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    Musicman50usa's Avatar
    Musicman50usa Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 19, 2007, 10:27 AM
    Married only 2 month now and thinking I want a Divorce.
    I have been living single/divorced in my home purchased in my last marriage for 15 years now. I own my home myself. I have been divorced for 11 years now from my first marriage. I just got married (Second Marriage) 2 months after a rocky dating period of about 1 year. This is my second marriage.
    Previously for my 11 years single I had for the most part enjoyed being single, and really have only been alone for only 1 years since both my teenage daughters lived with me after my first marriage ended 11 years ago. They are both married now, and have kids of their own, and I am very close to them. So I have lived alone for about 1.5 years now.
    I dated a woman Beverly (Not her real Name) for almost 10 years (Off AND On) while my kids lived with me but never wanted to marry her, she was attractive and pretty, but laid back, and more introverted then spontaneous like myself, I am more extroverted. We never lived together both had separate homes. Anyway I would secrectly date other woman even while seeing her on the side for years over this 10 year period. She must have known I was doing this because I would not call her for weeks at a time, but eventually we would just out on a date or two, dinner and a movie. Seemed normal for us, I kept looking for a better woman, and she was OK to sit at home and wait till we might get together again. We did break up severe times but always got back together again somehow when I got lonely again she enjoyed or conversations and the way we were such close friends.

    I dated numerous woman on the internet, and really enjoyed the joy of meeting someone new and exciting, most never worked out for long, I always found fault and ended the relationship.

    Then last year I met a woman Sally (Not her real name) from an internet dating site that I felt was sexy, intelligent, witty, emotional, and we fell in love almost immediately, talked for hours, held hand, all the stuff that romance is made of. I felt Sally was "Cute" but not actually "Pretty" in her appearance, I seemed to overlook that fact as she had a cut sexy body, and could dress pretty cute in her own way. I felt all those romantic feelings that I loved and seemed to crave. We dated for 4 weeks and I asked her to marry me, but several weeks later I pulled back thinking we were not ready, Actually I was the one not ready, and did not want to give up my single lifestyle, and believe it or not, I still would go out with my old girlfriend Beverly (The 10 year old relationship) again once in awhile, I guess I hoped we would fall in love again, but I never could quite get the feeling back with her, even though deep down inside I think she was always "The one " for me.

    ANyway my new girlfriend Sally was getting inpatient with me as I only wanted to date on weekends, and I was losing my physical attraction for her, She tried to end us several times in those last few months and I or she would get us back together. Finally in September 06 we called it quits, and she cut me off coldly, no phone calls, no email. This lasted for 3 weeks and I was devastated, I lost 12 Lbs, could not sleep, and was an emotional wreck.. I swore to myself if we got back together I would sell my home, and everything I owned to start a new life with her. Well on the 4th week she called me and wanted to talk, we met and being the emotional romantics we are I told her I would give up everything for her, and she accepted my offer of engagement. We then lived together for 3 weeks in preparation of marriage when I did not know was she was at least five thousand dollars in debt, $2500 in credit card debt. I shrugged it off thinking it could be resolved, but find out she has no control over money, can't save any, and has nothing of value, lives pay check to pay check, and two year ago she and her ex husband filed bankruptcy. When I found out I wanted demanded Prenup agreement stating we keep all finances individually. I did not want to get involved in her debts, and I did not want some bill collector coming after me and my assets. She agreed, and I wanted to protect my home, and my savings account I have worked on my whole life to save. Not much b any mean but may allow me to one day retire with my house paid off, and a few grand in the bank to help live on for a few years.

    Sally and I were happy in the 3 weeks before marriage, but after the marriage everything went downhill. Her 20 year old son moved in (Very nice kid) but it took away the private part of our life, and we ad to move all her stuff into storage, and she also had two small dogs that are incontenent and hard to deal with. I have Big Large Yellow Lab, and the one little dog starts fights with mine all the time. I do not allow dogs in my bed on on my furnature, she thinks this is OK, I will not allow it. And now my house is full to the brim of her stuff and my stuff, and I personally own more than 10 men should own in gadgets and stuff. My Garage is stacked to the brim full of boxes that need to be sold and a yard sale or eBay. We are no longer intimate, and I am no longer attracted to her as I once was, in fact I do not fine her attractive.

