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BlinkinOwl · Jan 26, 2009, 04:32 AM

Hi all, I am new to the site and I have a very delicate question to ask for advice...

We have been separated since the end of May 08, during which time we got back together twice but it didn't work out. The last time she ended it was the end of October and I now believe she is with a rebound.

I am currently living with my parents while our 2 children live with the wife. I have them every other weekend so that I can spend some time with them as its difficult in the week as I work shifts. I have them at 'OUR' house as there is not room at my parents, and she goes to her mothers.

It hurts and brings back memories while I am there and I know I must put up with it for the sake of the kids.

My issue is that she sometimes starts work early or works late and she expects me to be there to help her by getting them up for school and being there when they get home. (they are 13 and 9)

She could easily arrange her hours of work as other people that work with her do and she only works part time. It's just she enjoys the job that she gets on earlys.

The way I see it is that she chose not to have me in her life so she should arrange alternative arrangements and some people agree with me and some don't.

Am I being too harsh and if so please put me right with your words of wisdom.

Cheers

starbuck8 · Jan 26, 2009, 05:03 AM

Let me make sure I have this correct, as I'm not sure that I completely understand.

You work shifts during the week. Does she work shift work also?---as you mentioned sometimes she works early, and sometimes late. Do you mean she sometimes has to stay late in the day?---or is she working evening or night shifts. Does she take your shifts into consideration?

At 9 and 13, they should be able to get themselves ready, so does she just want you to be there to see them off to school? Or do you have to be there to drive them? Does she just want you to greet them when they get home, or does she expect you to stay until she is off work. If so, does she come directly home from work?

Maybe just a few more details might be helpful. I've got to go myself right now, but I'm sure there will be others around in the morning to help, and the extra info would likely be helpful to them.

Sorry I couldn't have been more helpful to you right now.

BlinkinOwl · Jan 26, 2009, 05:14 AM

Starbuck

I work shifts, 6-2 and 2-10, and she plans this around my shift pattern.

She never starts before 7:30 and never later than 17:30.

She works varying hours sometimes starting at 7:30 or 9:00 in the morning depending on her rota. She then sometimes finishes at 17:30 so is still in work when the kids finish school.

She expects me to be there when she starts at 7:30, and get our kids up for school and see them off, or take my youngest.

When working late she expects me to go there from work and stay there until she gets home from work, and yes she does come straight home.

When I am 6-2 she has her mother to come up when she starts early.

Romefalls19 · Jan 26, 2009, 06:16 AM

I'm not really seeing an issue with this. I mean after all, she is allowing you even more time to see your kids. Most dad's would JUMP at the chance for even that time because some don't even get that time. They are lucky to get a phone call once a month. Personally, if I were in your situation, I would be at that house when they got up and when they got home from school to spend whatever time capable spending with them. Don't look at it so much as what your ex wants you to do, but what you should want to do for your kids.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 26, 2009, 08:33 AM

Hevens I would die for a chance to see my son everyday. Even if it had to be at her home. ( as long as she was not there)

But have you filed for a custody order, do you have set visitiation on paper in court.
Also what amount of child support are you now paying.

talaniman · Jan 26, 2009, 12:28 PM

Am I being too harsh and if so please put me right with your words of wisdom.

Yes, your being to harsh, and should take every opportunity to help with your kids. Do you have something more important to do?

I would die for a chance to see my son everyday

Take that as a good example of the right attitude.

Romefalls19 · Jan 26, 2009, 12:53 PM

Tal and Fr Chuck are right, fathers would die for the chance to see their kid every day, no matter how little time. I'm not even the biological father of my fiance's two kids but I know I would be so lost if she were to take them away from me. When people ask if I have kids, I say yes, two girls.

Step up and be the father to your child, the type that he will respect later in life.

BlinkinOwl · Jan 26, 2009, 04:01 PM

I think I need to add a bit more.

As well as having them every other weekend, I sometimes have them on the other Sunday and take them both to rugby and rugby training on a Wednesday, shift allowing.

I see them a lot during the week I am 6-2 as I only live 0.5 miles away, they come up my mothers for dinner or tea 2 or 3 times that week.

We also are in contact a lot via phone, text and messenger.

Yes she is giving me more chances to see them more I understand, but the point I am trying to make is, am I being too available to her as she choose to end our relationship, and I feel the disruption to her new life isn't very great and I feel to a certain extent she is still running my life.

(I am ready to be put in my place... lol)

Peace

starbuck8 · Jan 26, 2009, 04:12 PM

Your relationship with your wife, and the relationship with your kids are two separate things. You are not really making yourself available to her, although I understand how you might see if that way, but you are making yourself available to your kids. Your kids already know what is going on, and kids have an uncanny ability of blaming themselves for things that go wrong between their Mom and Dad. You don't want them to feel anymore torn, hurt and confused.

So even though your wife may have you feeling like her puppet, you want to do anything you can to ensure your kids can still have some semblance of normalcy in their lives. If they can watch Dad putting his differences with their mother aside for the sake of them, in their eyes they will not only see you as a good father, they will see you as a good man.

haze · Jan 26, 2009, 04:20 PM

You need to explain to her that you don't want to come to the house because it makes you upset. You will have a lot of mixed feelings when you go there. Maybe you need to figure out a way so you don't have to go to her house.

talaniman · Jan 26, 2009, 05:52 PM

I won't dignify that marlarkey of a post with any advice, as Im sure little boy will get over his feelings.

Count yourself lucky fellow, and appreciate the chance to be with your kids.