!!! I know there has to be more to it than him saying "I just felt like crap". So now I can't get over the affair and I don't know what to do. I know that I should have left on the spot, but I loved him.
Does anyone have any suggestions for me? please?

Jesushelper76

Mediator and counseling. Somebody from the outside looking in will be able to help both of you open up. Now stop being so stubborn which is part of your problem and get into some marriage counseling.

Joe

talaniman

When people cheat, its all about their needs are not being met, and in there minds its okay to look out for themselves. The truth is they are selfish, and cannot or do not know how to communicate with their partner, and so they take the easy way out. And we all know the emotional storm that wrecks on lives and emotions. If he will not go to counseling with you, you should go yourself and get guided thru the process of healing, that you have denied yourself for far to long. Decisions made under duress, or impulse hardly ever work, so make your mental health a priority. This is a process, and in no way a quick fix, so you have to be willing to invest the time. Decisions will be much better once you are on a healing path, and can think clearly and reasonably.

whiteladybug2002

If he won't talk you can't make him and that is too bad, but I agree with talaniman's suggestion above about getting yourself into counseling. I went to counseling by myself, my husband never went with me!!

chippers

the fact your first reaction was to cut your wrist scares me. and that you literally put yourself away for 3 weeks in a make shift bedroom. youhurt yourself and hid from him and I bet he didn't even blink. that shows you where his priorities ly, with himself. he can't tell you the reasons because I doubt he can really explain it. when my hubby cheated and badically laid blame on my feet and not knowing any better I took it. the frustration and the anger and the hurt built up to the point I had chest pain. then one day I literally blew him away. (we separated and managed to get back toeghter) even after the affair, I'd ask him what made him do what he did. his response was it was none of my business. if that didn't wake me up nothing would. so I told him exactly how I felt. how he shamed and made me feel like a tramp in my own bed. that sleeping with his misstress he put me and our son at risk. I didn't care about his excuses anymore but what I was feeling. when he tried to talk, I wouldn't let him. I didn't want to hear his excuses or anything else. I needed to feel better and move on and heal. in doing what I did and making him sit there and listen to me I felt like I had wings and soured. I also told him that I loved him that I forgave him this but if he did it again, we were done and the kids were coming with me.
You can't get over it becuase it still bothers you. all the pent up hurt and anger are eatting you alive. no matter what his reasons were, to you they will always be excuses. you need to sit him down and tell him how it was for you when you found out not once but the second time. we all have troubles in our marraiages but no one put a gun to his head to have an affair. which is basically getting sex on the side. I know it hurts and you love him . but you have to put yourself forward and heal too. councelling as the others mentioned is wonderful. if he doesn't want to go then dont let that stop you. go for yourself. its commom for cheatting partners to blame the non cheater for their woes. its how theyu justify why they do it.

talaniman

I think this has been a problem for a long time and has gotten worse since no one worked on it.
So who isn't willing now? Forget the money, this is your life. Now that he is willing, let a counselor show you how to communicate and work together. This may be the only way to get your answers and learn to work together to solve your problems.

tobeamiss

thank you everyone for your replies. I've read each and every one of them thoroughly and will take your advice. I'm going to counseling, with or without him. I have to work on 'me' and making myself whole again. If he wants to come with me, then good. If not, then I'll keep going to help myself become strong enough so I can make the decisions that I'll be able to live with. Thanks again.