    Now I wonder what I found attractive in her to begin with. We have already discussed divorce in a non angry way, but it still hurts. She want to make it work, I really don't, and she wants to be realistic. She is not very organized, can't keep a clean house, can't cook well, is emotionally up and down, and hard to live with at times. And to be honest I am very hard to live with, and have a ton of problems on my own.

    I think we made a big mistake getting married, and I feel an obligation to help move her out and get her another apartment, I know this will cost me a few thousand, but I want my single lifestyle back. I'm pretty sure this is the right thing to do, and she would be much happier on her own again, even though she will end up bankrupt all over again in time as she can't manage her money.

    As for me I want to be single again, I like being in control of my life, and have the freedon to go as I please, and visit my kids when I want to , go take a weekend off when I want to and have no one else to contend with. I think I should be single, I don't share things well, and I want to be in control of what I own. Another big mistake is her living in "My Home", I was sure we could make it "Our Home" but I don't think that is possible, deep down inside I feel it mine. I bought it 15 years ago, and I won all the equity in it. She come in brankrupt and broke, and wants to have an equal share in everything. I just don't think that will ever happen. I am to posessive and I have seen many men loose everything in a divorse.

    So I am the worst man alive right?
    A Looser?

    AM I doing the right thing here? IS a divorce the right thing to do now?
    It will only be worse later, the longer we wait, and I don't see how it could possile work out.

    We have both talked with councelors with no real answers.
    I think we are set in our ways and at 55 will not change..

    Help anyone?

    Please?
    ordinaryguy's Avatar
    ordinaryguy Posts: 1,790, Reputation: 596
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    #2

    Jan 19, 2007, 11:32 AM
    Sounds pretty hopeless to me. You both have major issues. Why in the world you thought this would work is beyond me. At 25, maybe it would be understandable, but at 55, you really should have known better. I'd say pay whatever it costs to get out of it and take it as a very expensive lesson.
    tamed's Avatar
    tamed Posts: 255, Reputation: 33
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    #3

    Jan 19, 2007, 01:07 PM
    I'd have to agree. You sound like you already have the solution thought up in your head and you just want someone to give you the go ahead. A few things I have noticed in your thread is that you like to be in control of things and at your age there is nothing wrong with that. However, you are also afraid of being alone (or ending up alone) which is why I think you felt the need to get married - to have security. Unfortunately, security comes with a price and I think that it is a price you are unwilling to pay just yet. That's fine, it doesn't make you a bad person, you just like your space and you want to keep things at a distance and because you've already had a life it makes it harder to want things to work.
    Having said all of this, they do say that the first year of marriage is the worst and it seems as though you are experiencing this first hand. You could either hang in there and try to work things out (knowing that it will take a while) or you could just give and call it a day. Either way, you are a grown man capable of making your own decisions and no one will fault you on your decision.
    Good luck
    momincali's Avatar
    momincali Posts: 641, Reputation: 242
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    #4

    Jan 19, 2007, 01:22 PM
    As sad as it sounds, I think you are on the right track. Divorce her and go your separate ways. I don't think you're a looser or the worst man alive. I think you were hopeful of a good life with your new wife and the reality you had been ignoring right in front of you finally tackled you. Now that she's in your face there's no where to hide and you can't deny the truth.

