Hey there--

Here is my issue. I am 20 years old, my boyfriend is 21. We have been dating for 4 years, since high school, and now attend the same college. We'll both graduate in 2008 but have spoken seriously about marriage for 2 years. We're both Christians but have had premarital sex (we weren't walking in our faith when we did and feel it may be unhealthy for our relationship to completely stop now- we do practice it safely). Aaand we recently moved in together with a friend of his as our roommate since I had no where else to live. Anyway, we're contemplating whether to get married in 2007 or 2008. The only reason to wait, as I see it, is to be more financially stable. But who says money should have that much control over your life? If we were married I'd feel better about living together and all that. If we wait, things could be hectic planning a wedding our senior year and the chance of us moving out of state for his grad school that same summer wouldn't be easy. I know neither one of us would give up on completing our BS degrees and we don't want children for a few years. We've been praying about it, and to me school and money don't justify our waiting to be married if we already act as if we are. However, I see people's points in that waiting you can save more money and just be older in general (which helps with the odds of divorce in those who marry young).. . advice?

Hi dear, welcome to the forum.

I'm not much into religion, so I feel that if you've been together for so long, and you both seen to know what you want, do what you feel right in doing. The main thing is to try to avoid stress - as that can put a damper on a lot of plans. How do you feel when you go to church? If your heart is really 'heavy' then you should plan on lightening it so that you can concentrate on your future and education.
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Wishing you a lot of luck!

There is something to be said for graduating college as a single person, only don't ask me what it is! Ha ha Now with that said, I think it may be wise to set aside the finances and the living together (not necessarily the religion, just the living together part) and the college graduation even and ask yourselves both: When do I want to step this up and make that formal commitment, soon or sooner? Hopefully you will experience a very simple answer coming though the haze to you. I would vote for whatever that one is. I think inner intuition knows best.

I would say wait a few more years. But that is just my opinion based on experience. You are both very young and your in a stage of your lives where you are still changing. I'm not saying that you will fall out of love, or won't want to be with one another but if you are comfortable just continuing the relationship as it is now then do so.

Maybe you can do some travelling together before you "settle down". Or are there other things you both may want to do before the financial commitments etc of a marriage can place on you.

All I'm saying is, is to think and talk a lot about this commitment before rushing into a decision that one or both parties may not be comfortable with in the future.
I know at the age of 20 I also had been in a relationship for around 4 years. One which was very loving. We too spoke about marriage etc. but we decided that we should just continue our relationship as it was. Finish university, travel together and see where it takes us... now where it took us will not be the outcome that you will want to hear as we aren't together anymore.. but I'm just trying to make a point that during these years of your life what you think you want can be quite different to what you actually want in some years time.
So I say enjoy your youth and the relationship with your man and take your time.
But as the beautiful ladies above said, just follow your heart and you should be fine!

The difference between what you are doing now and marriage is a peace of paper. If you had wanted to wait till you were more fincially sound that would be to wait to live together. You will have all the bills now, you do then.

There is no reason you mentioned to wait beyond you are not sure this is the person you want to marry.

PS, living with another person in the apartment or home is no good for any relatonship married or merely "shacking up".

I think this is a question only you two can answer. If you are going to college and want to marry in a year or two, how are you going to be more financially stable then than you are now? You are worried about statistics of divorce rates being higher in those who marry young. If you have many of the same interest, same goals, same ideas, and like each other and feel you are compatible, it will work out. You need to love each other, but I feel it is important to really like one another. You like the things they say and do and the way they are. You trust respect them. These are important things in a relationship.
Just my thoughts, certainly I am no expert.
If you have any doubts then you should wait.

