Ive known my husband over 10 years.. we were friends for half of it.. in time I fell in love with him.. we really clicked on so many things.. I have a son from a previous relationship.. Anyways I got all the promises.. that he loved me wanted to be with me and my son .. we were going to get married.. I could quit my job so I could spend more time with my son ..we would sell my small place and move into a house together.. life would be merry.. Well its a year later.. my husband is still living in his apartment and me and my son in my small townhouse.. my husband has made no strides to get us in one place..to be a family. When push comes to shove he will say that is ultimately what he wants.. but it is a year later and nothing. It is becoming very apparent to me he prefers living separately. Little remarks from him will be how he cant give up his place.. how he needs a place to retreat too.. Its a long story.. but basically he would come over every night he doesnt work.. instead of coming over at a reasonable time like 6 or so .. he now comes over around 9:30 when my son is almost in bed.. then leaves for his house early in the morning.. i feel like my own husband is just making a booty call.. He spends no time with my son which isnt different from when we first met.. but its even more distant.. he just talks about how in a few years he will be out of the house.. He is now focused just on his work where he is loved and adored.. he volunteers for covering other peoples shifts.. goes in on his days off.. I dont think he's like having an affair or anything ..i just think he doesnt want a real relationship with anyone.. he likes just living the bachelor life... I think my son and i just give him that "family thang" so he doesnt look abnormal being 45 and not married or in a relationship.. but its getting worse and worse.. the only times he shows any affection is when he and i "party" and Im half sloshed.. Talking about things is irrelevant.. he just gets angry and leaves.. and goes for days without calling. I used to call and be like are you ok? we need to work on things.. but all that does is make me do all the work and when he's good and ready will say ok lets work on things.. but it doesnt last.. I tried setting a family night where we played games and ate dinner together on Mondays.. that was short lived.. 2 mondays latter he laughs and goes ooops i planned a drinking night with guys from work on a Monday sorry forgot about family night.. I feel ive just woken from a dream and everything is just staring at me in my face.. i thought his lack of time with my son was he just needed time.. i thought him living in his own place was a transition with the true goal us being together.. i thought he spent lots of time at work because he was just a good manager.. The latest thing with his work was a trip to india to help set up office there.. He asked me during a "good talking time" if i would be ok with that.. I honestly said ..well would you be ok if i took a week away with work .. he goes no.. i said well thats how i feel.. That was the end of it.. then later he says hes getting India vaccines just in case.. i say so you are going? He goes its a just in case and got angry.. I said if you want to go its ok.. just let me know .. I mean you are getting vaccines that means you told your work you could go (its a purely volunteer situation) .. he goes i didnt say i could go its just in case! Then last week he goes .. im going to india the 2nd week of May for a week... As you can see we dont talk.. his work gets his priority.. i feel he doesnt even want my son and i as a family... I tell him and he just gets angry and calls me ungrateful for all he's done.. which is only giving us money for things.. Ive never been successful in relationships.. Noone before him has wanted a real relationship with me since i have a child.. I have no problems attracting guys.. but its always been short lived..they want to have a good time.. thats it.. im wondering is it me? i feel i just woke up from a bad dream.. like ive just spent this year being married trying to be the wife he wants.. the weird things just excusing them saying im paranoid and worried for nothing.. but actions are speaking so much louder than words.. I personally feel i should just get my home together since the promise of us all moving in together just isnt happening.. unpacking all i packed and making it a home my son enjoys again .. and getting a job so when my husband says how much he does for me he cant throw the Money thing in my face.. he is a wonderful person 9% of the time.. the other percent of the time its like im with a stranger that is so unhappy with me and my son and only gets enjoyment living the bachelor life.. the only thing he gets passionate and excited about is his fantasy of retiring on a ranch.. that is 20 years from now when my son is out of the hosue and im an old lady... I either want a family .. my son and me and someone that wants us to be their family and all that it means.. or would rather be just with my son .. me and him.. the emotional stress of this is getting to me.. i woke 2 days ago with aching pains in my side where i couldnt even roll over.. its still hard to walk..i know it is stress im pretty healthy and flexible and in good shape.. now my body is starting to freak out on me.. please help me.. if nothing else just listening helps so much because this is all bottled up .. its humiliating to tell my friends and family ..
He doesn't sound committed to you or your son by what you wrote. You say you have expressed that this is hurtful to your marriage and he refuses to deal with the situation. I don't think you can "fix" things. He has to be a willing participant in all the facets of your marriage along with you if it's going to work. I think he is being selfish and unfair to you. You need to make a drastic statement. Tell him you want to separate. Either he will want to make things work, or you'll know your marriage is over. Either way, you can't let your son grow up thinking this is how married people behave and treat one another. Allowing that could turn your son into a young man who will treat his wife the same way your husband does you. Besides, don't you deserve to be an equal partner? Don't your feelings and needs deserve to be met? OF COURSE! He is taking care of his #1. I think you need to do the same.
I have a friend in the same situation. She is now married close to 15 years. They still live separately.
So, I am giving you the same advice that I have given to my friend. If you are not happy and you are not getting any closer to a resolution, you need to speak with a counselor to help you figure out what is in your best interest. Don't wind up like my friend who decided to stay for the extra money she needed to pay bills. She is still so desperately unhappy. The only difference between the two of you is that her daughter IS his daughter as well. She is not a child from a different relationship, she is his daughter and he still will not move in with them.
Please take a look at your regional yellow pages. In the front, there is a section entitled Helpful Numbers. Look for the listings under Family Support Services. There should be a few numbers for counseling centers. They usually charge you based on what you can afford. Please call one of these numbers and make an appointment for youself. You need to discuss this with an objective third party who can help you think things through and figure out either how to make your relationship work for you, or to get a divorce and work on finding someone worthy of you who will make you happy.
Tell him it's time to sh!t or get off the pot. Get a job and stop taking money from him. Get counselling for yourself. Ask him to go to counselling with you. If he won't, file for divorce. This is no way to live. Take control and make something happen.
By the way, I make my living ranching, so you can tell him for me that his fantasy of retiring to a ranch is a stupid idea. It's a great way to live if you're serious about the business, but retirement, it isn't. The last person a working ranch needs hanging around is some dufus who wants to play cowboy.
Girl RUN don't walk out of this marriage. I hope you think before you give this man another 10yrs of life, which you CAN NOT get back. If he wants to be a bachelor
so bad, file the paper work and give him what he wants. He may think O well that is just great, but he will not be he same bachelor before he got married, he will be a bachelor that pays alimony.
YOU deserve better!
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