Hi all,

I dont know if my husband need clinical therapy, but when we started dating I found some strange pictures on his home pc(pictures of porn, lesbians, shemen, and sexy escorts'women') so back thn he said they were just funny stuff he got through emails from his friends, and we never talked about it again, three years later and newly married I came to find out that he has the same picture on a pc that he bought a year ago, I went crazy! I told him that he needed help but he kept on saying that it was nothing and that he doesnt do nothing and this and that...not to mention that I picked few addresses from his personal pc and when I logged on mine to check them, they were some strange sex dating sites that had all strange kinda psycho stuff!! I do believe in my heart that he needs help or he is hiding something, but if its so how to get him to confess, I told him I'd leave him and gave him his last chance couple months ago and since then nothing happened but I cant trust him and its driving me insane!
If you share a similar experience please help! thnx

dimples

You have to understand that men have an overflowing LIBIDO. If they had it their way, we would be strapped in bed all day to fill their sexual desires. For one, I see little harm in having porno stuff as you can do nothing about what goes on in that head of his. Even if you will forbid him to have it in his pc, he always has his way when it comes to fantasizing. But if he starts to act on these fantasies, that is the reason for you to get upset. Do talk to your man calmly. Maybe, just maybe, there is no problem here at all.

notre dame

Thanks dimples for the reply!
I do understand the differences between men and women, but I still dont find a reason for him to look at that, I am open to the idea that he can watch porn movies that dont go beyond human nature which means movies that have one woman for one man and one man of one woman, we spoke about this issue before and he always seems to find answers for my questions, few months ago I found new porn movies that I've never seen before and when I asked him, he said he had them before we even met, then few months later I found two in his work suitcase, because he thought I wouldnt find them, and he just laughed about it telling that I have to stop and that all men watch porn, ok I dont mind but what does he have to do it on my back, it hurts because he can do lots of stuff behind my back, thats why he pushes me to spy and investigate like an FBI agent instead of just being so open to me and talk to me.
I know he loves me very much but if he could only be honnest and stop lying!

dimples

How about you try reverse psychology? Allow him to do that in front of you. Buy him porn movies as Christmas presents & anniversary gifts! Lol.If this is his HOBBY, shouldnt he have them as gifts? I mean, maybe this will put some sense into him.

beme

S oi dont have a expirence but i think you should talk to someone and talk to him about how you fell and your emotions ask if it's ok to check out theripy or conciling maybe that can help my my friend went through the same thing wit hher boyfriend any qestion just email me and i can ask her and i will tell you what she think sorry i might not be good at this but i now someone who is good i am good at divorce but not like this

notre dame

Dimples, your suggestions are appreciated but I dont think I can buy him that, if I just get him to admit that has a problem then I can react but he doesnt see it as an issue and because he knows it bothers me that he was hiding those movies on his work bag, to be honnest I dont know where or when he watches them if he still does!!
Beme, thanks for trying to help, I dont know really if he has a problem or it is normal for a man to do that, we are into a mixed marriage and I try to understand everything, in my culture what my husband is doing is not acceptable, but if he sees it as normal, I need to prove that, Dimples said before that men are different and have different fantasies, but if it was something ok my husband wouldnt have to go hide those pictures or porn dvds right??
Thank you so much, it really helps me calm down at least duscussing it, as I cant talk about this to none of my friends or family, I wanna keep the good image they have about him and dont want them to think we have problems.

fredg

Hi,
No, your husband doesn't need clinical help! Have you caught him with another woman, having an affair??
If not, you seem to be the one worried about it, not him. He does need some pointers in keeping his private stuff hidden in the computer!!
I am neither condemning nor accepting porn on a computer. I am merely saying that he has rights, too. He can view anything he wishes.
If you are going to divorce him over something like this, then I really think you are the one who needs help. You are not very "confident" of your marriage. If you can't get passed this, your marriage isn't going to make it. Three years is hardly any time at all.
Have you considered the both of you going, together, to a Professional marriage counselor???
Maybe they could help you both, in understanding what is wrong with this marriage. There is definitely something wrong, and you really need to know if it is "you", "him", or both of you.
Best of luck,
fredg

notre dame

Fredg, if you dont hide absolutly nothing from your spouse, and I mean it NOTHING! why would you hide things from them?? If I thought about leaving him its because I felt betrayed, I felt disrespected, I felt usless...I never found him with another women but I found on his detailed bill that he talked to his ex once for almost an hour, again he never said he was keeping in touch with her, and why couldnt he talk to her in front of me? another time I found a number from Europe and again by curiosity I called, it was some psycho that had her add in a sex dating web site!! he totally denied it and said many people uses his cell, so probably someone called!! its his lies that I cant put up with, if he was just honnest and open about everything, I'd be the first one to help...as for counselling )) hehehe I laugh because I'm willing to do it from tomorrow, anything to make this marriage a happy one and a successful one, and have wonderful babies, but he says it's all in my head and I'm make a drama out of things, while I'm sure if it was me, he would have done what nobody can imagine!!
He is a great guy, I love him so much, but if he only never lied, now to build up the trust back seems like a real difficult thing to me!!
Thnx for the advise, different views make the problem less sensitive!1

fredg

Hi,
You been married 3 yrs??? Yes, you are newlyweds. My wife and I have been happily married now for going on 29 years.
Yes, there are things that are "hidden", but not like you might think. It's not the same as "hiding" things from your spouse. There are things, which you will learn, are not talked about.
This isn't the same as "hiding" an affair, (which I have never had), but there are things that are better off left unsaid.
One of these is your situation. It has upset you to no end, finding out your spouse likes to look at porn. It's normal, and natural.....not saying everyone does it, but it's up to each individual person.
If you think you are going to have a lasting marriage, based on "the whole truth and nothing but the truth", about Everything, think again!
For example: You, as a woman, find another man very attractive....but that's as far as it goes. You see this man, in public, not saying anything to him, don't even know his name, but you think he really is attractive.
You going to tell your husband???? and discuss this with him?? Telling him why you think this man is attractive to you??
Better not.....Marriage is a learning process, with ongoing issues.

Best of luck,
fredg

shenda

You are frustrated that he lies; however, you have yet to disclose your need to assume the role of an FBI agent. You are his wife...one he loves, one he will respect when given the chance. You know that he is into "porn" which compares him to that of a voyeur; however, you narrow it down, you would know by what he expects from you during private time. If he has replaced intimacy with you for his tapes; he could be a true voyeur. Test him, if you are willing to create healthy viewing; do not attempt this if you are not willing to carry it out until he is satisfied. I will contact you via private message later