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    Marriage before College graduation?

    Asked Jul 31, 2006, 12:34 PM 20 Answers
    Hey there--

    Here is my issue. I am 20 years old, my boyfriend is 21. We have been dating for 4 years, since high school, and now attend the same college. We'll both graduate in 2008 but have spoken seriously about marriage for 2 years. We're both Christians but have had premarital sex (we weren't walking in our faith when we did and feel it may be unhealthy for our relationship to completely stop now- we do practice it safely). Aaand we recently moved in together with a friend of his as our roommate since I had no where else to live. Anyway, we're contemplating whether to get married in 2007 or 2008. The only reason to wait, as I see it, is to be more financially stable. But who says money should have that much control over your life? If we were married I'd feel better about living together and all that. If we wait, things could be hectic planning a wedding our senior year and the chance of us moving out of state for his grad school that same summer wouldn't be easy. I know neither one of us would give up on completing our BS degrees and we don't want children for a few years. We've been praying about it, and to me school and money don't justify our waiting to be married if we already act as if we are. However, I see people's points in that waiting you can save more money and just be older in general (which helps with the odds of divorce in those who marry young).. . advice?

    Last edited by mlrg123; Jul 31, 2006 at 02:43 PM.
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    Chery's Avatar
    Chery Posts: 3,667, Reputation: 698
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    #2

    Jul 31, 2006, 12:52 PM
    Hi dear, welcome to the forum.

    I'm not much into religion, so I feel that if you've been together for so long, and you both seen to know what you want, do what you feel right in doing. The main thing is to try to avoid stress - as that can put a damper on a lot of plans. How do you feel when you go to church? If your heart is really 'heavy' then you should plan on lightening it so that you can concentrate on your future and education.

    Wishing you a lot of luck!
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    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
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    #3

    Jul 31, 2006, 02:37 PM
    There is something to be said for graduating college as a single person, only don't ask me what it is! Ha ha Now with that said, I think it may be wise to set aside the finances and the living together (not necessarily the religion, just the living together part) and the college graduation even and ask yourselves both: When do I want to step this up and make that formal commitment, soon or sooner? Hopefully you will experience a very simple answer coming though the haze to you. I would vote for whatever that one is. I think inner intuition knows best.
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    Skell's Avatar
    Skell Posts: 1,863, Reputation: 514
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    #4

    Jul 31, 2006, 04:03 PM
    I would say wait a few more years. But that is just my opinion based on experience. You are both very young and your in a stage of your lives where you are still changing. I'm not saying that you will fall out of love, or won't want to be with one another but if you are comfortable just continuing the relationship as it is now then do so.

    Maybe you can do some travelling together before you "settle down". Or are there other things you both may want to do before the financial commitments etc of a marriage can place on you.

    All I'm saying is, is to think and talk a lot about this commitment before rushing into a decision that one or both parties may not be comfortable with in the future.
    I know at the age of 20 I also had been in a relationship for around 4 years. One which was very loving. We too spoke about marriage etc. but we decided that we should just continue our relationship as it was. Finish university, travel together and see where it takes us... now where it took us will not be the outcome that you will want to hear as we aren't together anymore.. but I'm just trying to make a point that during these years of your life what you think you want can be quite different to what you actually want in some years time.
    So I say enjoy your youth and the relationship with your man and take your time.
    But as the beautiful ladies above said, just follow your heart and you should be fine!
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    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 75,729, Reputation: 7217
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    #5

    Jul 31, 2006, 05:15 PM


    The difference between what you are doing now and marriage is a peace of paper. If you had wanted to wait till you were more fincially sound that would be to wait to live together. You will have all the bills now, you do then.

    There is no reason you mentioned to wait beyond you are not sure this is the person you want to marry.