    I think the noble thing to do would be to just pay for her to move out since you know she doesn't have a penny to fall back on. However, I would suggest you first try and tell her you will pay for half but expect her to help you with the other half, even if you have to front the money and she has to pay you back in monthly payments. She has to be held accountable by someone. Staying with her will only give you more trouble.
    Musicman50usa's Avatar
    Musicman50usa Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jan 19, 2007, 10:29 PM
    I thank everyone for their suggestions and ideas. I guess it's true I have it already figured out in my own mind. I just feel so badly about everything. I am a very kind hearted and loving person. I have a few close friends and close family ties to fall back on. I guess I realize that I was afraid of being alone. You know how people, and friends are they always say "When are you going to get remarried again" , "Your not getting any younger" these questions always hurt in a way. And I feel like the older I get no one will want me. But I realize that there are just as many older women out there that still want to date older men, even 55 year old men like me. I do love this woman very much on some level, and the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt her, but I am actually hurting her because we both know its not working out. The worst part is she is not from this area and has no close personal friends to lean on, but she is very out going and has made new friends at work. I feel it would be noble to help her get a nice little apartment and pay to help move her out, but I am not willing to pay for any of her old debts. But I could help her for a few months and pay 1/2 her rent while she gets settled in again. I am going to get her started in a financial management class. She is very out going and a hard worker, and she is strong in many ways so she will survive. I on the other hand have to move on, and not look back as I will tend to do. I do tend to burry myself in shame and remorse with things like this, and I did not do very well after my first divorce of 20 years. But I am best friends with my ex wife and her husband, and hopefully we will remain friends after some healing takes place.

    Does anyone have any other ideas or suggestions?

    I would really appreciate any thoughts, this is a very scary move I am about to take.

    Do you think we should take our time about this? I guess we should get past the hard part, and start looking for a place for her to live.

    Its very difficult for me to do this, I just know deep down inside it will never work.

    Again much thanks for everyone's thoughts, and what a great place this is to have found.

    Quote Originally Posted by ordinaryguy
    Sounds pretty hopeless to me. You both have major issues. Why in the world you thought this would work is beyond me. At 25, maybe it would be understandable, but at 55, you really should have known better. I'd say pay whatever it costs to get out of it and take it as a very expensive lesson.
    Thanks Ordinary guy.. I think you summed it up correctly. A very expensive lesson in life :(
    s2tp's Avatar
    s2tp Posts: 299, Reputation: 61
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    #6

    Jan 19, 2007, 10:54 PM
    Musicman,

    I actually think you are a great guy.. not a loser or the worst man alive at all.

    Yeah you made a mistake thinking you loved this woman enough to bring her into your life, but it seems as though that was the peer pressure, loneliness and guilt that made you want to marry her- not love.

    We all make mistakes though, and I believe it is how you handle those mistakes that shows what kind of person you are. The worst man and loser guy would have dumped this woman out on the road, they would not care for her and most likely they would cheat on her if they did stay together.

    You are being an honest man, you know what you are and are not capable of in this marriage, but you are willing to make things right for her and for you so that you will both be happier in the end.

    I think it is very nice that you are willing to help her move out, and assist her for a few months while she is getting back on her feet. I would not expect you to take in any of her debt, she has a job and if she does take the financial training she can handle the debt herself. I don't believe that is your responsibility.

    It is good that you and her are still able to talk and discuss the divorce, and I do believe it is the best choice. From what you have said, it doesn't sound like you are willing to let her into your life fully, as a wife should be.

    In the end, you are a grown man. You know who you are, you know what you want so whatever decision you make from here is your decision, nobody else's. You say you have a lot of problems, and it may be true, but you sound like a fair and kind man, so I would think you will handle this situation the best way that it can be handled.

    As for calling this other girlfriend of 10 or so years as 'the one' I am not so sure about that. It sounds like again you are just not wanting to be alone, so you look to her since she has been there for you for so long. You say she does not match you personality and she obviously doesn't attract your attention for very long if you enjoy dating other women so much. Just don't make the mistake of thinking this is the woman you want to marry now. Don't just try to fill in that void.

    My own grandfather is divorced 2 or 3 times, and he has had one girlfriend for 10+ years but they will probably never get married. They are happy as they are, living with each other and enjoying their lives. There are other reasons for them not to get married, but its kind of twisted so I won't explain, lol. But he is very happy just having a girlfriend. I don't think that at our age marriage is needed. You have had your marriage, your children etc. Your family and friends may pressure you to have a wife, but it sounds like you are just not cut out for it. I think you enjoy life, and if you enjoy the single life with girlfriends here and there, then enjoy it... as long as you aren't hurting them or using them that is...

