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Hi
I'm really just looking for a bit of advice? My boyfriendand I have been together for a year but he is Asian and has had a little trouble with the immigration department recently and may be deported. I am 16 and he is 21 at the moment. We both agree that the only way that he will be able to stay is if we get married when i turn 18. I do love him very much and he is adament that he feels the same, but being a Muslim; a faith wherein getting married young is common [and often their marriages do last] he is more comfortable with the idea than I am. If you can help I would be enternally appreciative! Thankyou!
Skinwhite You say you are of a different culture to the one in which you live...has this affected your life and relationships in any negative way? can i ask [if its not too personal] whether you yourself are muslim?
Scaredgal I cannot thank you enough for sharing your story with me. Just reading it really made me feel more awake to the world and I truly appreciate your practical advice over what to tell him as this is one of my biggest worries! Mainly I just feel completely naive and stupid for getting into this in the first place...and to make things worse he has a hearing tomorrow and so that really is D-Day in that it will determine whether he will be deported or allowed to stay another month.
momincali You said you felt that the age gap is too big in our relationship, can i ask why that is? Its just that when im with him it does truly fell that we're on the same level
kp2171 thankyou for sharing your story...i do really appreciate life experience as it makes it easier for me to take on board you advice. What did you do...you say that you were glad you didnt get married but why?
You were right in saying that i fell obliged because it has got to that point now because a little while ago i said i would marry him and now hes relying on that because he may be gone tomorrow and we're both scared...but im not sure i can do it anymore having thought it through in more detail and form listening to the advice given me on here...what can i do?
You can be honest and tel him you cannot be married before you get yourself and your life in order.If he loves you he'll understand and go by your wishes whether he stays in the country or not.If not you will find out a few things about him you didn't know before.Stick to your guns!
talaniman: i do really want to be honest with him and let him know that im uncertain as to whether marriage is the best option for us. But i don't see how i can as his hearing is tomorrow [March 6] and i think it would just all be too much for him to take as we are both aware that this may be the only way he can be allowed back into Britain. I did try and show him other options for him [for example obtaining a work permit] but he wasnt having any of it.
You say "Stick to your guns!" can i just ask what you mean by that?
It would appear that you are going to do what you have been palnning to do all along. After reading all of the advice offered in this thread you don't seem to want to 'get it' and my money is that you will do nothing different that the day you first posted here. Just my opinion.
NeedKarma Im sorry but I don't understand a word of what your trying to say! Could you possibly rephrase it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedKarma
Dear Judith,
It would appear that you are going to do what you have been palnning to do all along. After reading all of the advice offered in this thread you don't seem to want to 'get it' and my money is that you will do nothing different that the day you first posted here. Just my opinion.
He said that he doesn't belive you are looking for advice, but rather for people to agree with you.
And for the record, I think he brings up some good points.
You will not listen to anyone, but rather, just want someone to agree with your original course of action
Captainforest and NeedKarma I honestly do not know what to do and so am truly searching for advice I dont know the right path to take...I.m just really struggling and so resorted to asking about it on this forum. I'm not looking for someone to agree with the original course of action because there was no original course of action!! i do agree with several people here about my age and my lack of life experience and am starting to believe that I was wrong in my way of dealing with it but i don't know what i can do about that...Im just looking for practical advice about how to deal with a situation that is way beyond my control
Hey, Judith, Talaniman means "stick to your guns!" It means stand your ground for making your point to this young man why you feel ,(& will subsequently DO)that it marriage is not" our" best option now. You have some of your own, like work permits I heard.
I am from the USA. I was 25 when I married a Lebanese man, 26. We "dated" for oh about 14 mo. prior. He had already "used" some other poor girl to get married to & divorced . Maybe he didnt love anymore . Seemed a little of both to me. Anyway, I was naive even at that age. I kind of loved him. but I think it was b/c he loved me so much. He took me travelling & bought me things. He could afford it as he owned a profitable business . His business last about 2 yrs. after I met him b/c it was in a predominantly Jewish neighborhood . And he being Muslim well, there was unrest in Lebanon at the time. 1975 & 1976. When things didnt go well for him that way, he changed. His jealousy was the biggest reason I left. It became violent . I coulnt stand how I couldnt even wear shorts. His relatives did help him to start another business but this didnt help. I realized I didn't love him anymore. That he was just too "foreign" for me
after 11/2 yrs after marriage. He drank some Arak 1 nite & I took a beating ( dont worry, no permanent damage- but caused me to have a miscarriage. My big brother came to the rescue, & talked some good sense into me though. As for him , well he fled beforehand. So big bro didnt have to get into trouble b/c he came with a bat!
So I'd also stick to your guns . be firm. If you want to keep on seeing him, remember what these people told u about the muslim religion & culture.
As for me. I'm cool. 3rd time's a charm they say. Married 20 yrs. Have a beautiful 23 y.o. & graduate student daughter from my 2nd marriage(hey we gave it a shot) Present husband & I have another beautiful daughter 19 & a computer nerd
Sorry if my input is so long. As one gets older, the more stories they get!!!!!
Above all. I have to say stay a Christian either way & keep after your education . I certainly know I was really grateful to have a skill especially when it came time to leave.
God bless you & good luck tomorrow
31pumpkin: I am in total awe of you...how you managed to come through such a terrible situation and stay positive! To be honest a few similarities between your situation and mine scare me, dont get me wrong he has never been violent, its just the jealously that you talk about and the presents and the kinda overprotective love [correct me if im wrong]. Thankyou for your advice and support... Im really happy that you now have the life that you deserve and that you were strong enough to overcome the bad times
Well, it was a long tome ago & thankfully I cant remember how I "felt". But I do remember that his violence showed up when he got a lot of stress from his problems from work. It was nowhere apparent when I married him...& espec. when I first met him.
It's dinner time here in the US . Then we (2nd daughter) cant wait to see The Academy Awards on TV later. So I'm gonna go.Good luck again!
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