    PS, living with another person in the apartment or home is no good for any relatonship married or merely "shacking up".
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    K_3's Avatar
    K_3 Posts: 304, Reputation: 74
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    #6

    Jul 31, 2006, 11:06 PM
    I think this is a question only you two can answer. If you are going to college and want to marry in a year or two, how are you going to be more financially stable then than you are now? You are worried about statistics of divorce rates being higher in those who marry young. If you have many of the same interest, same goals, same ideas, and like each other and feel you are compatible, it will work out. You need to love each other, but I feel it is important to really like one another. You like the things they say and do and the way they are. You trust respect them. These are important things in a relationship.
    Just my thoughts, certainly I am no expert.
    If you have any doubts then you should wait.
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    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,885, Reputation: 319
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    #7

    Aug 1, 2006, 12:45 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by mlrg123
    Hey there--

    Here is my issue. I am 20 years old, my boyfriend is 21. We have been dating for 4 years, since highschool, and now attend the same college. We'll both graduate in 2008 but have spoken seriously about marriage for 2 years. We're both Christians but have had premarital sex (we weren't walking in our faith when we did and feel it may be unhealthy for our relationship to completely stop now- we do practice it safely). Aaand we recently moved in together with a friend of his as our roommate since I had no where else to live. Anyway, we're contemplating whether to get married in 2007 or 2008. The only reason to wait, as I see it, is to be more financially stable. But who says money should have that much control over your life? If we were married I'd feel better about living together and all that. If we wait, things could be hectic planning a wedding our senior year and the chance of us moving out of state for his grad school that same summer wouldn't be easy. I know neither one of us would give up on completing our BS degrees and we don't want children for a few years. We've been praying about it, and to me school and money don't justify our waiting to be married if we already act as if we are. However, I see people's points in that waiting you can save more money and just be older in general (which helps with the odds of divorce in those who marry young). ..... advice?
    Welcome to AMHD.

    My best guideline to you would be to sit with your boyfriend and make a list of things in order of which you want done first.
    I would live together with him, do your degree in 2008 (which is only in 2 years time). Get all that stress over you both and then you can both sit peacefully and plan your great wedding together!

    Unfortunately money can have control over your life. Just be stronger than it, and don't let it over come you.

    I have been married for 2 years now. Been with my partner for a total of 8 years.
    There is no rush in getting married.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 47,066, Reputation: 10289
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    #8

    Aug 1, 2006, 04:45 AM


    I dated my wife for 2 years and we lived together for almost a year. I can tell you that marrying and making it official that we are together through THICK and THIN was a big turning point in our lives. We promised each other no matter what we went through, it would be together. That was 32 years ago! We both work hard to define this relationship and after ALL that life has thrown at us we look at each other with the same love we started with only our hair is turning colors. My point is when you find that person... GO for it! TOGETHER..!
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    mlrg123's Avatar
    mlrg123 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Aug 1, 2006, 06:35 AM
    Well- thank you all for your advice. I have to say that I think marriage is more than a piece of paper. It means a lot more than just loving and living together, so I'm anxious to do it. But our situations really wouldn't change. What if our relationship starts to go stale because we aren't taking the next step? I think we do have our priorities straight and we are meant to be! For example; when I was orphaned at 12, my younger brother and I lived with an emotionally abusive family. Once I left for college at 18 my boyfriends parents took over guardianship of my brother and I am so proud of the way he is growing up. So my relationship with his parents is HUGE and I know they'd be okay with us marrying. Maybe it's an underlying emotional detail that makes me feel better about being married, but that's fine. I know God has a plan for me and I think the signs are unveiling wonderfully.
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    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,885, Reputation: 319
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    #10

    Aug 1, 2006, 06:51 AM
    That's good.
    Im happy for you.

    I agree too that marriage is more than a piece of paper, for sure.
    But living together and getting to know each other day in day out is a lot, and will benefit both you and him in the long run.

    I think waiting till you both do your degree in 2008 is wise. Stress can inflict a lot of problems in a relationship.
    But you 2 seem strong so keep it that way
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