    I wish you the best of luck Musicman...
    Musicman50usa's Avatar
    Musicman50usa Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Jan 21, 2007, 12:15 AM
    Wow! I feel so blessed to have found this place (Askmehelpdesk.com). The insight and the time total strangers have spent to share their thoughts with me have deeply moved me. Again Thanks to everyone, and especially to s2tp for her amazing almost intuition. I am feeling more comfortable preparing myself for ending this relationship. I know it will not be easy for her, and it will especially not be easy for me, but I truly believe it is best for both of us. I want to take it slowly and comfortably also. At this point I do not see any reason to rush this as we are not enemies or uncomfortable at the fact we are not working out. I know she would like it to, but is realistic also. I do love her as a person, and appreciate all her many talents and gifts. We all have our own unique special gifts and talents, and likewise we all have our own faults and weaknesses. I want to learn form my mistakes and be a better man, and I want her to learn from her mistake and be a better woman, and as long as we can bear our thoughts to one another we can grow through all of this.

    Music is my gift, guitar and vocals, and I love to share it with others, but I think I have come to realize that I am (At least at this point in life) more comfortable and more myself when I am not "Tied down" with one single person. I am more creative, and able to have many friendships with others as a single man. I have my whole life admired some people that have beautiful relationships and marriages, but I have equally seen just as many couples that were not meant to be together endure painful relationships, to afraid to start anew or move on to something fresh, either because of financial, or children being involved. So I guess I should say I am blessed to be where I am at this point where I am, to learn from my mistake, and to be tender and kindhearted to my present wife as we walk through this difficult time. I will do everything I possibly can to help her, knowing she would do the same for me. I pray we will always remain friends after the worst is behind us.

    Also s2tp, thanks for the mention of my relationship with the woman I dated on and off for 10 years. You are so right, even though we have always been friends for years, and at times lovers, I never though deep down it would ever work out. Had I married her, I think I would be in the same place I am now.

    I just need to stay positive as I walk though the ending of this relationship, because its very easy for me to get depressed at times like this. Although I may be outgoing, I am also very meloncoly, and introspective to a fault.

    So Thanks again everyone, and any more thoughts or ideas much appreciated.
    RubyPitbull's Avatar
    RubyPitbull Posts: 3,575, Reputation: 648
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    #8

    Jan 26, 2007, 07:35 AM
    You wrote above: At this point I do not see any reason to rush this as we are not enemies or uncomfortable at the fact we are not working out. I know she would like it to, but is realistic also.

    Musicman, I am not trying to be unkind here, just trying to help you think things through. I am just curious at why you feel you need to wait it out when you rushed into this marriage. You need to really think on this. Is it just guilt over her changing her life completely for you? If that is the case, it will not help the two of you to drag things out. Even though you tried counseling (together or separate?) you say you have only been married two months. I don't think you have given a counselor enough time to help you find a comfortable resolution to your problem. Please don't negate the use of one. There is no "quick fix" to a situation like this. You really need to find a counselor that you are comfortable with. Just yourself. Not together. This sounds like a decision you need to make yourself. And you need a professional who can help you work this through to come to the decision that is right for you, to help you understand why you have chosen the paths you have with women, and how you can change your habits so you can be happy with your life. At 55, you deserve to be at a place in your life where you are comfortable and if not happy, at least content. I hope this helps. All the best,.
    Musicman50usa's Avatar
    Musicman50usa Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Jan 28, 2007, 01:54 PM
    Thanks Ruby,
    I think you are right in taking some time to sort through this. My wife and I are not fighting or in turmoil, we even had a long discussion on her moving into her own apartment the other night. She is very sad as I am also, but I think we both know it was a mistake. She is getting some very good counseling from a Christian Counselor. This Lady told her to not be angry or bitter and to put God first in her life and find inner peace. And has told her that its OK if the marriage ends but to work on herself and her relationship with God, and as to why she felt a need to get married in the first place.