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Originally Posted by mlrg123

Hey there--

Here is my issue. I am 20 years old, my boyfriend is 21. We have been dating for 4 years, since highschool, and now attend the same college. We'll both graduate in 2008 but have spoken seriously about marriage for 2 years. We're both Christians but have had premarital sex (we weren't walking in our faith when we did and feel it may be unhealthy for our relationship to completely stop now- we do practice it safely). Aaand we recently moved in together with a friend of his as our roommate since I had no where else to live. Anyway, we're contemplating whether to get married in 2007 or 2008. The only reason to wait, as I see it, is to be more financially stable. But who says money should have that much control over your life? If we were married I'd feel better about living together and all that. If we wait, things could be hectic planning a wedding our senior year and the chance of us moving out of state for his grad school that same summer wouldn't be easy. I know neither one of us would give up on completing our BS degrees and we don't want children for a few years. We've been praying about it, and to me school and money don't justify our waiting to be married if we already act as if we are. However, I see people's points in that waiting you can save more money and just be older in general (which helps with the odds of divorce in those who marry young). ..... advice?

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Welcome to AMHD.

My best guideline to you would be to sit with your boyfriend and make a list of things in order of which you want done first.
I would live together with him, do your degree in 2008 (which is only in 2 years time). Get all that stress over you both and then you can both sit peacefully and plan your great wedding together!

Unfortunately money can have control over your life. Just be stronger than it, and don't let it over come you.

I have been married for 2 years now. Been with my partner for a total of 8 years.
There is no rush in getting married.

I dated my wife for 2 years and we lived together for almost a year. I can tell you that marrying and making it official that we are together through THICK and THIN was a big turning point in our lives. We promised each other no matter what we went through, it would be together. That was 32 years ago! We both work hard to define this relationship and after ALL that life has thrown at us we look at each other with the same love we started with only our hair is turning colors. My point is when you find that person... GO for it! TOGETHER..!

Well- thank you all for your advice. I have to say that I think marriage is more than a piece of paper. It means a lot more than just loving and living together, so I'm anxious to do it. But our situations really wouldn't change. What if our relationship starts to go stale because we aren't taking the next step? I think we do have our priorities straight and we are meant to be! For example; when I was orphaned at 12, my younger brother and I lived with an emotionally abusive family. Once I left for college at 18 my boyfriends parents took over guardianship of my brother and I am so proud of the way he is growing up. So my relationship with his parents is HUGE and I know they'd be okay with us marrying. Maybe it's an underlying emotional detail that makes me feel better about being married, but that's fine. I know God has a plan for me and I think the signs are unveiling wonderfully.

That's good.
Im happy for you.

I agree too that marriage is more than a piece of paper, for sure.
But living together and getting to know each other day in day out is a lot, and will benefit both you and him in the long run.

I think waiting till you both do your degree in 2008 is wise. Stress can inflict a lot of problems in a relationship.
But you 2 seem strong so keep it that way :)

Id wait a bit, but that just me. I was a moron (with good intentions) until I was probably 25. Made decisions based on love a few times and not rational thinking. Oops.

Two alternative experiences.

1) I dated a girl for seven years... two high school, four college, one year w her in med school. Long story short, what you want at 16 isn't always what you want at 20 or 25... she dumped me, and I'm glad. A little older and wiser, I married a fantastic woman later on. But the girl and I were talking about marriage, were great friends... we just sort of outgrew each other. There were a few signs that we both ignored that hinted along the way that maybe we should move on, and neither of us listened until it blew up suddenly.

2) my college roommate dated his HS sweetheart throughout college, married right after, and now have three kids and a dozen years of happy marriage behind them. They were a perfect match and should last the test of time.

So my reflex instinct is to tell you to wait a little. Experience life outside the context of school with your partner and make sure all is well...

... but the other side is I know great marriages that started early too.

I understand what fr chuck was saying about a piece of paper being the only difference in what you're doing. For some people that's probably true.

But marriage is a commitment beyond anything you've experienced so far. Its work, its sometimes hard, and its worth it when you find the right person.

Kudos to you for thinking about it and wanting to do it right and well.

