Hi everyone. This is my first time to turn to others with the problem I am having with my husband so I hope to get some good feedback. My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years and have a 2 year old son together. One problem that is our biggest problem is his insecurities and controlling behavior. When we first met, I moved to the city where he lived and left my family and friends back home. I am just recently finding new friends with common interests. My husband is upset about this because he wants to be the center of my universe and gets jealous if I want to go out to lunch with a new friend I have at work (who is a woman) or if I want to just go out one evening with a group of new girl friends I have. He hates that I have friends at all and tries to make me feel bad about leaving him all alone when I want to go out. He doesn't have any close friends and won't even try to make any. An example of his insecure nature is I went to a friend's house one evening (for the first time in 3 1/2 yrs) for a get together and to sing karoake. The girl lives only 6 blocks from my house and my husband freaked out that he couldn't go to the (girls only) party with me, he drove by the house 3 times to see if I was still there and called my cell phone 6 times telling me how much my son missed me and was crying for me to come home. I could hear him telling my son that mommy was out partying and getting dru.nk and couldn't come home right now to be with him. He told me before I left that I had two hours and I better be home by 8:30 pm.
I married my husband when I was very young (18) and he was 22. I hate that when I try to talk to him about our problems, he turns everything around on me and makes it out that I am the one that REALLY made the situation the way it is and its all my fault. Anything he messes up has another reason it messed up, not because of him. I got on antidepressants about 5 months ago and they have helped me tremedously. I want to stay with my husband and work things out but he is getting so hard to live with. He is also constantly throwing out accusations that I am cheating on him or that I want to cheat on him and that I am always secretly planning to leave him for another man. He has never been physically abusive to me in any way. *SIGH* This is not even half of our problems but I just need a little outside input. Thanks in advance for any help.

hamworld05

I have no knowledge for this thing. I'm going to try, though. Maybe your husband could find a hobby. A really fun hobby! So, fun, he's doing it 24/7. As for, working with an insecure husband, you could try and show your love for him by sending him love letters. I recommend you suggest your husband to find a boys only party. I hope this helped just a little bit.

RubyPitbull

margarita momma, you say you are on antidepressants? What are they and who prescribed them to you? The answers to these questions will help me in giving you the constructive advice you are looking for.

margarita_momma

Hi Ruby,

I realized I needed some type of help after my husband and I had a huge falling out one night so the next day I went to my family physician and she prescribed them to me. I am on 10mg of Lexapro.

valinors_sorrow

I am glad you are looking for a solution and open to outside help, Margarita. And its also good to know that you are under a doctor's care (abuse of a prescription meds can be a part of the problem which is why I'm sure Ruby asked). What I see here by your description of your husband is big enough that I think it will take outside help if its ever going to be corrected. If your husband is not open to a marriage counselor (and I would see that fitting in right here) then you have a big decision to make. No one can make it for you either.

I was once married to a man with lots of similar problems who escalated to violence, minor though it was. I eventually made a stand -- counseling or I'm leaving. I actually found someone, made the appointment and then called him in as too sick to work that day as he slept and hit him with it when he woke up. I had my bags packed sitting by the door. While I did not have a 2yr old child, I did have a months-old puppy in tow. I was absolutely serious. To my relief, he opted for counseling. Sadly while I got help, he did not and after a year and the counselor confirming to me he was just fooling around with it, we parted ways. It was easier that way for me than living with it or leaving without giving it my best shot. Only you can decide which is your best option. But its plain enough to me he isn't listening to you anymore, so maybe he will someone else. Good luck.

kanicky73

i will tell you this much, insecurity will destroy a relationship, plain and simple. Unless you both are willing to find out why he is feeling this way and acting out the way he is. I had a relationship where every time I talked to anyone else, whether it be a male or female, he was mad. that is not right and will not work in a relationship. It sounds like he was not like this when you guys first got together, but has started this recently. What happened? And I dont mean you going back to work and the baby. It seems as though something else may have happened? People become insecure when their security has been broken down. Can you elaborate, tell us what has happened.

margarita_momma

He has always been slightly jealous. When we were dating and first got married, the "little" hints of jealously were sweet and made me feel loved and cared for. I believe it was about a year ago he started acting this way. I am not sure what provoked it. He just all of a sudden became this possesive caveman that wanted to watch and control every move I make. Please don't think that I want to go out and party and drink it up with the girls every night. I had not went out with friends since I got married and my husband is a big reason for that. I am currently wanting to go to a small concert with 2 of my girl friends in a neighboring city. I told my husband two weeks ago that I wanted to go to it and would make baby sitting arrangements for our son if he didn't want to watch him alone. I don't want my husband to come because he is... how can I put it... a party pooper... when others are trying to have fun and he doesn't like the kind of musice that will be played. He always throws out a rude comment about something and ruins the whole night for everyone. Of course he says I am going to cheat on him while I am there and turn into a little groupy. I want him to go to counseling and the packing my bags thing and giving him a choice sounds like a good idea. Thanks for all the imput. It is so nice having someone to talk to and who understands.

kanicky73

No, no worries I did not think that you just want to go out and party it up. What I am trying to say here is sometimes when someone acts insecure its because they may(I am not in any way saying he did something) have done something. Then in turn they are feeling like if they did it, who's to say you wouldnt do something. I went to a lot of counseling when my husband and I got divorced and one of the things the counselor told me about was that very thing. People usually start to get insecure and accusatory when they have done something themselves. I may be way off here and dont want to accuse him of having done something because I certainly have no right to do that. I just think there may be something deeper here. Peoples actions are usually a direct result to a situation or something that happened.

RubyPitbull

Hi margarita momma. Sorry I was away for a bit but it looks like you are in good hands here. In case you need another person to weigh in with their opinion, I do agree that you need to seek out a marriage counselor. I suspect that if you do have the bags waiting at the door as Valinors suggested, he will agree to go. If he refuses, please understand that you have to be prepared to follow through with your threat of leaving. It will be the only way to get him to wake up and realize that he may lose you. If you don't walk out of that door with your baby, your problems with him will only escalate. So, you need to make sure that you have a back up plan, which will be a safe place to go for a short while. This is a case of control. He needs to understand that this marriage is a two way street and you have to work together.

If he refuses to go, then you need to go to counseling on your own. Please discuss the medication you are on in addition to all the problems you have in your life. A good therapist or psychiatrist can help you make sense of all this and give you the tools you need to make your life work the way it is meant to.

lostman

Hello ,I'm an insecure husband.
I'm not sure if I could help you , but I myself create these problems with my wife.
To give you a quick answer , She gave me all the power and attention that I felt I needed knowone else and now she found other interests and I feel alone.
Ok this is my quick analysis, I'm looking for help myself.
I can go on and on but I would rather see if anyone is interested in what I got to say(insecure)