I have been married for 22 years- mostly happy. I love my husband but not sure if I am "in love" with him. He's a very good man- we have two children together (21 and 18 years of age).

The problem is 25 years ago I was in love with a boyfriend (we'll call him Joey). I broke up with him because he wasn't ready for marriage and really wasn't very settled (we dated 2 1/2 years). We never argued much during that relationship- and honestly: when I broke up with him - I almost died. He would come by and beg me to take him back and I would cry and cry. It was devastating. I never told him why I broke up with him. I then immediately started dating my husband.

It was a great relationship-- but really, on my wedding day.. I just wanted to run away. 4 years into my marriage- I called my ex- one night- I just wanted to make sure he was okay and happy. He was divorced- and had a child he was raising alone. But he told me on that phone call that he loved me and always would and hoped I would be okay.

I was just having a rough time- just pressures of married life with 2 small children. Now with Facebook comes other issues- I found him on there- I sent him a nice message- trying to be careful not to upset his 2nd wife. He returned the message and it was nice- no emotion at all.. That has been the extent of our contact.

But now, I can't stop thinking about him. I get pretty emotional when I think about him. I am not sure how to get over him again. I miss his friendship, sweetness- and I honestly would love to be friends with him but not sure how that would work for either one of us. I know my brain tells me to leave the past behind.. but omg.. I am really struggling. My home life is good-- but my relationship with my husband is strained due to his lack of intimacy with me. I am wondering if I am having a mid-life crisis or is it because I didn't deal with the real reason of the break-up many years ago. Help!

Sounds like he is happily married now though so there would be no point. Also 22 yrs of marriage is not something to just throw away. Marriage is hard work and a partnership. Think of how devastated your husband would be if you left. We all have the "what if" with past relationships but there's no going back. You say you never argued, well people change and you mightn't be as compatible as you think. Often people who leave their spouse end up having the same problems in the new relationship. You can have your fantasies but at the end of the day, that's all it will be. Stop contact and work on your marriage first. Sounds like there is still a lot of love there for your husband.

He is now married and he is not contacting you per your message you are pursuing him. Think about this fantasy and really that is what this is.

Project yourself to the future and imagine that you do go through with this. What are the consequences: how many broken hearts, how will it affect the children, and what assurances do you have that you won't have to live with a lot of guilt? And possibly end with having a broken heart also.

Way too many disadvantages for everyone, and for what? A possible past mistake that may or may not be rectified.

The situation in your present marriage does not seem insurmountable. It can be revitalized with some effort and the results can be quite surprising if you honestly try.

Bottom line to me is that those words were a vow, a vow of integrity.

Maybe you were looking for us to say 'go for it!' I am sorry but I can't go there and I believe that you shouldn't either.

Talk to your husband about your misgivings and his lack of intimacy and possibly seek counseling.

Stringer

I know everything you've both written is true.. Thanks for your answers..

Work on your marriage and leave the fantasy alone. It is so not worth it.
This guys is married, don't bring him into your fantasy.
Your children are older, do you have hobbies, things you enjoy doing?
Maybe you and your husband can take a weekend trip, start going on weekly dates.

Your nest is about to empty and that can throw things off kilter but this can be a time to build and improve the relationship with your husband. He is reality.

Tripping over a boyfriend from 25 years ago will not bring intimacy to your marriage. Talk to your husband, and leave the ex alone. You got over him once, do it again. If you need friends, get some.