I am married for the last 4 years having a daughter.we had a love marrige.i am still quite happy with my married life.some months before i came across a man whom i started loving.We had sex twice.loving himmore day by day...at the same time i love my husband too..is tht wrong to love two men at one time.am i cheating my husband.till now my husband doesn't knows abt all this.Sometimes i feel like to confess him everything.sometimes i feel to break the relationship i have with the other man.Wht should i do .I am confused.Is this love of mine or just an inclination towards another manOr it is a sexual desire of mine.I didn't find asnwers to my questions. help

rodandy12

Last comment and I'll shut up about it.

According to the Ethnographic Atlas Codebook (a book attempting to provide statistics on all known societies from 1960-1980), of the 1231 societies noted, 186 were monogamous. 453 had occasional polygyny, 588 had more frequent polygyny, and 4 had polyandry. The good old US of A isn't in the majority on this issue. That said, the direction of this thread doesn't speak to the question asked.

One can like multiple people. One can love multiple people. One can definitely lust after multiple people. If one takes an oath of monogamy, the best course of action is to follow it to the best of one's ability. Those abilities vary with the individual and the circumstance. Just because someone makes a mistake doesn't mean the jig is up.

You guys sound like you have been on the receiving end of this situation. How did you feel when your significant other confessed or you caught them? How did things work out in the long run for the relationship? Were kids involved? What was the impact on them?

Much is at stake here. I'm not so much interested in making her pay for her humanness as wanting the relationship, especially including the child, to continue.

I also don't know what the "rights" of spousal units are. That topic is probably worth another thread.??

mjl

I really don't think that bigamy has anything to do with her question. I'm pretty sure she isn't in a bigamist relationship, or else she wouldn't have had a reason to post this question.
If she was in a bigamist relationship, then all the power to her. But the fact is, it is not, because her husband doesn't know about it, and any husband deserves more than that. He deserves to know what is going on. She should at least have the decency to tell him.



It's pretty judgmental to assume that we have been cheated on. In fact, I haven't. I am married to a wonderful husband. The reason I have an opinion about this topic is not because my husband cheated on me, it is because I have common sense to know that in a monogamist relationship (which this lady in in) people don't have sex with other people.

Altenweg

I've never been cheated on either, but if I ever had been I would want to know. This women is cheating on the man she married, she is making a mockery out of her marriage vows. Her husband is sitting at home thinking that his married life is all fine and dandy and she's sleeping with and obsessing about another man. I think he has a right to know that things aren't as great as they seem. I also think that he has a right to know that his loving wife has put him at risk for an std. He should have all the facts so that he can make a decision, the balls not only in her court.

Synnen

Wow...poor lady, so attacked.

Yes, of course it's possible to love two people at once. It's even possible for polyamory/polygamy to work, in many places.

The reason it's NOT going to work for you, though, is that you're not being honest with anyone--not your husband, not this other man, and not yourself.

My advice is to break off the relationship with the other guy (if you loved him, truly, you wouldn't be asking about it here), get tested for STDs to make sure you haven't given your husband a death sentence unwittingly, and then get your rear end into counseling.

As far as telling your husband--well, that's up to you. It's unfair if you do, and unfair if you don't at this point. The time to tell your husband was BEFORE you started having sex with someone else. Now you're stuck between feeling guilty the rest of your life or giving your husband a right to leave you, taking your daughter with.

Not a pretty place, lady. Good luck, you're gonna need it.

Homegirl 50

I don't see how you can be so in love with one person then take time to get to know another then hop into bed with him and say you now love him as well.
IMO, you have no respect for the sanctity of marriage and no respect for husband. Unless you went into the marriage agreeing that it can be an "open" one, you have no business communicating with another man and then start having sex with him.
You are sounding young, confused and selfish. You should also question the mindset and motives of the other guy. What kind of man sleeps with another man's wife and has no problem doing so?

horizon11

Thanks alot to u all for giving ur opinions.But i think tht u are taking this question morein pphysical terms.Is it necessary tht u should be single if u love anybody.Is tht makes any difference tht u cannot love two men at one time.For me it doesn't makes unless and until u love them both Equally and respect both of them.yes i know my happiness of being loved ny two men is limited and short lived.and it limits to by husbands knowlege.But it is love in which can't be helped.At times i feel tht wht i am doing is wrong.infact very wrong but when i look itno my husband's eyes i see tht there is no change in my love for him.it is too incerasing day by day,The moment my husband get to knw all this i will try to convince him.if he doesn't i will obey to wht he will say to me.cuz its me who is wrong.and as far as this other man is concerned i am nt having the only bed relation with him.there is something in him which is keeping me stick to him.Some qualities some ways which i found in him and still i hv to discover alot in him.Again i woulkd like to THANK U ALL

talaniman

As you get older, and wiser, you will know the difference between lust and love, but at a very high price. Sometimes we learn the hard way.

life1973happened

I think so often in situations like this one the only reason you probably feel the urge to confess is so that somebody, other than yourself, will make the decision for you. This in turn will force you to take the one left after the shake up.

Having your husband be the one that leaves and forcing you to decide is so wrong and really heartbreaking, and I don't know you or him. What I do know is that you need to take a step back and decide what it is that made you cross a forbidden line to begin with. From there you will better understand your motives and in the end your intentions.

I think all of us struggle with uncertainties in our lives. However, you have to look within yourself and decide are you a young woman with integrity and strength to decide what it is that you really want to give and receive in return.

You have to be careful with your decision and make it based upon what your heart and head both say. You cannot let one be stronger than the other. And please do not confess to your husband so you don't have to make the decision and play the victim card. You will loose yourself down that road, I promise you that.

Show respect to your husband and let the other man go, or let go and walk away from your marriage but do it right and do it with the highest respect to his feelings and the love he has given you. He is a human being and he has a heart that is just as fragile as yours.

Good luck with however this turns out...

N0help4u

First you need to break it off with the other guy
If you don't you could end up losing your husband and possibly the other guy as well
It is possible to have a love for two guys but you can only be faithful with one.
There are different types of love so you can love the other guy but it should be more of a friendship love than love like your love for your husband.
Life is right telling your husband can complicate or simplify the situation.
Simplifying it would be him saying hit the road and don't come back. Then you are free to be with the other guy.
complicating it would be your husband hurt and you still have no clear direction.

talaniman

I say all the time we can't help how we feel, but we can help, what we do about it.