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I make all the money, I make all the rules about it, right?
Of course not. Thats the dumbest thing ever said.
Now how do I convince my wife that just because I make the money (she is a stay at home mom to our 2 terrors) doesnt mean that she doesnt get to spend it and doesnt get an equal say in how it is spent.
Ive tried the "were partners, equals, you work too" approach and she doesnt seem to be convinced. She wants to get a job after the kids are in bed so she can make some of "her own" money to spend on the kids and other household things.
Items of note: Financially we are doing well. There is more than enough money for everything plus all the fun things we like. The only thing I have EVER told her she cant buy is a dog and not because of the money. I work and do the cooking and outside stuff. She takes care of the kids and does all the cleaning. We share after workday kid details (games, baths, etc). She has full access to all accounts as well as an accounting of how every penny is spent (quicken).
I just came across this thread and wanted to add my $0.02.
Please talk to your wife about the fact that the two of you are a team. It's such an important concept in a marriage and I think a lot of people forget about it.
Being part of a team means that the members contribute what they can, when they can. There will be times when the things you contribute may have a higher monetary value than her contributions. Then there will be times when it's exactly opposite. It doesn't have to be "equal" at all times.
When we first got married my husband made 2x what I was making. After about 7 or 8 years I was making 3x what he was making. Then I stopped working, had a baby and become a stay-at-home mom, earning nothing. Now neither of us is working--not the kind of equality I would have preferred, unfortunately.
But through all of this our attitude has always been "our money". A week before we got married we opened up a joint account and each of us put in all of our money. We've never had any other accounts, or separate accounts, or anything like that. Everything is "ours".
Change happens. Things will change for your family. I hope it's for the better. If the two of you focus on being a team and dealing with those changes together then it won't matter to either of you how much each is contributing. All that will matter is that the team is doing well.
I'm confused. At the beginning you said she wanted to get a job, but now you are saying she doesn't want to work. I think you need to talk more and really listen to what her reasons are, draw her out more if you can. I agree that something's not making sense.
My niece just took a part time job even though she has toddlers and her husband can support them. A big reason is that she doesn't feel respected at home. She has a law degree and her husband won't even carry a plate to the sink when he's done eating; criticizes everything she does, etc. The usual drill. It's not the money. She just needs to interact with adults who will treat her with respect. So that's one scenario. But I'm assuming that's not the case here.
I think more discussion needs to happen. And I agree with Steve that it's not that he's "letting" or not letting her do something. It's about what's driving this. Plus spouses shouldn't "let" each other do normal things like work or drive or go to the movie.
I'm confused. At the beginning you said she wanted to get a job, but now you are saying she doesn't want to work. I think you need to talk more and really listen to what her reasons are, draw her out more if you can. I agree that something's not making sense.
My niece just took a part time job even though she has toddlers and her husband can support them. A big reason is that she doesn't feel respected at home. She has a law degree and her husband won't even carry a plate to the sink when he's done eating; criticizes everything she does, etc. The usual drill. It's not the money. She just needs to interact with adults who will treat her with respect. So that's one scenario. But I'm assuming that's not the case here.
I think more discussion needs to happen. And I agree with Steve that it's not that he's "letting" or not letting her do something. It's about what's driving this. Plus spouses shouldn't "let" each other do normal things like work or drive or go to the movie.
Confused? You and me both. Seriously - the day I understand my wife is the day I can die happy. Im gonna live for freakin eva! I know exactly two things... I love her and will do anything to make her happy.
Thats exactly what I am TRYING to get her to understand... its all ours. Thats really the issue here... she doesnt accept equality.
That's just it, Steve. A team isn't about equality. It's a constantly changing thing. Sometimes it's equal but most of the time it's not. Just because it's this way now doesn't mean it'll be the same way later. It could be completely reversed. And if the two of you are a team it won't matter which way it is.
That's just it, Steve. A team isn't about equality. It's a constantly changing thing. Sometimes it's equal but most of the time it's not. Just because it's this way now doesn't mean it'll be the same way later. It could be completely reversed. And if the two of you are a team it won't matter which way it is.
I dont mean that we contribue equality... I mean that we ARE equals regardless of who contributes what.
I love her and will do anything to make her happy.
I just dont know how.
Hmm. Often you can't make another person happy. To me, it's sounding like she doesn't know why she's unhappy herself (or discontented, or whatever word). She needs to figure out why and talk about that. There are so many possibilities, I don't think it makes sense for us to try to guess.
But if she's willing to talk about this, you can probably help her figure out what's really eating her--just by listening. That's not the same as making her happy, but it's helping her make her own way to being happier.
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