I don't think a healthy relationship would go stale simply because you aren't taking the step of marriage. A healthy relationship would conitinue to grow strong.
But you sem fairly sure of yourself and if your boyfriend feels the same then why not.
But krs advice was great. Imo opinion I thin just waiting anothjer couple of years could be wise. You'll be surprised how quick this time will go. Especially with college getting busy. Plus you are in love. That always seems to make time fly by that much more quick.

Good luck. I'm happy for you. You seem very happy and very much in a loving healthy relationship. Just don't take it for granted!

Philosophical considerations aside, it does take money to manage a family, even if it's just a husband-and-wife couple. As it is, you've been together for 4 years now and are obviously committed to each other, so there's no reason to rush into marriage. You know that you're going to eventually get married so you can plan for it while you finish your educations and wait until you have enough money to buy a house, decide where you want to live and make your home and plan your careers accordingly. The prospect of marriage on the horizon ought to be a very strong motivator for young people like yourselves so take advantage and make the most of your education and career-planning years.

Hi and welcome.

I personally don't see any reason to wait. You two are obviously committed to each other and this is what you have planned for this to be your future. I think you should do it.

Look at what will change.
-Living arrangements, NO.
-How much you love each other, NO
-Your money situation, NO
-Anything that matters, NO
-Will it make you feel better when it comes to your intimate relationship with your boyfriend/husband, PROBABLY
-One other thing that may change are, your taxes.

So as you can see, my two cents chimes in on GO FOR IT!

Take care.

BTW... This idea of waiting because we aren't the same people now as we are in our teens is non-sense. We are never the same, we continue to grow and change daily. That's normal, that's good. Some people date for 10 years and stay married for only a year. Other people are married for 60 years. I think it depends on how much you two are willing to put into it.

I do agree with your statement about us continuing to change aqua. I just meant that I think (not that I am old enough I suppose to KNOW) that our most radical changes are done during our younger years. Teens to early 20's. It depends on the maturity level of the person as well I suppose.
If they feel they are ready then I agree, go for it.
But she is obviously having some doubts so my advice was that why rush? Especially while you are so young. Nothing will change by being married, but nothing will change by not being married either. It just gives you more time to confirm to one another that you are meant to be together forever before you confimr it by paper, law, religion etc..

But as I said. She seems happy and in love which I think is great. Lucky her. IM sure whatever decision is made it will work out!

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Originally Posted by Skell

...most radical changes are done during our younger years. Teens to early 20's. it depends on the maturity level of the person as well i suppose...

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Yes I agree with this. I do think that there are many times when we change. Imagine the changes that have to occur when a baby comes into the picture, or a death in the family happens, or job changes, or moving, etc... I think if they are committed to each other then why not?

I just didn't think that this was a reason to put off getting married, because we are always changing.
:)

You are certainly right aqua. If the commitment is there then go for it. But just be aware that there will be heaps of changes and you must fight them together. Even if it gets tough! That's what marriage is all about after all.

I think you should wait at least unil career issues become a little clearer as I think this will be the greatest challenge you'll face as a young couple. You should already be talking about those career choices and where to live and since there is no real hurry take the time to work the kinks out of the plan, keep talking and getting to know each other until you both are comfortable.

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Originally Posted by mlrg123

Well- thank you all for your advice. I have to say that I think marriage is more than a piece of paper. It means a lot more than just loving and living together, so I'm anxious to do it. But our situations really wouldn't change. What if our relationship starts to go stale because we aren't taking the next step? I think we do have our priorities straight and we are meant to be! For example; when I was orphaned at 12, my younger brother and I lived with an emotionally abusive family. Once I left for college at 18 my boyfriends parents took over guardianship of my brother and I am so proud of the way he is growing up. So my relationship with his parents is HUGE and I know they'd be okay with us marrying. Maybe it's an underlying emotional detail that makes me feel better about being married, but that's fine. I know God has a plan for me and I think the signs are unveiling wonderfully.

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Good for you dear. I'm glad things worked out for you and your brother. Now it's time to look forward and build your own memories - and I hope they will all be good.

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