    I too went to a different counselor myself, but did not find any answers from him, except I needed to get right with God, "Work on my relationship with God".. Been down that road before, but I need to know why I did this, and why I jumped in to this marriage knowing the odds I faced. My intentions were pure at heart, but not very logical.
    One of my closet friends told me that I am obsessed to Romance, and the whole act of dating, courting, and everything that goes with a new relationship. And I guess she is correct, and Marriage is not about romance so much as it is with commitment. And with all the problem my new wife brings in to the marriage its just plain overwhelming and does not seem worth the effort to try to fix something that is just not meant to be.

    I am a Christian, and this complicates everything and adds more quilt, and shame. And as a christian I believe that divorce is not Gods perfect plan, but then maybe it was not Gods perfect plan for us to get married either. I am sure we would both be the talk of the church we attend, if we divorce and judged by some people. I am willing to accept that and move on, maybe even consider another church to attend.

    I guess the bottom line here is, should I just take the time to get some more counseling, or should I say better counseling?

    Because I don't want to make yet another mistake by rushing to yet another quick decision that I may regret because it was not well thought out.

    And to be honest the whole process of a divorce turns my stomach. I did this once before 16 years ago, after a 20 year marriage. Granted this should be much easier as we have no community property, or children to deal with.

    I want to end this relationship, but I don't want to hurt anyone in the process. I want to do the right thing, and do everything I can to be sure we do this right.

    Comments anyone?
    Ideas, or thoughts appreciated...

    Much Thanks..
    RubyPitbull's Avatar
    RubyPitbull Posts: 3,575, Reputation: 648
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    #10

    Jan 28, 2007, 02:23 PM
    Musicman, I understand your being tied to you faith. Counseling from a man of the cloth can help in most situations. But, considering that your prior counselor is telling you to "work on your relationship with God", when you are specifically looking for counseling on your relationship with your wife, that doesn't seem to me to be advice that would be of help to you at the moment.

    You need to find a non-sectarian counselor. A family therapist. Someone who will be specifically dealing with your relationships with women and can help you sort out what is driving you to do the things you do, and eventually find the right path to social happiness.

    I am not saying do not go to Church or do not speak with your spiritual counselor. But, just keep in mind that he is just that, a spiritual counselor, not a relationship counselor.

    This is just my opinion. I hope it helps.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #11

    Jan 28, 2007, 04:47 PM
    You have made the same mistake many have except, you are older and should know better. You rushed into a relationship too fast without getting all the facts and now you find yourself regretting such hasty action. Your motives where very selfish in the first place and had you had someone else's interest at heart, you may have slowed down enough to make a better decision. So now the only way out is to help this female make the transition to being single again, and you will pay for your freedom this time and hope you remain single instead of turning another's life topsy turvy only to find this isn't what you wanted.
    Musicman50usa's Avatar
    Musicman50usa Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Jan 29, 2007, 10:20 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman
    You have made the same mistake many have except, you are older and should know better. You rushed into a relationship too fast without getting all the facts and now you find yourself regretting such hasty action. Your motives where very selfish in the first place and had you had someone else's interest at heart, you may have slowed down enough to make a better decision. So now the only way out is to help this female make the transition to being single again, and you will pay for your freedom this time and hope you remain single instead of turning another's life topsy turvy only to find this isn't what you wanted.
    I will have to disagree with you Talaniman. While you are correct I made a big mistake getting married so quickly, so did she make the same choice. WE both rushed into this marriage thinking one of us would change our minds again as we always did in the past.

    I read somewhere else on this forum that we are all a collection of experiences, wants, needs and patterns.

    My motives were NOT SELFISH maybe Dumb, and I had all intentions of loving her and making a commitment for the rest of my life with her. This whole marriage has cost me several thousand dollars, wedding, rings, moving expenses, many hours of work moving her into this house. All of this was because I truly felt we could make it work.

    Had we taken pre-marital counseling, none of this may have happened, guess at 55 thought we knew best, we didn't.

