I make all the money, I make all the rules about it, right?
Of course not. Thats the dumbest thing ever said.
Now how do I convince my wife that just because I make the money (she is a stay at home mom to our 2 terrors) doesnt mean that she doesnt get to spend it and doesnt get an equal say in how it is spent.
Ive tried the "were partners, equals, you work too" approach and she doesnt seem to be convinced. She wants to get a job after the kids are in bed so she can make some of "her own" money to spend on the kids and other household things.
Items of note: Financially we are doing well. There is more than enough money for everything plus all the fun things we like. The only thing I have EVER told her she cant buy is a dog and not because of the money. I work and do the cooking and outside stuff. She takes care of the kids and does all the cleaning. We share after workday kid details (games, baths, etc). She has full access to all accounts as well as an accounting of how every penny is spent (quicken).
I can answer from my personal experience - but I don't know if this is right or wrong in the terms of what works for other people.
I believe you know I married a Doctor of Pharmacy. His income was sufficient to support us and our household.
I worked before he met me. I worked during our marriage, even though he felt I should stay home, concentrate on being his wife (even though he worked!), take time off. I thought that I needed to keep my identity. I did cut back to part-time and during his final months I totally stopped working - but then I picked it up again when he died.
It wasn't about the money; it wasn't about sharing or not sharing; it was about who I was, my identity, getting out and about.
We didn't have separate accounts. All of our money went into the same accounts and both of us could sign checks, withdraw money. "My" money wasn't earmarked for anything special.
I think a woman has to have her own identity, beyond being a wife and a Mom (both important jobs) and maybe that is what your wife is seeking.
sometimes its not about the money,but mixing in the adult world.
i assume you meet a variety of people every day,and have lots to talk about when you get home.
even though your wife may be happy with her life at home,perhaps she is feeling unfulfilled.
working outside the home brings about new challenges,new people and new experiences,maybe she wants more,maybe she wants to grow.
if a parttime job will create a happy woman,the knock on effect will be a happy wife and mother..
having freedom within any relationship is so important,and to feel like your not just the wife and mother,but someone who can contribute more to society.
sometimes its not about the money,but mixing in the adult world.
i assume you meet a variety of people every day,and have lots to talk about when you get home.
even though your wife may be happy with her life,perhaps she is feeling unfulfilled in your life.
working outside the home brings about new challenges,new people and new experiences,maybe she wants more,maybe she wants to grow.
if a parttime job will create a happy woman,the knock on effect will be a happy wife and mother..
having freedom within any relationship is so important,and to feel like your not just the wife and mother,but someone who can contribute more to society.
I actually work from home and get out less than she does. Im basically here, I do the grocery shopping or im out with her with or without the kids. My hobbies are at home (computers and carpentry) - so its not that my world is "bigger" than hers.
want to trade wifes ? ok kidding but my wife ( ok future wife) has no trouble spending my money.
But it is always "your" money if you earn it, even if you give her a household allowance or put it into a joint account. Many women feel the need to earn thier own money and feel they are doing some on thier own.
So they want to work outside the home, or perhaps some home business, that is and should be great if they want to
Judy - that was another concern that we addressed a while back. The resolution to that was volunteer work which she wanted to get involved with and going back to school.
Near as I can tell this is purely a financial issue - and only just came up because her unemployment checks stopped coming. She has been under a lot of stress lately because her mobility has been limited (knee surgery next week) but she has been very much hung up on money as long as we've been together. I just cant comprehend it since I dont care about money much (after all obligations are met, of course)
want to trade wifes ? ok kidding but my wife ( ok future wife) has no trouble spending my money.
But it is always "your" money if you earn it, even if you give her a household allowance or put it into a joint account. Many women feel the need to earn thier own money and feel they are doing some on thier own.
So they want to work outside the home, or perhaps some home business, that is and should be great if they want to
I guess thats where I fall off the thinking... she DOES work. I wouldnt want to take care of the kids all day long. You couldnt pay me enough. She earns everything she spends and then some. Its not like she even wants to buy things for herself. She wants to buy the usual household crap from Target like paper towels and dish soap.
Judy - that was another concern that we addressed a while back. The resolution to that was volunteer work which she wanted to get involved with and going back to school.
Near as I can tell this is purely a financial issue - and only just came up because her unemployment checks stopped coming. She has been under a lot of stress lately because her mobility has been limited (knee surgery next week) but she has been very much hung up on money as long as we've been together. I just cant comprehend it since I dont care about money much (after all obligations are met, of course)
Hmm - and maybe it is a financial issue.
This is nothing I'm posting for the first time but following my divorce I had some serious financial problems, worked 1 full time and 2 part time jobs trying to keep a roof over my head. When I met my late husband I had a TERRIBLE time spending "his" money - and he was a very generous man (also emotionally, physically, in all ways other than financial). He actually got angry with me because I simply wouldn't sign a check for anything, including household expenses. It got to the point where he opened "my" checking account and put money in it for me. Otherwise, I dragged him shopping with me and asked permission to make a purchase. I eventually got over it - took about 6 months - but it was like cultural shock to me.
I went from driving a 15 year old Chevy to a high end new import in less than 8 weeks. This is the stuff of both dreams and nightmares.
Was she having a rough time of things? She may very well need to just give "it" some time, settle down a bit.
I see this as an issue which resolves itself - she may just need that extra bit of security.
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