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I have been married for 12 years and with my husband for 15. We have 3 fantastic kids ages 6, 7 & 10. They are happy go lucky kids very involved with schools and friends. My husband and I are done. Every day I pray to God to help me leave him, without disturbing the lives of my kids. My kids love their father and I would like them to maintain that relationship but I need to be rid of him. He is like a cancer that runs through my body on a daily basis. I have managed to maintain a home as best I can without hurting my kids. But they are not stupid they know what the problems are, and they are starting to know that their father is to blame. In a nut shell my husband is all about himself, not me not his home, not his family, and not his kids. We have had the most unbelievable amount of financial stress this past year. By the way my husband has not worked or attempted to work in 6 months, even though we are going through a foreclosure and a sale date on our home I find him in bed in the mornings, and playing video games in the afternoon. By the way he is 44 years old. He worked at his job for 12 years but always had a conflict with his boss and it finally came to head back in April, he was forced to leave his job. I work part time and raise my kids by myself, we do not agree on the same things for our kids, I do not really want them playing Mature video games, watching TV shows and movies with adult content, he doesn't help with homework or getting them off to school, and on the days I work he barely meets the kids at the bus. He also has the audacity to ask me what I spend my pay on, If you only know me, I have not purchase anything for myself in years. I spend it on food and things for the kids. Then I look at the bank account and find that he has been spending money in the games stores and electronic stores, today I found out he took out money for the game store $76 which has now allowed my care insurance check bounce, but I have no right to question him on it. BALLS, RIGHT???? The truth is I wish I could pack his bags and stay in my home with my kids but I know that is not possible. I have been trying to sell my house but with the market being what it is, my house isn't moving for what I need to sell it for. I NEED HELP!!
I do not sleep, I'm losing my hair, and I look 8 years older than what I am. I need to focus on my kids. Any advice
First thing you need to do (in my opinion) is to get rid of some of your stress and that seems to be coming from money problems. If he isn't trying to find work, he no longer gets to make decisions about the money. Go open a checking account in your name only. Your checks go there, and he doesn't get a checkbook or a debit card. If he needs/wants money, he'll be forced to contribute by working. You need that money to provide for your family much more than he needs to buy video games.
It may likely get ugly before it gets better, but don't let his careless ways sabotage your family!
First of all - I am sorry you are going through this. Most people in relationships have problems - my question to you is 'Is there any part of you that still loves him? Do you hate everything about him or just what he has become (as far as not working, etc.)?' I think it might be time for a 'RENEGOITATION OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP'. Let me share with you the short version of my story...
I have been married for 8 years & have one baby (3). About a year and half ago I too thought that my marriage had run its course. My husband was never mean to me or anything like that - he just wasn't around. I felt like I was at the bottom of his priority list. I felt like it was..
1. Our son
2. His Mom
3. His Dad
4. Work
5. His Friends
6. Hunting
7. Riding his Dirt Bike
8. Then ME
So, I began thinking about what it would be like without him. He was frequenting strip clubs & he even traded in his truck for a sport car! I was so mad! Well, one day in a heated argument I told him how I was feeling - and that I had even had thoughts of being with someone else. And he was so hurt. He left for a few days - but we realized that we couldn't stand even falling asleep without each other. We sat down and 'RENEGOTIATED OUR RELATIONSHIP'. We made some new ground rules. He will NEVER go to a strip club again! We decided for me to become a stay at home mom - so I quit my job, sold our house & moved into a smaller rental place. (We are going to build a house several years from now - but for now we are renting) - His dirt bike was sold! He still hunts - but usually nearby so we can still do things as a family afterward. We talk more - I feel like I got my best friend back. I still have flashbacks of things that were said and done in the past - but it was a gift from God for us to go through that period in our marriage. I know now that God made him especially for me - and vice versa.
So - please think twice - the grass is not always greener on the other side. Your husband may be going through something & doesn't know that he needs your help. I think you should talk with him & give him some rules for him to stay married to you. This may be the breaking point in your marriage - or he may just surprise you - and become again the man you married.
May God Bless You to follow your heart & do what's best for you & Your Family
OK, don't pay any bills on the house, the electric, the phone or nothing and save up that money and move to a rat hole apartment for a month or so till you find something better.
If you want to move, don't worry about him, don't worry about paying bills that help your husband,
Next if he is wasting money that is needed at home, close that bank account or at least don't put any more money in it and keep all of the money you bring in just for the food you are eating till you move out.
Contact some women shelters, they are many of them, most cities have them, where you can the kids can move for a few weeks also to get a new start
You are already carrying the load of the household yourself, it seems to me you don't really need help to leave the marriage. If you wanted to drop the dead weight, you could.
I think it is more the case that you do not want to be "the bad guy" that get's blamed for "breaking up the family".
The truth is that your husband has left the family. He isn't taking care of you or his children. From what you described, he's already given up and is just waiting for things to end.
I suggest you follow Charlie's advice above, and if that doesn't work out you are going to have the strength in yourself to walk away from a bad situation.
I can so relate to you,let me know how things are going, sometimes just talking out to someone helps....I'm here if you need to talk
(see Family law - lshackett, that's me)
I have been married for 12 years and with my husband for 15. We have 3 fantastic kids ages 6, 7 & 10. They are happy go lucky kids very involved with schools and friends. My husband and I are done. Every day I pray to God to help me leave him, without disturbing the lives of my kids. My kids love their father and I would like them to maintain that relationship but I need to be rid of him. He is like a cancer that runs through my body on a daily basis. I have managed to maintain a home as best I can without hurting my kids. But they are not stupid they know what the problems are, and they are starting to know that their father is to blame. In a nut shell my husband is all about himself, not me not his home, not his family, and not his kids. We have had the most unbelievable amount of financial stress this past year. By the way my husband has not worked or attempted to work in 6 months, even though we are going through a foreclosure and a sale date on our home I find him in bed in the mornings, and playing video games in the afternoon. By the way he is 44 years old. He worked at his job for 12 years but always had a conflict with his boss and it finally came to head back in April, he was forced to leave his job. I work part time and raise my kids by myself, we do not agree on the same things for our kids, I do not really want them playing Mature video games, watching TV shows and movies with adult content, he doesn't help with homework or getting them off to school, and on the days I work he barely meets the kids at the bus. He also has the audacity to ask me what I spend my pay on, If you only know me, I have not purchase anything for myself in years. I spend it on food and things for the kids. Then I look at the bank account and find that he has been spending money in the games stores and electronic stores, today I found out he took out money for the game store $76 which has now allowed my care insurance check bounce, but I have no right to question him on it. BALLS, RIGHT???? The truth is I wish I could pack his bags and stay in my home with my kids but I know that is not possible. I have been trying to sell my house but with the market being what it is, my house isn't moving for what I need to sell it for. I NEED HELP!!
I do not sleep, I'm losing my hair, and I look 8 years older than what I am. I need to focus on my kids. Any advice
Thank you all for your thoughts!!!! I will let you know!!!!
Work full time and let him take care of the kids and if he can't handle it kick his *** out. Having said that do you think something else is going on that a professional needs to address? I really like Charlies advice, just go off on him and let him know how you feel.
Definitely end his access to the money. Have your pay direct deposited into an account that only has your name on it. Pay the bills that need to be paid for you and the kids. If necessary, sell your house or allow the foreclosure proceedings to run their course and move into a smaller house or apartment with your kids. Any money that your husband needs or wants he'll have to go out and work for.
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