    Last night the two of us talked in depth about what we did, sadly we both realized that we both entered into this marriage with that small voice saying, to wait and not jump in so fast. But we were both equally in love and thought maybe if we just did it, committed to marriage, it would force us both to make it work out. WE both had good intentions, and BOTH wanted it to work out. I just knew she would fix the problems I have in my own life, and she felt I would be the one to take the burden of finances, and other problems from her. We would both make each other happy.

    But sadly again WE both now realize that we made a big mistake, and just because we felt such passion, does not mean we are compatible, or would make good partners in life.

    We calmly discussed her moving out, and that I would help her with the down payment of an apartment and help for a few months with 1/2 of the rent while she gets back on her feet. We both cried together as we discussed it. I do care for her, and she cares for me

    I am not so lucky as I have to stay here in this old run down house that needs thousands of dollars in repairs. I wish I could just move out also into a nice clean fresh apartment and start my own life over again. But this home is my retirement investment and all I have to retire on in a few years. I feel still trapped in a rut, and my lifestyle is not making me happy and I do not feel good at all about what is about to happen. We are both very sad about this, and we are still searching every avenue to make sure we don't make things worse.
    RubyPitbull's Avatar
    RubyPitbull Posts: 3,575, Reputation: 648
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    #13

    Jan 29, 2007, 10:31 AM
    Musicman, I am glad you are considering my suggestion about professional counseling. As I stated in an earlier post, at your age, you deserve to be content and free of the emotional and relationship problems that happen to the majority of us when we are young and haven't gained enough of life's experiences to make the right choices. You do need to find out why you continue to make these choices that are not emotionally or financially healthy for you.

    All the best to you and good luck!
    momincali's Avatar
    momincali Posts: 641, Reputation: 242
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    #14

    Jan 29, 2007, 10:50 AM
    Musicman, yes, unfortunately what you face in the near future is very sad. You both "felt" that this would be a good move, and like a couple of teenagers basically said damn the common sense and didn't give things the appropriate amount of time and thought needed to enter into such a sacred covenant.

    I think you guys were both selfish in jumping into this the way you did. You say you wanted someone who would "fix your problems" and she needed someone to lift her financial burdens. That's not making you both happy, that's finding your own fixes. You didn't give much thought to the other person's needs, like, is it fair for me to expect her to magically fix all my problems, can she handle that knowing she has problems of her own? And her, was it reasonable of her to think that you would come and erase all her financial debts, and since her habits haven't changed, her continual debt knowing that you were lonely and loved her and would do almost anything for this type of companionship? You don't get married just because you think you love someone and what the heck, you can scratch their back if they scratch yours. That's not what it's about. I know you loved her but love isn't enough. You owe it to each other to be sure that the person you are marrying meets all the qualifications necessary and not expect love to fix major flaws, that's not realistic. I would never tell my dad, brother, mother or daughter to marry someone who was financially irresponsible, no matter how much love they felt for that person. It wouldn't be sound advice. I also wouldn't advise them to marry someone who dated someone on and off for so many years, went back and forth and then married someone else almost off the cuff, doesn't seem very secure to me.

    You sound like a good man, but you also sound like a man who needs to be on his own for a little while. I know you were divorced for many years, but I mean, not dating anyone for a while. It's good you two had that talk and amicably reached a solution. I would sugegest once again, that once she's back on her feet, that she tries to reimburse you for half of the moving expenses and pays you back any rent you had to pay initially. I think not only is it fair, but it will teach her accountability, which she desperately needs.

    You are right, you were BOTH irresponsible, but you seem to be fixated in that fact, that we shouldn't be pointing the finger at just you. Well, you're here, she's not, if she were we would tell her the same thing.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #15

    Jan 29, 2007, 11:23 AM
    Not knowing her side I have no way to verify what you say and honestly if it was the done deal mutual break up you say what kind of advice would you be here looking for, so pardon my skepticism for a minute but the facts jump out for themselves, and at your age you should really have known better but if your helping in this transition then good, but it is so hard for me to sympathise with your actions and the effect it has on others. I hope you have learned what you should have known.

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