I am at a really strange place in my life right now, and could use a little help figuring out where to go from here. I have been married for the past 29 years (since I was 20) to a really great guy. He is my best friend; we get along well, have great and frequent sex, raised 3 great kids together, and have made a pretty comfortable life together. We don’t have a lot of money, but we are getting by without a lot of debt or money issues. This past year has been a really wild ride for me however. Our twin daughters started college a year ago, and about the same time I found myself placing a profile on the internet dating sites and talking with other men, even going so far as to meet a couple of them (no sex so far, just a little light “petting”, which actually to me feels as bad as if I was committing adultery). Our marriage has been monogamous up to this point.

I thought I was just bored and looking for some excitement, but I am realizing it is much more than that. My husband is a very quiet person, quite content within himself. He has lots of hobbies…golfing, fishing, playing music with several bands, practicing music when not playing with someone, watching sports on tv (football, basketball, golf and baseball). When the kids were home I had plenty to keep me company, now I just look at him and picture myself lonely for the next 30 years. I sat him down about 3 months ago and told him how lonely I was and asked him if he would be happier without me. He became pretty upset and has tried sooo hard since then to be more attentive. We started going out to hear bands, and making a point of trying to talk and do more together. He is a great listener, but unless we are having sex or talking about the kids, there is still not much communication there. I seem to be the only one with something to say, and it feels like pulling teeth to get anything out of him. Now I find myself making excuses to go onto the internet and talk to the fellas. I can’t wait for him to go fishing, or practice his music or play golf.

Realistically, this boils down to personality and character differences. We just do not enjoy the same things in life. I need a partner to share life with --someone exciting - who can walk into a strange bar and have a great time getting telling stories and getting to know the other folks there. Someone I could travel with and talk a mile a minute about everything under the sun, who is able to grab me by the hand and take me to new adventures. Now my kids are gone and I am free to really enjoy life, but all I do is feel alone and resentful. Even if he completely gave up golf, fishing and music to spend every minute with me, we would still just be sitting there looking at each other. He is not good talking with other people, he does not read anything besides the funnies and golf magazines, never watches the news. Without the kids we just do not have anything to talk about... We really have very few interests in common.

Now I have met someone on the internet who is really interesting. We do have a lot in common, he is fun, funny, smart, etc, etc…. Of course I realize much of this is just early infatuation, but it painfully points out to me how much I am missing with my husband.

I saw a counselor for awhile last fall but at $100 an hour I could not afford it for long. She basically told me I needed to make some friends and get a hobby (don’t think this was quite what she had in mind). I did stop for a few months, but got so lonely and depressed, I rejoined. I have trouble making female friends, not sure why, and this is my first experience with male friends (who I seem to have a lot better rapport with). Anyway, I am actually strongly considering striking out on my own. I am not being fair to my husband by sneaking around, and will probably eventually have an affair. But it would hurt him deeply if I left, and I really do love him. We are just so different, and I am so unhappy. And the idea of being on my own scares me to death. Any suggestions?

valinors_sorrow

Reread my first post. If you have any questions about what I suggest needs to be done, please feel free to ask. And if you don't want my help, I can easily quit posting too. No hard feelings. Its your life, after all.

By the way...."Ok, lets assume that I have completely closed down the internet stuff," --- that's a slippery slope way of talking about it. You either have or have not shut it down. If you meant for the sake of argument or theoretically, then better to say that....

aqua@home

"The fact that I now find myself doing this is totally a red flag screaming to me that there is something seriously wrong with this relationship and that I am desperately unhappy."



I think the problem I have with this statement is you say you "find yourself....". In that statement you are not taking responsibility for your actions. It's like you are subconsiously doing it, and not realizing that you are making the decision to do it.

talaniman

In the interest of being fair tell your husband exactly what you told us and pack your bags and leave. He doesn't deserve the deceit and infidelity, so be nice and go quickly so he can find peace with someone who deserves a good companion. Explain to your children how dull daddy is and the terrible loneliness you had to endure for their sake. Tell them of all you have sacrificed over the years and how its your turn to be selfish. And make sure they understand how instead of working it out you chose to cheat on their father. Now go shack with that exciting partner and expect a lot of understanding from your kids and that boring human who thought he had a life partner, the fool!!!It is not he who is silent It was you. Get help or leave are the only choices that make sense to me.

aqua@home

The only thing left I can add is if the situation were reverse, what would you want your husband to do? How would you want to be treated by someone whom you've shared the last 29 years of your life with? The same person you have promised to love and cherish, all the while raising children, loving eachother and supporting eachother.

I don't think it is a midlife crisis, I think your situation has changed and you don't quite know how to handle it.

s_cianci

To an extent you probably are experiencing the so-called "empty-nest" crisis. Your kids have left home so now it's only the two of you. Obviously your husband is a very reserved man. That doesn't make him a bad person ; maybe just something that's difficult for you personally to relate to. But he is your husband and you have the obligation to make the effort. He's been faithful to you for the last 29 years and you should be counting your blessings. Actually the counselor's suggestion about making some (female) friends (in person, not online) and getting a hobby isn't a bad idea. Evidently your husband has his share of hobbies so why not have a few of your own as well? That's a much healthier alternative to meeting men online and actually having contact with them, including physical activity that's clearly inappropriate for a married woman. Think about the repercussions if you allow something like this to break up your family. You'll have set yourself up as the "bad guy" and lose the respect of your husband, your kids, your extended family and friends. You'll also put yourself in financial jeopardy and, with your kids being grown, won't be entitled to much in the way of alimony or support, especially since you'll have initiated the breakup. Is it really worth it, only to find a man online who, in a few years, will have had his share of fun with you and drop you like a hot potato, regardless of how "interesting" they may seem now? All because you're "the only one with something to say?" Certainly it doesn't sound worth it to me.

salsa14

My father has been cheating on my mother for some time now. Honestly if you are not happy you need to tell your husband what you are doing. Not only are you hurting your husband but you are hurting your children too. Because you are going through some lonely crisis (not being rude sorry) you are risking losing everything that you have ever worked for. Do you really want to lose everything? I resent my father for what he is doing. The woman that he is with is young enough to be my sister and it kills me. Please just rethink what you are doing before you make the same mistake my father did.

crossimgover

My parents have been married for almost 24 years and they were high school sweethearts a typical romantic love story, and they are so in love until now. they have three kids and i am the eldest so i was away since long time, but only recently my sister and brother both left for university at the same time. and they were left alone.... Suddenly there was this killing silence between them. My patents and I spent time in research and reading trying to find out what the hell is going on and the answer was very simple.

They have been sharing one interest or in other words one subject that kept them both interested all the time, and that was US. and now there is no US and therefore there is nothing much to be talking about.....

WHAT you need to be doing is trying to find brand new interests that you both can share, but before you do that. you need to honestly sit and ask yourself
1) do you still love this man?
2) do you want this marriage to pursue or to end?
3) what are you going to do about it?
if you love your hubby and you want to save your marriage, then at that point you will know exactly what to do. because you will be doing everything you can to save and continue this marriage. but if you don't , then you wont be having the effort to save it!

its not about him and its not about what he is doing or not doing. Its about you, about you realizing and panicking about where your life is heading and what you want to do about it. Soyou have to make the decision!

one last thing, you have mentioned that you do not want to spend the next 30 years lonely. It doesn't have to be this way, we decide how we want our lives to be shaped, its in our hands